Lovesick and running

Mid-terms, cars, cold, houses and wedding maddness

2007-02-21T13:35:00.000-07:00

Thats right, its mid-term week(s)... and what am i doing? sitting here in the UAF library sense shortly after 9 this morning, been up sense 7 after a long night of feeling overly dehydrated... ive been sitting here, waiting for my first mid-term to start at 1pm. i reviewed for maybe 10 min and the rest of the time i have been spending ripping music to my computer. Ok i did write part of my Evolution paper.
It is a gripping tale of the great drosophila...for all you lamemens out there thats code word for fruit flies:)
so lets recap life as i know it right now. I have no car, after totalling the tacoma in december... Every possibility that has presented itself as turned out to be a bust and in the whole process i have lost $4500 in a huge mess involving a kid, a truck and a cashiers check oh and that small detail called a valid title... i guess i havent lost it, i just can touch it till after may which really limits what i can buy for now... then the Beretta (my trusty back up car) died this past weekend... then this morning Dad's truck quick...so he caught a ride with mom and i caught a ride with leah.... im starting to think that i am cursed when it comes to vehicles..... but enough on that.
lets move on to the house that micheal and i might get... ok lets not, i dont feel like thinking about it cause i dont have a job right now and anything remotely related to money is making me sick...
oh the reason i dont have a job? i got laid off just after the new years, but my old boss and the HR department havent gotten their acts together and closed the position so i have been having to go up there and sign time sheets every two weeks for the last two months even though im not getting paid... and with out a car it is really hard to go get applications, go to interviews or even make it to a job off campus... so really everything hindges on getting a car... get a car, get a job, get a house/appartment, get married(ok i guess this will happend regardless of a car but it might be acquard if i am still living at home).....
Ive put all wedding planning on hold for now, i have way to many things to think about on my plate right now and this was the only thing that i could put to the side for a while and releive a little stress.
so that is about it... right now i am just focusing on making it through mid-terms, oh and ripping my songs onto my laptop:) i keep telling myself that it is not that bad, that things will straighten out...

Bunny

2007-02-08T00:19:00.000-07:00

You were nothing but a puppy
when she smiled
and called you Bunny
even though your name is
Scrub Dog of the North
from the picture book
in the case by the big stairs
you couldn't climb then
or yesterday, gray-faced and still
as you slipped away
from the girl who called
you bunny

Im so happy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2006-12-26T12:27:00.000-07:00

as V requested, not that i could keep it in anyway! Micheal proposed!!!!! christmas eve at ten to 7 LOL we were sitting in the turtle club parking lot about to head in for our dinner reservations when i opened the box he had given me and what did i see? the most amazing ring and a proposal i couldnt refuse...i have been on cloud 9 for the last day and a half.
i woke V up at 1 or 2 in the morning to tell her, then i called ashley and argued with her about wether i was joking or not.
i cant even put into words how happy i am or rather how happy he makes me...it was a long time in the works but i know we are ready for this.
Micheal seemed to be getting a little nervous yesterday but on the long drive out to jere and courts it subsided and he seemed alot happier too...i know have so many people around and wanting to talk to you is nerve-racking and on top of it all micheal is a really shy guy and now he is in the spot light, but once we were alone and could just enjoy the moment ourselves again we couldnt stop smiling and hugging...it was the smuchiest car ride ever...
in the way of plans...i think we have gotten as far as sometime in late july early august of 2008. hope everyone had a lovely christmas....i know i did

It's been a long long while sense i've seen your smile...But you know i'd still walk a thousands miles just to be with you...

2006-09-17T01:35:00.000-06:00

Sometimes i wonder why it is that we are here... why we know the people that we know, why we love the ones we do, why do i have the friends i have, or the enimies.
Why is life so complicated sometimes even when your board out of your mind...how can you miss someone your mad at, worry about someone who maybe doesnt deserve to be worried about. How can you give advice when your really only two steps ahead of everyone else and deep down your wondering if you really are....cause maybe your really 8 years behind them and no body has noticed yet, not even you.

HA i didnt wait a whole month

2006-06-16T13:03:00.000-06:00

SO life has been super crazy...ok not life just work. I worked 12.5 hours the other day and i would have worked alot longer yesterday but i was just worn out...i was supposed to go to a movie with Micheal but then Mike Nicholson called and needed him to help him move out cause the girl he has been house sitting for is coming back today so he had to get out of her house last night...apparently he is going to live in a tent for the rest of this summer....i think he is crazy
let see what else...oh i leave for the field tues morning then i come back for a little bit on the 30th and then leave again on the 1st (so i have a few hours in town to clean my clothes) and then come back on the 15th....I super bummed about missing micheals birthday....like i cant even explain how upset i get about it if i think about it too long...
he siad he isnt mad at me about it though so i guess i shouldnt worry...but anyone who knows me knows that i cant just not worry.
I feel like a dork right now too i dont have anything to do cause we are waiting to see if we are gonna be able to go flying today because of the rain so i should be making a super long entry but i cant....i just dont have alot to say about my life today....i think its cuase there is too much going on and to try to think about it all and put it all on here would make a novel not just an entry and i would probably just write myself in circles...
OH but one thing i will metion in that V is moving to Anchorage....it really snuck up on me and now i might not get to see her before she leaves cuase of work and the whole fact that if i dont go flying today then i might have to go this weekend sometime along with haveing to pack and get all my gear together for waht is essentially a month long camping trip....I'm gonna miss her soooooooooo much.....

WOW its been a whole month!

2006-06-04T16:31:00.000-06:00

its been a whole month sense the last time i wrote....wow.... alot has happend yet i still dont know what to write about...i started a new job with the national parks service....at first i didnt like it cause all i did was boring work but now its better, i even made a new friend (yeah For me) her name is Natalie but we all call her Georgia cause thats where she is from....she reminds me alot of myself lol right now she is in the field working...
let see what else Oh I PASSED CHEMISTRY!!!! that was exciting....and Ash adn Jon finally moved in together their new place is nice...
know what im not really in the mood to write..too much going through my head, maybe more later after i organize my thoughts

it's been a while....

2006-05-04T14:29:00.000-06:00

ok so its been a few weeks sense i last posted. But in my defense it is the end of the semester and i have been sick the last few days...actually almost all week now and i still coughing up my lungs every fifteen mins. But i am killing time right now before i have to go do my sociology final at 2 so i figure its as good a time as any to get anyone who read this this caught up on every thing thats been happening in my very "normal" boring life...
so lets see First off: I got the National Parks Service Job that i applied for even though the interview didnt go as well as i thought it should have. So now i am trying to get all the paperwork i need to do for that done and out of the way and tommorrow i have to go in and get fingerprinted so that they can do a background check on me...
then yesterday i got my first ever ticket....for speeding none the less...lol so now no one can tell me that i am too causious of a driver or that i ALWAYS drive the posted limit because according to officer stuart ( i think that was his name but he has really bad hand writing) i am a wreckless driver and deserve to pay an 82$ ticket and get two points on my licence...guess it was bound to happen sooner or later...and the whole experience wasnt that bad other than he tried to make it seem like he was doing me a favor by giving me the two point ticket...he said i was doing almost 60 in a 40 but i know i wasnt cause i was in third gear and my truck tops out at 50 in 3rd so HA.....although he did thank me for wearing my seatbelt:) Glad he noticed cause i seem to have shunk again and now the stupid thing sits right on my neck and feels like its choking me while i am driving....
Lets see what else...oh i am offically a jobless hobo again untill i start my new job with the parks service lol....i finished all my work this morning so i get to have friday off wich will be nice...means i can sleep in before my chem test...or get up early and study more...decision desicions ( i have no idea how to spell) also i was invited to a BBQ at the professors house on friday, i think its kinda a send off to the grad students who are heading out into the field or graduating soon...i think i might actually go...although i wish that i had somone to bring so i wouldnt be alone...i;m almost positive micheal told me he was doing something friday night...but i cant remember what, mainly cause i dont remember much from the begining of this week....
Ok i know there is something else....what is it....think think...Oh yeah Micheal and i still havent gotten to celebrate our 7 year anniversary...i wish i would have known how crazy this time of year would be for us before i had said i would go out with him....Maybe i should just drop it....but it seems like such a big deal and like we should really do something...problem is neither of us know what we want to do....we talked about it last night and all we have really figured out is that we dont really feel like a fancy diner cause we do that every year...so if anyone has any ideas tell me please...we're wanting to do something the friday/weekend after finals week before i start my new job....although we might end up driving to anchorage if micheal can get off of work....who knows...all i can think about right now are the TWO chem test i still have to take...once they are over i will be on cloud nine in NO CHEM BLISS.....which mean you might be able to find me taking a nap in the bed of my truck in the parking lot of Nat Sci cause that is my plan....:)come visit me....if you RSVP i will be sure to bring a cooler with snacks and soda or something....or at least me.....:)

Life has been well....Crazy(part 2)

2006-04-26T13:31:00.000-06:00

Ok so i used the same title..whatever i dont have time to come up with a better one. I am in the downward swing though:) i took my first final monday along with my last chem test before the final:) i cant wait for the next two weeks to be over and summer to start:)
I havent heard back yet on whether i got the NPS job or not. If you guys hadnt guessed yet by me not posting about it i feel like the interview could have gone alot better. but according to all of my references they think i got the job...so i will have to wait and see. there are some good benifiets of getting it and some good ones for not getting it so i will be happy either way. If i get it i dont think i will be able to go down to anchorage to see courtnie and jere adn the baby after finals cause they want me to start full time asap. so part of me is hopeing that i dont get it just cuase of that, esp now that leah and i have kinda decided that we arent going to go on that Kyaking trip, although if i dont get the job i would still really love to take the class with her so we will have to talk about it depending on that. but it i do get it i think it would be an awesome job, and give me some good experience plus 15$ an hour isnt bad money...and i would really like to get some extra cash this summer to help build up my savings again.
Esp sense the last two weeks at work have kinda sucked...my hours are all screwy and then these guys came in yesterday to put in a new sprinkler system so the lab was all crowded and everything was moved around so i ended up only getting to work for about an hour and a half before i gave up and left...although i did get alot of school work done... today i just made them work around me but the sample that i grab is hellish and is going to take me forever and a day to finish...so if i get the job with the parks service it might suck cuase then i will have to rush through it..or leave it for Galina which i dont want to do. I will feel bad if i just have to up and leave when they call, although my boss said he is totally cool with it and according to Aaron ( the other guy in the lab not V;s bf) he is ok with it cause Galina and i are burrining him in samples cause we go through them so fast...so maybe i shouldnt feel bad...well i better head to chem...JOY....:(

2006-04-17T19:10:00.000-06:00

Is it possible to have senioritis before you are actually a senior?ah im too tired too even write...

Wasting time before chem

2006-04-12T13:25:00.000-06:00

Ok so today is turning into a much better day than yesterday, i was dragging all day. I have a very busy day today too so it is a good thing that i got some more sleep last night. so i went to work this morning, i should finish the last bit of samples that Cassie has for me by friday adn then i will start working with Bruce untill finals week adn then after finals week hopefully i will start my new job:) I have gotten 3 emails now from the national parks service, the latest one being from the lady who does the interviewing and she would like me to call her if i have any questions becuase she has gotten my application...i think i will call her just so that she becomes familar with who i am becuase in one of my classes we learned that people will vote or pick somone whose name sounds familar to them even if they dont know who the person is so i figure the more they see my name, hear my voice or have to look at my application the more familar i will seem to them and the more likely that they will want to interview me adn then after the interview if it comes down to me and another person they might pick me cause i was so interested....its a diabolical plan i know but i am also curious to see if it works...hehehe i figure it is worth a shot.
There is only about three weeks left in school adn i am so excited! i cant wait for it to be over. after chemistry today i have an appointment with my advisor, then another meeting with my Psychology grad student then i am going to call CDE and set up my final for Comm 300 for next week on hopefully friday maybe earlier cause i plan on doing my paper this weekend and then all i have is the fianl and i just want to get it done. then i think i will call the national parks service if i have time, then i will get my stuff together for when Micheal gets off work because we are going swimming with Gabe and his gf, Kaylee. Apparently she really likes me because i am the only person that he knows other than Micheal who is nice to her. I cant imagine how his family treats her, they have practically disowned him becuase he is with her and wont leave her cause she is pregant...his mom doesnt like her becuase "she has no class..." i couldnt believe that she disowned her own son...and a grand baby....but hey its not my life and maybe there is something else that i dont know becuase i am not friends with them or part of the family (TG)
well i got ten min before class adn this is my last break untill after my meeting with the psych grad student so i better head down to class. I will let everyone know how the National Park Service stuff goes:)
OH and V-i am sorry i didnt tell you, for some reason i thought that i told you about it right after Cassie told me about the job but you might have already left for anchorage...wait no i did tell you i left a message on your blog like a second after i had turned in my application online cause i was so excited adn i was bursting at the seems to tell somone...or are you talking about J&L? cause i didnt say anything about them cause its still not for sure untill i know abotu the national park service job...but i am sorry anyway LL

Great...another wonderful day ahead

2006-04-11T09:13:00.000-06:00

So have you ever woken up and just known that it was going to be one of those days? Well mine started last night when my cat wouldnt shut up, she kept meowing to the point i was about to throw her in the dog yard with Duke and Jez....She has never pissed me off that much, infact i am still mad at her today cuase i know that while she kept me up all night she is going to sleep all day...i want to go home and just stand there poking her everytime she drifts off...oh and then i tried to cuddle with her to get her to be quiet cause sometimes all she wants is attention and if i let her lay with me she calms down...NOPE instead she clawed the shit out of my side..in fact i am pretty sure i need new sheets cause she made me bleed but i was too exhausted to get up and try to find a bandaid....so then i woke up this morning dog tired and knowing that i have a test in Psych so i really should have gotten more sleep....but i got ready, even started my truck ahead of time to help melt the snow...then i whent to work...i got all the way up here and got out, pulled the seat forward to grab my back pack and realized that i left it at home...this is really shitty cause i get off work at 11 and the test is at 11:30 and i cant take the test without my test sheets that oh guess what are in my backpack..im like a freaking genious i tell you...so i called the house and talked to my half asleep mom and am really hoping that sh ewas awake enough to remember to have my dad bring my bag up here...i guess i will know by 8:30 or so and if he isnt here i will just have to leave work early...I cant wait for this semester to be over....
Oh on a good note i got the job at J&L but i also talked to them cause i have applied for a job with the national parks service and they said that they completely understand that if i get that job i wont be working for them, but if i want it i have it:) good i ended with a smile.

2006-04-07T09:12:00.000-06:00

So i finally got ahold of J&L properties and i have an interview on monday. I am still trying not to get sick, which getting more than 3 -5 hours of sleep might help but i can afford that right now. i just feel so busy....i only have maybe 6 more days worth of work to do at my job too, and if i work hard then it might be less...part of me just wants to finish it all as fast as i can and be done with it and then actually get to sleep more cause i wont have to get up at 5:30am after being up till 12-1 but at the same time i know that its going to really suck not getting paid for a month....i really dont want to have to dip into the money that i have been saving so i probably wont be going out or anything untill this summer after i get my first paycheck....also i want to go to anchorage after finals so i really cant be spending alot if i want to have enought to go adn see jere and court again.
Also Leah if you are reading this this part is for you- the reason that i asked for 12 at J&L wasnt to piss you off and i really hope you ment it when you said you arent mad at me, i am just thinking about school adn the fact that my scholarship ends really soon so i need to save up as much money as i can now in order to pay for all the expenses that my scholarship normally pays for. I dont know that they will even give me that much either, i wouldnt be suprised if they started me at 10. Pretty much i just need a job this summer that hopefully adn perferable pays more than i get now and working there i get an extra perk-i get to work with you.
well i better get to counting bugs...i hope i can bang out two samples today...then i have 5 left:)

Arg...i think i am getting sick...again

2006-04-04T09:27:00.000-06:00

So i woke up this morning with a sore throat and i dont think it was becuase of sleeping with my mounth open cause i barely slept at all last night....i kept getting too hot then too cold and then when i felt just right my cat started makeing a ruckus. Ash came over yesterday cause Jon was going somewhere and she really wanted somone to hang out with...so we went for a walk and then to dinner with my parents but Ash is really sick right now....like her throat is swollen bad...i think she has strep wich would really suck if i caught that from her cause i havent had strep in like 5 years and i would prefer to keep it that way.
then on the Job front: I am slowly dwindleing away at what work i have left at work adn will probably finish it in the next couple weeks. the one place that i have applied at so far called me for an interview last week while i was in class but when i called back no one answered. i called again yesterday and no answer again. i am going to try today when i get off work. then there was another job that my dad told me about and introduced me to the grad student who was posting it and i emailed her my resume last week. she just email me this morning to tell me that the position had already been filled, wich sucked but she gave me the info for another job (which i think i would like more) so i think after class today i will get on my computer and apply for that one. it is doing feild work in some remote reseach sites just out of town. it would probably require weekends but at this point i am starting to think that i just need to make some money although it does only pay 9$/hr and i dont know if i could get off for the kyaking class that Leah and i wanted to take in august. I think i would in someways prefer the J&L job where its 8-5 M-F for 12$/hr just cause its more money for less work....wow that sounded really lazy huh? but its true...that and in the application for the feildwork job it stressed very heavily that they wanted somone with field experience in rough terrane in ALL weather conditions(which i dont have) and they want somone who can drive a boat and an ATV- which i am certain that i could...i just dont think i want to learn when 10 other people and a few thousand dollars in lab equipment is depneding on me, oh and they want someone to have a good understanding and idetification ability with borial plants....i think i got the trees down from ecology but i definatly dont remember any of the different plant species...well other than labrador tea...but i think i will still apply cause after the last couple days with J&L i am starting to wonder if i will get that job or not considering i have left 2 messages and they havent answered or called me back and Leah said that when she called htey called her a few hours later...
School is school- I finally got over my fear of looking like an idiot and went in to wast some of Dr kellers time yesterday...he made it pretty clear that he doesnt think that i understand organic chem enough to past this class which doesnt exactly give me a boost of confidence but i know that my dad is right in that if i am going to have to finish the semester i might as well at least try to pass...cause the final is multiple choice so who knows maybe i will get an awsome grade on the final and walk out of there with a C...Im almost done with my correspondence class too, i have a little over one more chapter to do, then i have to go back adn write this paper, that i dont want to write cause the book it was on is lame and i didnt read all of it, which i dont think i have too cause i am just supposed to take a concept from it that interested me and write a 5 page paper on it...hard part is finding a part that interested me other than putting it down...then all i got to do is sign up for the final and take it before the 27th:) actually i should praobably call to scedual that soon sents i dont know how far in advance i need to do that.
well i am going to get back to work, and call to schedual my final for that class when the place opens write again soon

Life has been well....Crazy

2006-04-01T14:23:00.000-07:00

Its that time of year again and life is getting crazy as school comes to an end...so i dont have a ton of free time and what time i do have i have been spending with Micheal, V and Ash so i havent been online alot...that and life is getting too crazy right now that i dont want to write about it cause it would take too long if i was going to rant about all the stresses that are piling up...you should see the list of stuff for homework that i have to do this weekend...its impossibly long....
Chem-Read chapter 11 and 12 (approx-250pages)
do online homework (takes a few hours to do)
do carboxylic acid deriv quizes(4 all together)
do anamine quizes (4)
do ch.12 online homework
do hyperchem project (normally takes about 3-6hrs)
Comm- read ch 11
do ch 11 quiz
ch11 essays
read ch 13
ch13 quiz
ch13essays
disscussion paper (supposed to be 800+ words, polished final draft)
sign up to take final in 1-2 weeks
psych read ch 11 in main text (200 some pages)
read some other chapter in other text ( i should probably look that up)
soc- i know i have to read something and then write somthing about it but i havent gotten to that point yet...i;m not even thinking about it yet...thats bad...

I feel knda guilty for going out with ash and v last night cause i know that i should have been doing all this homework but oh well, i really needed the break. I will post pics of feb 24th later too...they arent that great alot of them are the same but there are some really cute ones...

Deleted post

2006-03-22T09:55:00.000-07:00

Just so no one is confused...yes i took a post off of my blog...i think it would be best not to put it on here again untill i talk to the people that it adressed and i dont want them to be angry at me for not talking to them about it first...if you are confused email me....and if you already read the entry and have comments i will still post any response that i have...plus it was such a long post i should edit it to shorten it...however i will probably put back up the part about my trip to anchorage to see Koa and Jere and Court cause it was the highlight of my spring break:) so here is that section:
First things first, I went to anchorage this weekend with my dad to see jere and court. By far the best drive down there and back i have ever had, and i dont think that it was just because it was daylight out, the road was clear pretty much the whole time and there was almost no ice!!! amazing i know. so we left friday morning/noon and got down there that evening, got checked into a hotel, and went to the hospital. All week i had been grappeling with wether or not i felt comfortable enough to go in to see Koa but when the time came i went...he is alot smaller than the pictures made him look but he seems to be doing pretty well. I was really glad that i didnt let my aprehention about going down there stop me, becuase i feel so much better about things now. Everyone had me so worried, thinking that Koa wasnt doing that good and that he wasnt improving and that Jere and courts marriage was suffering and that they were fighting alot, but when my dad adn i got there it was a completely different story. Jere and Court are stressed but they are going to be fine and baby koa is impressing his docs everyday:) i was really worried about Jere too, with the stress and everything, but after going down there i feel alot better...he has really become a man/dad in the last month or so adn i dont feel like i need to worry about him as ,much as i was.

comment response

2006-03-21T18:47:00.000-07:00

So i got a couple responses about my last blog entry, i think i might have not been clear on somethings, although i thought the length of the entry helped to clarify this---I have been thinking about this along time. I have been thinking about whether Micheal is the guy for me for a long time.I probably will think about it for a long while more, becuase people are always changing and growing, but i came to a realization---we have been growing and changing for the past 7 years and i can honestly say that YES i do love him now more than i ever have, and everyday i realize more and more how much we love one another, its the fact that we have made it this far adn that we have made it through so much....what is bothering me is that i feel like everyone keeps focusing on everything that we have been through adn NOT on the fact that we have made it through or that we have worked through all of it TOGETHER. a relationship is give and take and in my heart i know that micheal and i love one another and that there is NO ONE in this world that i want to be with more than him...
Leah- I am sorry but i do think there was a misunderstanding between us adn i am very glad you cleared it up---i think i misheard what you said
Niki- I do plan on moving out with micheal before we get married, but not i think i need to know him better before i made a commitment like that- as leah put it we have been together for 7 years, if i dont know him well enough by now then i have no bussiness loving him the way i do and the like goes for him. I wont however move out with Micheal before we are engaged under the current cirumstances, this is somthing that we have discussed in depth already and he understands why i am making this choice.

I just feel frustrated sometimes becuase i feel like Micheal and i are constantly having to "prove ourselves". from the day that we started dateing there has always been somone who didnt approve of us being together, i guess we were nieve to think that if we were ment to be and could work through our problems and come out in the end still inlove and wanting to be together that people would see what we have always seen, that we love eachother. I do appriciate all of the concern for me though, it makes me realize how many people care about me:) I just wish that i could let everyone see and feel what i feel when i am with micheal---or just thinking about him...i wish that i could show you all what Micheal and i already know

"Little Man"----for Koa

2006-03-05T15:38:00.000-07:00

Little Man
A precious little gift, is what they all will call you
My little man is how I know you.
God sent you here so early
For reasons no one knows
He knew you Mom and Daddy
And that they’d love you gladly.
They say that he knows best
That he only does small tests
And until today I questioned him
Until today I say an empty hymn.
But you were sent my little man,
To touch the hearts of many.
They know you as a precious gift
Sent to Jeremiah and Courtnie.
But to me, you are my little man
My angel in blue light.
Before you can even walk
Before I have held your hand
You’ve found me where I’m floundering
And led me back to land
My little man.
You’ve made me see that I need to believe
That Someone is watching you.
That in the end God put you here
And in the end he’s here for you.
Cause the thought that you are lost like me
Is far too much to bear
And little man, I thank you more than words can ever say
I hold you in my heart; you gave me reason to pray

I better update....

2006-03-05T00:31:00.001-07:00

So i figured that now that i have gotten numrous phone calls i should update to say that Micheal is ok, Gabe is still and idiot, but Micheal is no worse for the wear. A lady he works with said that he was acting stange the last few days, like he was sick or somthing but i think thats understandable considering what happend, although i dont think he told his parents cause they already Hate gabe like i do adn i know that micheal is trying to help him beat this drug addiction but i still cant help the way i feel about him....I'm sorry Micheal if you ever read this, but i will never like Gabe, not with the way he treats me adn anyother girl for that matter adn if he were to stop hanging out with you or move away it would make me very very happy becuase i have seen how you let him influence you, weather your trying to help him or not....
thats all for now i guess...

I better update....

2006-03-05T00:31:00.000-07:00

Almost forgot

2006-03-02T09:20:00.000-07:00

And Gabe ran Micheal over with his truck last night...I will tell more after i get to talk to Micheal hopefully today, he called last night but i didnt get the whole story cause he was still kinds shacky from it i think, i think he will be pretty swore this morning but i dont know how bad it really was, he said that he was fine last night, just a cut mostly but that he had broken the mirror off the truck cause he was trying to jump out of the way and it clipped him, Mike N. said it threw him about ten feet though.....i guess i whould count my blessings that Micheal was able to get mostly out of the way and i didnt end up at the hospital to see him last night, wich i can tell you right now he wouldnt have been the only one laid up in a bed it that had happend....but i wonder how he is doing this morning now that the adrenalin has worn off....i'll write later

2006-03-02T09:08:00.000-07:00

S i went to church last night with my mom and Leah for ash weds. Going to church is kinda like working out, the hardest part is getting up and going, but once your there its easy and when your done you feel better. They are offering weds services for lent, they're going to be really short, like only 30min and leah and i talked about it and are going to try to go to at least the first 3 because they look interesting, the last two are on work and our nation and i dont think i will got to those, but i dont know, it all depends on the others i guess. and i think i will try to go to church on sundays too, not just becuase my family is going but because i need to figure this all out and i dont think not going is helping me.
I didnt sleep very good last night again either....its lame this whole week i have had even more restless sleep than normal, i feel like i could sleep for a month right now.and then to top it off i woke up with a sore throat this morning.
This is the last week of wrestling too so maybe next week will be less caotic and i will be able to sleep. LOL or maybe this summer when school is out... i think i will take the summer off but it all depends on if they offer this one certification class or not. i want to get certified in Flabotomy, i think that is how you spell it, they are the pple that draw blood at the clinic and hospital. i figured then i would maybe be able to get a more stable job while in school, although i may have to start working nights or weekends which would reall y put a strain on my relationship with micheal, like the summer that i worked at the Prospector and worked EVERY WEEKEND. i never saw him that summer becuase he was always at work when i had off and was at work when he was off, i had the shittiest hours ever....but htis is not a gripe about them and their stupid manager at the time.
so yeah, things are just going...

2006-02-28T15:25:00.000-07:00

So i just read Jere's blog and it sounds like Koa is going to have the surgery on his stomach today at 2...thats in about a half hour. i know he needs it but it scary to think about because i;m just starting to relaize how little he is, i mean i knew before but i just saw this picture of him with Court and it really put it into persepective. its hard to imagine that somthing that little could live, let alone endure all these surgeries.....
i dont even know what to think right now, inside i am praying...out of habit or becuase i really think it will do somthing i dont know....i wish i did.
Ive gone to church now two weeks in a row, not because i am believing in God or becuase i want to go, but becuase i know htat it is important to my family, because they are going to pray about koa, and i stand there, and i pray too but ....i cant even explain it, its like a do it but the whole time i am questioning it....like if its really worth it, cause what if no one but my mom and dad are listening, if only the people in the congregation know what we are feeling and how scared we are....what if everyone who is praying are asking something non existant for help, comfort, guidence......my Dad said that its too sad to think that our existance is all for nothing, that we are like preformers on a stage but if there is no audience then why would we be dancing, we writes it alittle more eliquenly though.....and even though his reasoning made sense it didnt ease my mind but for a moment...becuase performers offten never see the audience, the lights are to bright, they dance because they want to dance regardless of who is watching, or who isnt.

Thinking of Koa

2006-02-28T09:34:00.000-07:00

I keep thinking about my little nefew Koa, every morning and almost every night i log on to my brothers web site to see the latest news and after reading each post i click the comment link and sit there wondering what to write, so many people seem to find the perfect words and i cant. Mainly because everyone says how much they are praying for Koa and jere adn court to be strong and for God to guide them, but when i pray i dont know who i;m praying to anymore cause im still at this point in my life where i dont know how i feel about God, and sometimes when i pray it feels like i am just going through the motions cuase i dotn know what else to do, becuase i cant do anything else, and although i believe every word i say and want with all my heart for it to be answered and that Koa will be fine, deep down i wonder if anybody is really listening or if his small fragile life is only important to those that are still here.
so maybe i should just say the one thing that i do know.... I love you jeremiah, courtnie and koa, stay strong

ITS MY BIRTHDAY!!!!happy b-day to me happy b-day to me....

2006-02-24T13:14:00.000-07:00

Thats right as leah put it i am offically an "old fart" today! so how did i start off the celebrations? well i slept in till 6am thanks to Spooky jumping on me and meowing to be fed, then i took a shower, cut my hair, dried adn curled then i went to DMV to get my new license at around 7:30am so that i would be the first one there, or so i thought, me and about 30 other people all had the same idea but to our suprise DMV doesnt open till 8:30am so we all stood around doing nothing for 45min then i got in and had my pic taken and was on my way by 8:45am so it wasnt as bad as i thought it would be. but someone really needs to talk to whomever designed DMV. the counters are sooooo high they are at my chest!and then taking the eye test was horriblecause i had to stand on my tippy toes and push forhead lever with my hand! god im short...

FINE i'll do it

2006-02-22T17:41:00.000-07:00

Ok so sense no one else wants to update i guess i will, geeze what do you think i do all day people? just joking, although i do like reading my blogs, nice way to get my mind off school when i need a break. So whats new, Koa is still doing good, got a slight cold but ok and Duke and Jez are back, oh and i totally just got on the wrong shuttle and rode all around campus cause i was too lazy to walk the 4 blocks to my truck, so now i am at my work and am trying to muster the courage to walk down the hill 4 blocks to my truck, wich i guess is better than 4 uphill right? i just have a chill and i dont feel like being outside, i feel tired too but i know that i should go to practice sense i wont be there tomorrow cause they moved it to when i am in class. I really like coaching but today i just feel BLAH...i think i will go but not dress out. mainly my neck is killing me today, its all kinked up somthing horrid and no matter what i do i cant get it to unkink. I think i might scedual a massage when i get paid again, like on a friday afternoon...maybe i will get my hair cut too, have a haircut at 1:30 and a massage at 3:30 yeah, that will be nice in a couple weeks when wrestling is over.
And i was soooooo excited on monday about this friday cause its my birthday, but i think all my excitement is spent now. the idea of going out seems daunting now and i dont know why. like i have been looking forward to this for soooooo long and now all i want to do is curl up in my bed and sleep untill may. Ashley thinks that it is just wednesday Blahness and that come friday i will be jazzed again, i hope she is right, and i knwo that V will probably say the same thing when she writes me back. well i;m gonna caught the bus i think, oh i think i missed it oops, oh well it was the same driver as before and i already look like a dork cause i rode around with him for half an hour already lol .

This is No Good...

2006-02-20T09:24:00.000-07:00

So my dad was trying to be helpful and brought Jeremiah's dogs into town saturday so that they wouldnt be alone at Jeremiah's and Courtnie's untill they can come back to town with the Baby, which probably wont be till june. So Duke and Jez were at our house and they seemed so much happier cause they got attention and my dad wasnt making them stay in their little kennels, they had the WHOLE garage to play in and he was taking them for walks and bringing them to the river to swim and saturday evening i walked them across the neibourhood to niki's house so that her little guy could play with them and jez kept licking him it was cute...so i brought them home ate dinner and then my dad went out and got them settled for the night. Sunday morning we got up for church (i actually felt like going-cause i figured i should maybe give God a try again sents Koa made it through the weekend and is doing so good, i had something to thank him for that i couldnt contribute to myself and my own doing) we were going to just leave but then duke and jez started barking so my dad was like "i better let them out to go to the bathroom..." so i went to the truck and my dad let them out, he decided to tie them up outside so that they could get some fresh air while we were gone, he thought twice about it but i told him that they would be fine untill we came back, i mean we would only be gone for an hour or so.
well i was wrong, jez bit through her rope and duke got untied and they ran off, we spent a good part of the day looking for them and asking ppl in the area if they had seen them but nothing, we even went to the pound to see if they were there and called the military base pound and i went on line and reported them missing cause jez has a home again micro chip. then my dad callled jere to tell him, he wasnt as upset as i thought he would be but i think it has a lot to do with being so emotionally drained from everything that has been happening the last three weeks. we are going to start the seach for them again this morning and call all the vets intown and the pounds/shelters and put an add in the paper... i really hope nothing has happend to them and that we find them....
oh and i'm not sure if i will have a job anymore by friday, cause i am almost done with everything that i had to do and i dont know if my boss has any mor samples from me to go through, although when i came in today there was a really really big box in the samples room so i am hoping that its more of hers adn not a chair or somthing that they ordered....so keep your fingers crossed other wise i might be broke on my b-day and searching for a new job instead of fully enjoying myself (although i will still go out, i just might get upset after a couple beers cause i will have to realize that i am broke...lol...i'm not too worried about it just yet though, i need to talk to her today) so i will let you know how everything goes with Duke and Jez and work and koa and my birthday and all that JAZZZZZZZZ......lol

O. ChemTest + Friday---->Torture

2006-02-17T09:09:00.000-07:00

I feel sick this morning thinking about Organic chem....We have our first test today and i am scared shitless.... I dont even know what i am doing at work, i dont feel like working cause i feel so sick, my stomach is litteraly turning in on itself. And Micheal just told me last night that he is going to Summit with his friends to go snow machining this weekend, so it looks like i will get to obses about it ALL weekend-Joy. i also have a ton of homework still to catch up on in all my other classes, esp. communications cause i kinda put it on the back burner this week so that i could study for o chem wich i am not feeling like it did me any good cause i can remember jack crap now. I wish i could just go down the hall and curl up on the breakroom couch and sleep through the test. Micheal offered to take it for me last night, sad thing is i think he would do better on it than i will. i was so optimistic last night and then i woke up this morning and cant remember anything----other than a bromination/chlorination of a benzine ring...thats 1 out of like 100 reactions that i should have memorized by now....i think after my test i may just go home and pass out until practice, if micheal wants to say good bye he will....

A Might Warrior is Born....

2006-02-16T23:39:00.000-07:00

So there he is folks...little Koa, the latest warrior in the Bachert Family. Weighing in at a whopping 1 pound 5 and 1/2 oz and 11 inches long. He suprised everyone with his battle cry as he entered the world three months premature last night at 7. so far so good, but the next three days will be the hardest for the little man.
thats jeres hand in the picture next to him so that you can appriciate just how little he is...shoot i fluctuate more in body weight each day than he weighs.... but like his name sakes hes a fighter...

V-day

2006-02-16T23:29:00.000-07:00

So Micheal Totally suprised me on valintines day! he made reservations at the Turtle Club----one of my favorite restraunts...he was being so secretive too adn wouldnt tell me where we were going, just to be ready by 7 and that he would pick me up. then when he showed up i got in the truck and there was this present on the dash, i was like
" whats that?"
"Oh that is for my other girlfriend....."
"Ohhhh...."
"You can look at it if you want..."
and he gave me this really silly grin so i grabed the box and opened it, only to realize that i couldnt see well enough in the truck to see what was in it, i started fumbling for my phone so that i could use its light adn micheal was like
"Oh do you need the light?here..." and flipped on the interior light and there it was...the most beautiful necklace...i'll have to put a picture on here so everyone can see....i was totally suprised cause he hasnt bought me anything like that in years adn never for somthing like v-day. Dinner was awsome, adn then he came to my house and cuddled with me untill i fell asleep, but i think he fell aspleep too cause all of a sudden i felt him move and he whispered "I really got to get home babe...I love you." and kissed me goood night, it was 1:30ish when i looked at the clock after he left. In all it was amazing...i felt butterflies again, i just hope it lasts and this isnt another one of his passing fancies...
I cant remeber if i wrote about the huge fight we had last weekend....oh well i'm not going to dwell on the past so if i didnt write about it i;m not going to now....

Update on Court and Jere

2006-02-13T12:50:00.000-07:00

So Coutnie and Jeremiah are still in anchorage, so far no baby thank God.I think it would be best if the little guy stayed in there untill April 14th or later, that way Court is at 30 weeks and he might actually be big enought to make it. they decided to change his name too form Jeremiah Junior to Koa Ikiaka ( i think i spelled that right) it means "Strong Warrior" in Hawian. I dont htink that they are thinking about the fact that court is only half Hawian and that makes the little one only 1/4 so he probably will be really fair skinned like jere and people are going to wonder why he has a hawian name....thats if they can say it...oh well i guess we should all count our blessings that they arent naming him Moonbeam or Morningstar right? no offense if anyone is named that....
Do my Dad and Leah drove down to Anchorage this weekend, i was really bumbed htat i couldnt go cause i had a ton of studying to do because i have 3 tests this week. Anyway they went down there to bring jere his truck adn then sunday they were going to drive back in Leahs car but her CV axle broke just outside of this place called Trapper Creek so they had to be towed back to town...it really sucks cause they were stranded around 3pm but didnt get home untill 2am this morning cause they were closer to anchorage than to Fairbanks but my Dad didnt want to have it towed to Anchorage adn then have to wait for it to get fixed and him and Leah miss work adn school.
well i better get to class, my day is just begining now that i;m off work.....i hate mondays

Sad poem

2006-02-11T19:45:00.000-07:00

I feel these old feelings creeping back
and they scare me
I;m terrified and silent
not knowing if i'm strong enough this time around
before i was young and restless
this time i;m just alone
all of this is failing
and i cant keep holding on
the same thoughts are creeping in
and i cant stop their forming
I feel the steel across my skin
I feel the pills i swollow
I feel the bullet in the chamber
My heart is racing
my eyes are dry
I feel the end aproaching
nows the time to die
I feel the old familar feelings
I think the old familar thoughts
I'm not me thats doing this
Forgive me
I dont mean to hurt you
I dont know why i do the things i do
last time i had a reason
this time i just feel recklace
and alone
I love you all so much
but i feel like loosing control
already lost my grip on all that i hold dear
i'm not doing this to hurt you
I do it for myself
I admit i;m being selfish
and all of this may sound like ramblings
and random little thoughts
I dont know what i;m saying
i dont know what i'm thinking
some day i'll no the answer
some day i'll feel like praying

2006-02-08T01:37:00.000-07:00

Court went into labor again tonight, she started to rupture the sac ( that means her water started to break) the baby has no chance of survival right now at 21or 22 week, he might make it if he gets to 24 but my mom said he would be blind, deaf , have heart problems adn need to be tube fed for the rest of his life....they took her and jere to anchorage on an emergecy flight...i keep praying, but i dont know what i;m praying for....I dont want them to loose the baby but hes too little right now, hes gonna be too little for a while...i know jere is gonna take this hard and i cant even be there for him...i'm scared like everyone else.I just dont understand why some pple who are so undeserving get perfect little babies adn jere adn court need to go through this....If there is a God why would he do this to them? adn dont give me that shit about "its a test..."maybe he should "test" the fucking crack whore down the hall, give her a reason to change her life...."test" the asshole who beats his wife...."test" somone who deserves to be tested....and why wouldhe test us anyway? i thought he was all loveing and forgiving...FUCK YOU!!!!!YOU TAKE THEIR BABY AND FUCK YOU!!! thats what i have to say.
the lady down the hall had her baby while we were there...he husband was so happy, Leah told me she was jealous of them...I was angry...angry cause "God" was doing this the jere and court....and then sad part is no matter how angry i am i dont know where least to turn but to God, adn ask him to help them, to not do this to them...i really hope he;s listening

AHHHH coffee.....................

2006-02-07T09:16:00.000-07:00

My coffe is soooooo good this morning. i woke up feeling like crap, i really hope i can fight off this cold, i hate being sick, esp. with colds cause its not like you feel so sick that you cant get up and do somthing, so i feel guilty if i call in sick but you feel like crap all day adn are miserable adn then i feel guilty cause everyone else has to put up with me and my crankiness, plus i cant afford to get behind in school right now, its like a cinstant rush as it is just to stay ontop of everything and when i think that i am ahead somthing happends and then i;m not anymore,grrrrrr.
But i am determined to beat this....oooo i can totally feel my neck cramping....ok so this is probably only funny to me, and V might laugh becuase of an insitent on MSN a while back but i totally just wrote Crap instead of Cramp...LOL that was funny...good thing i caught that otherwise my neck would have been shitting again...ok yeah only funny to me i guess:) guess it was one of theose things you had to be here for but sense no one else wants to get up at 5:30 am to keep me company at work i guess you all just missed it...wish youd gotten up now huh? ok yeah me neither....well i'm off to check out some bugs... who luvs ya

little tid bits

2006-02-06T12:38:00.000-07:00

So Life has just been going lately it seems....I keep wondering when things will "just fall into place" for me...I'm so ready to be done with school and have a degree already.I'm tireing of feeling like my life is in suspension in space if that makes any sense. I just feel like i am constantly waiting for somthing lately, i feel anxious ALL the time, but i dont know what i am waiting for, somthing to happend i guess. i felt like this my sophmore and junior year in high school too, i think i just tire of the same old same. makes me wonder what i will feel like when everything is in its place....like is it the waiting that makes me anxious or is it the same old same that i end up doing while i am waiting....
so that was the enlightening thought of the day, well i guess it wasnt really enlightening now was it? I miss micheal right now too and i dont know why cause i just saw him last night, but i think i will go see him after class today before i head off to practice, i was just going to go home to sleep anyway and i know i shouldnt cause then i just wont be able to sleep tonight...thats another thing, i havent had a really good nights sleep in FOREVER, like sents last summer, i;m alwasy just thinking too much too sleep and then when i do sleep i always wake up feeling like i just went to bed and i barely ever dream now like maybe one dream every couple weeks that i can remember when i wake up. Damn...i still have this aching feeling that i miss Micheal, its rediculous, i normally only feel like this when its hunting season or i am away form him for a few weeks.
Oh and V's b-day is this wed! i'm excited....i hope she likes what i got her, but i cant say what it is cause i know she will read this (ha see i am being smart) but i will say that my blood went into this present...litterally....but dont be grossed out V i dont think any really got on it cause i checked it really carefully adn was going to get a new one if i had gotten blood on it. I will tell you the story at your party it you want.
well it is almost time for class so i better go start my truck...

Between Us

2006-02-04T16:02:00.000-07:00

Between Us
So I feel like my world is crashing in
And I can’t get comfortable in this skin
So I don’t feel like breathing anymore
And keep thinking of how we swore
Swore we’d be together
Swore we’d love one another
Love was all we’d ever need
Love was our eternal seed
Now I don’t feel like I know you
Even though I know I love you
I don’t feel like we’re together
And I fear what that could mean
No longer am I confident that if your tempted
you wont stray
And I know there’s something come between us
That wasn’t there before
So I feel like my world is crashing in
And I can’t get comfortable in this skin
So I don’t feel like breathing anymore
And keep thinking of how we swore
Swore we’d be together
Swore we’d love one another
Love was all we’d ever need
Love was our eternal seed
Now I wonder how this happened
If this could really be the end
I don’t want to loose you
But I Fear you’re already gone
I don’t know if I should cry for you,
Cause I don’t know if you would cry for me
And there is something come between us
That we never thought to see
So I feel like my world is crashing in
And I can’t get comfortable in this skin
So I don’t feel like breathing anymore
And keep thinking of how we swore
Swore we’d be together
Swore we’d love one another
Love was all we’d ever need
Love was our eternal seed

Havent prayed that much in a long time

2006-02-04T13:56:00.000-07:00

So thursday my family had a really big scare....Court and Jere had gone to the doctor for a rutine ultra sound to find out if they were having a boy or a girl and about all the tech could get was that it was a boy but then he kept moving all around and she was having trouble getting a good picture of him so she decided that she would finish the rest of the exam and that maybe he would stop moving around as much, so she had gotten one really good picture and then moved down to check Courts cervics and realized that she was 3 cm dialated and was in labor. so jere rushed court to the hospital and called our mom and courts mom adn at the hospital they gave her some drug to make the contractions stop but it wasnt working, when i got there they were telling jere and court that they had a 50-50 chance of loosing the baby that night adn that court was going to need surgery to close her cervic if they wanted to save the baby. but they had to decide if they would do the surgery that night or wait till the next day because with the condition that she was in that night they had a 70%chance of accidently breaking her waterwhile doing the surgery and if that happend they baby wouldnt be able to survive for more than and hour or two because he was too little and his lungs were developed enough. Jere ask what the chances woulb be if they waited till the morning adn they said that if the baby's "sac" went back inside court adn he cervics started to close that they would have a better chance of being successful in the surgery but that if that didnt happend then there was still the low chance that the baby would survive the surgery adn that even if the surgery was successful the chance for complications were much higher both for the baby and court in the way of infection or rupturing of the sac becasue it was exposed. Jere and court decided to wait till the morning because of the possible benifits.
I sat in the hospital room with court for a while my mom and jere went to get somthing to eat from the cafiteria adn talk. She was really upset about how this could happen and why it wasnt caught before during all her other doctors visits. everyone really uspet and tension was high but all of a sudden i found myself listening to JJ's ( thats his nickname-Jeremiah Junior)heart beat, it was amazing..and it made me tear up, on the monitor we could hear his heart and when he moved....it was scary to think that he might not make it.
But yesterday they brought court down to surgery adn everything went better than the doctors were expecting adn now she is just on bed rest for the rest fo the pregnancy. so everything is going much better...

Too Much to Ask~Avril Lavigne

2006-02-01T16:36:00.000-07:00

Its the first time I ever Felt This Lonely
I wish someone could cure this pain
Its funny when you think its gonna work out
Til you chose weed over me, your so lame
I thought you were cool until the point
But up untill the point you didnt call me
When you said you would
I finally figured out youre all the same
Always coming up with some kind of story

Everytime i try to make you smile
You're always feeling sorry for yourself
Everytime i try to make you laugh
You can;t
your too tough
you think your loveless
Is that too much that i'm asking for?

I thought you'd come around when i ignored you
So i thought you'd have the decency to change
But Babe, i guess you didnt take that warning
'Cause i'm not about to look at your face again

Can't you see that you lie to your self
You can't see the world through a mirror
It wont be too late when the smoke clears
'Cause I, Iam still here

But everytime i try to make you smile
you'd always grow up feeling sorry for yourself
everytime i try to make you laugh
you pretend like your stoned
alone in your zone
is it too much that i;m asking for?

Yeah yeah yeah yeah
Cant find where i am
Lying here
alone i fear
afraid of the dark
No one to claim
Alone again

Cant you see that you lie to yourself
you cant see the world through a mirror
it wont be too late when the smoke clears
'Cause I, I am still here

Out of it

2006-02-01T13:13:00.000-07:00

So i feel really out of it this moring. what it is, i dont know. i think that i am just getting into the motions of school but for some reason i feel bored and exhausted all at the same time. adn this morning i started feeling really sick while on my way to work, like the same sick feeling when i was driving in from Jere and courts.maybe its cause i didnt eat breakfast....
i was reading some of my old posts and i realized that my bloghas gotten really boring. but i just dont have anything that interesting to write about and i tend to me artistic when i have something Lovey Dovey to exagerate but lately i dont. I talked to micheal about everything that has been going on and how i was feeling last week, and last week things really seemed to be turning around, he actually seemed like he wanted me around but then monday he didnt want to hang out cause he said he was going to either work on his Suburban or go to his uncles or something and from moday he has gone back to ignoring me, not calling me and acting like he doesnt want me around other than to ask me if he could use my credit card to order some stuff for his truck, i told him yeah as long as he gave me the money up front cause i have very little in my account and then he showed me what all he wanted to order. As soon as he was done though he went back to being a butt head ( that sounds juvinille but he was) adn then he wouldnt give me a kiss when i was leaving and acted like he was irritated when i gave him one. I dont know what his problem is, i have an idea. I'm at the end of my leash now...i;m tired of his crap, i;ve stood by him all these years, we;ve been through thick and thin but i really think I need a break now, cause if he thinks he can act like that FINE but i wont be around to put up with it. I;m not even mad right now, i;m just tired. he can call me when he feels like it but i;m tired of loosing sleep trying to figure him out, i talk to him and nothing ever changes, at least not for very long. i thought that was how we made it so far, by talking our issues out but i;m too tired to keep talking especially when it feels like no one is listening.And the cold hard trueth is that i really dont think we;re going any where anymore....i feel like he gave up along time ago and im the idiot who has stuck around all these years "knowing" that we were going somewhere, now i dont even know if i care.....i really hope hes happy

Winter Woes

2006-01-30T20:37:00.000-07:00

yeah so my truck is out of commision, so much for indistructable Toyotas....dont tell Micheal i said that cause he would point out that it was my fault, although i am pretty sure i was NOT the one who unplugged my truck last night....actually i dont know how it got unplugged but i guess that doesnt really matter now, now does it. cause i managed to get it started, great right? well untill i got out of work and went to go to class to find that almost all the oil in my engine had mysteriously ended up on the ground. My dad came to rescue me after class with a couple quarts of oil and i managed to get it to the shop and drop it off. i think the cold start this morning broke a seal of two in the engine. but the shop is swamped right now casueeveryones shit is breaking down and my truck takes last priority cause micheal;s mom wont let me pay him to do it, actually i talked to her and she would let me pay him but he refused to accept the money, which is really frustrating because i would rather have micheal work on my truck than somone that i dont know but at the same time i would liek to have it back in less than a month (ok hes not normally that bad). if its not done by the time icome back from anchorage i think i am going to ask Jack if hew will just do it and let me pay him because i really cant afford to not have my truck durning school. my dad said he would get up to bring me to work at 7 up i know he doesnt liek getting up that early, shit i dont even like getting up that early but i need the hours. oh well i am too exhausted to care right now...i might care next week but who knows. i think this weekend took it all outa me...that was my freakout for the month...

Once you get past the years of toumenting Brothers can be amazing

2006-01-29T23:01:00.000-07:00

So i feel much better after talking with Jere. Somehow he seems to be able to put everything into perspective for me and then i calm down and am not freaking out as much. So i am going to Anchorage, and i had to apologize to Leah because i guess i really hurt her feelings because of the way i had worded things when i talked to her...she was upset becuase she thought i wasnt going to anchorage cause i didnt think that she was good enough to make it till Saturday....that isnt what i had ment so i said i was sorry adn apoligized.
we talked for a while about everything, and i feel alot better, i love my brother.

Worste sister ever....

2006-01-29T19:16:00.000-07:00

So i am starting to feel like the worste sister in the world right now because i dont htink htat i am going to go to anchorage to see leah wrestle at State this coming weekend. its partially cause i hate the drive to Anchorage nad the only thing i hate more than the drive is being there. but also if i am going to stick to my new years rsolution i cant afford to go either cause i am looking at around 300$ just for the gas down and back, hotel, food and to get into the tournement. and i know its a horrible way to think because i want to be supportive of Leah but what if i go down there and she gets bumped form the tournement before we even get there, wich could very easily happend, then i would have spent all that money and for what? to spend the weekend in a town that i hate? and my mom said that she would pay for me to go but i am so sick of feeling like i loaf off of my mom so much. lately i have been feeling really guilty about still living with my parents let alone letting them pay for me every time i turn around. I just feel like i'm never gonna be able to make it on my own cause i am getting too dependant on them, everybody i know already makes enough to live on their own and support them selves and here i am living at home and the only thing that i pay for is gas and i still dont have jack shit....
then my dad keeps pissing me off too, like he really knows how to jerk my chain and he seems like he is just doinmg it more and more lately. I wish that i could just get a fucking loan already and buy my own house so that i could move outa here.Its stupid cause i have enough for a down payment and then some and i could afford the payments on a 30-40,000 house but no one will give me the loan or let me sign cause i dotn have any credit...i am going to try at the end of this semester to see if my bank will let me get pre approved for a home loan, other wise i think i may just break down and take micheal up on his offer to move out with him, even though i said i wouldnt untill we were engaged...i'm just so sick of feeling like i'm not welcome and like i am a mooch.
adn NO i dont want to pay rent, adn NO i refuse to live in an apartment....i still feel that it is a waste of money to rent adn i would rather live in my truck than in an appartment. I';m sorry if that is harsh sounding but i';m in a really bad mood right now and i dotn feel very compasionate .....maybe next time i write i will be better, or maybe i will be living in my truck....

UPDATE

2006-01-25T16:11:00.000-07:00

So if you read V's comment you all know what she does, for the most part anyway. right after i wrote that post i had to go to Chemistry, then after that i went to the shop and picked Micheal up and we went to his bank and then to lunch. after lunch, and him refusing to let me pay for myself we got in the car adn i was really confused about what this had all ment, so i just asked him point blank. he said that it was his way of telling me that he was sorry adn that he didnt know what he was thinking the day before when he had said that he didnt know if he wanted to be with me. and so far things are alot better, we went to his uncles yesterday to help him get his pipes unthawed the rest of the way, this kinds sucked cause i was inside with micheals tow cousins and they drive me insane sometimes cause they are rude and dont listen. and the youngest one kept hitting Bear, at one point with a tennis racket adn i kept telling her to stop because she was going to hurt him but she was like "I'm just playing with him" and then she would pull his tail or grab him by the neck and slam him on the floor. Micheal said that eh doesnt think that she could hurt him cause he out weighs her by almost 30lbs but it still bothers me that she is that violent with animals *MENTAL NOTE:dont aske micheals cousins to babysit your kids.... then they kept jumping all over and climbing on me and no matter how many times i told them to stop that they were going to get hurt or that they were hurting me they wouldnt stop...well the hurtung me part they did cause apparently they liek me.... and its not that i dont like them, they are just sooooo busy all the time it drives me insane.....i dont know how their mom does it.oh and then they kept playing with Bear really rough right? but when he would play rough back and bite them or somthing they would start crying adn want me or micheal if he was in the house to beat Bear...i told micheal that id he did then he better beat them too cause they started it....he told me that they are always like that...guess thats why he doesnt bring me out there much cause he knows that they drive me insane after a little while.
after that we came back into town and dropped Bear off at micheals house adn then when to Dennys for dinner....we had the worst service ever and i left like a 60cent tip...i felt bad cause i knew the girl form highschool but frankly she was a shitty waitress, she should ocnsider another job cause they werent busy at all. V and Aaron came in just before Micheal and i left, it was nice to see her cause i never get to see her now that school has started.
speaking of school, i totally got on here to do some of my communications homework but the web server wont let me access any of the files that i need becuase it is stupid. oh and then i found out that my chem teacher is doing our online homework differently this semester, which i vaguly rememebr him saying but i had forgotten. well anyway it is due tommorrow and i hadnt even started it yet, but i totally cranked it out in less than an hour and gopt full credit....thats right i am a genious..Just Jokeing. see i cant even spell......well i am going to see if i can get the internet thing for my class to work on my lap top, wish me all luck.....
PS DAD-if your reading this THANK YOU to you and mom for the Ipod, i love it...makes it so much easier to do chem when i have music to listen too instead of all the ppl talking (or eating) around me...

2006-01-23T13:33:00.000-07:00

So i couldnt sleep last night, which sucked cause i had to get up at 5:45 for work. Its partially my own fault though, i was trying not to think about everything between me and Micheal so hard that i just threw myself into my school work and studied untill i was too exhausted to study anymore then tried to sleep but my brain was in hyper mode adn all night i keep going over everything that i had been reading untill around 5:30 when i finally looked at the clock and told myself to shut up...do a good 15 min of sleep...if that counts at all.
Then work was going good, i was listening to my Ipod and focusing really hard so that i wouldnt think about Micheal when my phone rang, i looked down and there is was "Babe" on the caller ID. Yesterday i had broken down and called him buut he refused to see me so that we could talk so i just downloaded on him right there over the phone and asked him why he was acting the way he is, he couldnt tell me. he said he loved me but he didnt know if he wanted to be with me or not anymore, he wasnt sure if he was happy or not....it boiled down to he just didnt know....he barely talked at all durning the conversation though and i was getting really frustrated because it was making me feel like he just didnt care what he was doing to me, i told him this and he was like "why do you always think that i have the answers....i dont know hwat i want..." right after that i asked if he still loved me and he said yes...but that he didnt know if he wanted to be with me...like that love isnt enough, which i understand cause back after High School i loved him to death but i couldnt stay with him when he was hurting himself like that.
Well anyway he called me at work adn wanted to see me, but i dont get out of class till 1....he wasnt sure if he was going to want to see me after that....he was acting really weird, like changing his mind alot, right now i am supposed to call him in an hour when i am out of chem...but i'm really scared, i was happy when i looked at my phone and it was him cause i was liek "YES he cant live without me" but the way he acted when he was talking to me made me really nervouse and i felt sick the rest of the time i was at work, i still feel sick just thinking about it....like somthing bad is about to happen....

DOCTER: how do you feel?

2006-01-21T22:19:00.000-07:00

ME: I feel......

Rantings of a Crazy lady

2006-01-21T21:24:00.000-07:00

So i know that anyone who knows me thinks that i am the biggest pesimest ever adn you are all right. I am so nervouse right now because i know that something bad is about to happen cause things cant be this good for one person, sooner or later i got to fall. Cause life is just a sequence of hills and valleys...
well i think its happening, the valley that is....I should know for sure in 6 no i'm sorry 5 days cause thats how long i'm giving it. I should really explain,....i bet that i am a very confusing person to know sometimes, i seem random even to myself. For a while i have felt like things just werent quite right between Micheal adn i. well last night we had....not really a fight, because it takes two people to fight and he just sat there. I tried to explain to him that i dont feel like i make him happy anymore adn that the way he has been acting lately ( wich is indifferent to me) is making me nervous. I point blank asked him if he was cheating on me and that was the only point that he looked at me and said something wich was "No, Rachel" but it still didnt change the fact that he makes me feel like he has better things to do. he can go for days without talking to me adn then calls at 2 in the morning to see if i want to talk....he knows that i need to get up at 6/ 6:30 for work.....I just dont understand all this, yesterday when i got home i went to my room adn started screaming at his picture like a crazy person....asking why he had to change and why he doesnt love me, what i did, why he went back to drugs, WHY I AM NOT ENGOUGH ANYMORE!!!!!! bcause that is how i feel, like its me, or pot....but there has to be somthing that makes a person fall out of love....cause there is always something that makes you fall inlove right?adn then i started thinking that maybe it is me, that i jsut make things up in my head nad then i blame micheal and push him away....Maybe i;m the one who is unhappy...im just so confused....so i have been doing school work and cleaning and more school work and more cleaning....cause i dont want to talk about it...i want to close my eyes and wake up back in high school, when we were fine and before our senior year, adn when i have to make the choice to be alone again when he goes back to drugs i want to run down stairs to V and never look back, Because if he has fallen out of love then why the hell did i ever meet him? why the hell did God or Cupid or whatever bring us together? cause i'm starting to feel like it was some big joke and everybody else is laughing but me.....adn i wouldnt trade Micheal for anything, so its a lye that i would go back and change whats happend but he has 5 days left to figure out if he wants me in his life or not...i just dont know what to do if he says or rather doesnt say anything..... what if he isnt happy? then what? I keep telling myself i'll be ok cause now i have V and Ashley but what if i'm not? i dont know what would be worse.....loveing a man that i'm not with or loving a man that is indifferent, cause at least if hes with me i dont have to see him with anyone else
but again maybe he does love me and i am the one who is ignoreing him becasue i am so busy...AHH SD ASKJ DHGLSFglscvb ci could go arround and arround all night and all day with this CRAP i'm done....i dont want to talk about this any more and i dont want to think about it either

First Day Jitters

2006-01-17T17:51:00.000-07:00

So i had my official first day of work in the lab this morning...It was cool. i was kinda nervous and i have trouble sleeping last night, untill Micheal called so i dont know if i was worried about the job or him getting home or if just talking to him made me feel better or if i was finally exhausted enough from thinking that i crashed out... anyway, time flies when i was in the lab today...i ended up staying untill 2 because i was having fun finding bugs...adn Cassie ( my new boss) said that i was catching on quick...she seems further along in the data collection than i thought so i am not sure that the position that i have will be open for the next two years but thats ok cause i could always join another lab, or start my masters study early....I want to thank her so much for giving me this chance cause i know that she took a chance on me because i have like NO lab experience....All i know is that no matter how crazy anyone thinks i am for saying this...looking at bugs under a microscope is WAY WAY WAY more fun than paperwork...I dont think i was really cut out for doing paper work....i learned so much today, i hope that i keep having this much fun at work....Oh and Cassie gave me the OK to come in at 7am so i will get a full 20 hours a week in the lab!!!plus be a full time student...this shoudl help my plans for saving money because even if i put half of every paycheck away into savings i will still be making more than i did the last 2 semesters when i was only working like 10-14 hours...well just wanted to let everyone know that my first day whent good....TTYAL

PANTY SNATCHERS!!!!!

2006-01-09T23:19:00.000-07:00

WARNING:this is not for the weak of stomach...reader discretion is advised....
The following story is based on true events...names of the parties involved have been changed to protect the innocent.Please do not try any on the stunts here in at home, they may be detrimental to your health
and that fragile image we all have of our parents.
It was a Frigid January evening, Mary Joe Walker Jr.was inside talking with a long time childhood friend never once suspecting the impending doom that shadowed the night around her far north home. A point in the conversation jogged Mary Joe's memory about a subject she needed to take up with her father so she entered the master bedroom to find him lying on his side in the middle of the gargantuan bed plotting away on his personal computer. Mary Joe began, progressed through and was about to finish her conversation when her eyes naturally drifted to somthing pink hanging on the lamp shade next to the bed........
"PANTY SNATCHING MOTHER!!!!!!!" it was Mary Joe Walker Jr.'s favorite Pink Thong!!!!
"OH MY GOD......OH MY GOD....NOOOO.....OH MY GOD...."
she quickly closed her eyes, the horror was too much, the pink lace aglow dangleing so lightly from the lampshade....burned into her brain forever...."MOM!!! how could you?OH MY GOD!!! MY favorite pair.....AGH!!!!!"
"What?" asked her mother....groggly from the couch.....
"HOW COULD YOU WEAR MY UNDERWEAR? and not just any underwear...my "get lucky" underwear?"
"Well....cause i was getting lucky dear......"

Have fun thinking about that folks....just thought i would SPICE it up a little in here...felt like my blog was getting a little stale....

YOUR HIRED!!!

2006-01-07T19:42:00.000-07:00

So i was checking my email tonight...my first night back in the BIG city lol from my brothers. AND i got the job that i interviewed for!!!! I'm so excited, i had pretty much talked myself out of it and was sure that i hadnt gotten it but now that i know i have i am so happy!!!! it means that i dont have to keep filing papers!!!
It does kinda blow my plans for the summer because i was planning on doing construction work or somthing like that so that i could make some really good money to add to my savings but i'm not to disappointed about that i think i would rather do somthing that i found interesting than manual labor even if it doesnt pay as well. that and Micheal brought up that about all a construction company would hire me for woud be to be a flag man cuase i cant lift as much as a guy...adn sense my accident last year my lifting ability is at an all time low...but it doesnt matter because i am going to work in a lab!!! YEAH:) I'm so excited.....and i just cant hide it...yeah yeah...i'm so excited.... ( that was me singing)

So i dont care who get irritated by this cause no one should....

2006-01-04T13:53:00.000-07:00

So after work today i am going to go get new snow pants!!! yeah for me.... But i called my mom just now to ask if her and my dad still wanted to pay me back for this x-mas present that i bought for myself from them or if they wanted to help me pay for my snow pants....really its the same either way....but my mom seemed all distrate when i called her and now i feel bad for even asking for the money...this is why i hate asking for money and why i dotn do it...i know she did mean to sound the way she did she is jsut frustrated cause the furness guy didnt show up when he was supposed to but i think that i will just save her and my dad the money.... I spent way more than i should have on the clothes for church and i dotn really want them to pay me back for that cause now i feel like i spent too much and its not fair to ask them to pay that much....but if i let them buy the snow gear then its just that much more....its not like with my sister cause i actually have a job that i can keep year round...that and i am 20....i think that i mooch off them enough by not moving out....
I hope my mom just forgets that i called today, cause now i feel bad for doing it....
well i better get going i need to go pick up groceries for the rest of the week out at jeres and then go look at snow pants so that i can ride my newly painted sled!!! i'll have to put pics on here to show everyone the awsome job that micheal and his dad did with the paint job! Its PINK!!!! so me i know...... they must love me to 1. buy pink paint. and then 2. design such a girly looking sled just for me....:)

Weird.....

2005-12-22T13:27:00.000-07:00

Ok so the last few days everytime that i drive in to town or back out to my brothers its been dark adn i feel like i am going to throw up the entire way....Is it possible to get carsick while you are driving? cause like this morning for example, i was driving in and i got about 3 miles from his house and started to feel like i have the stomch flu....it persisted and got worse untill i got up to the University and was sitting in my truck, thinking about calling in sick and going to my parents to lay in bed for the day.i decided to wait in the truck for 15 min cause i was like 20 min early....i leaned my seat back and closed my eyes for a little bit and i started feeling better, within 10 min of sitting there in my truck my stomch felt 100% better, my head didnt hurt, and i didnt feel feverish anymore....its weird, i'm starting to wonder if that is why i always fall asleep in cars, because other wise i get sick...interesting....
i'm not sure what the plan is for tomorrow...i was going to see if i could come to work in the afternoon instead of the morning so that i could go to Leahs wrestlig meet at 6 but then i heard that the director is talking abotu closing the office at 12 so if i want the hours i need to come in at 8 and get off at noon, but then i have a 6hour lag time before the meet, no problem really other than that jeres dogs will either be outside or inside adn will either need to come in and be fed or let out depending on the temp but i dotn have the money to be driving out there and then back into town and then back out there...cause then i would have to fill my truck up again and i've already filled it three times this week...thats like 120 some dollars....thats how much i normally spend on gas a month...that and i dotn know if Courts sister is planning on going to the meet, if she is then i might as well stay in town and give her a ride back but if she isnt then i should go back out there as soon as i get off work because she is coming over to help me with the scrap book... i think i will call her tonight and find out what she is doing and then talk to Leah, i feel bad for not going to more of her meets...but i guess she never really went to that many of mine either...
today before i go out to the house i think i am going to stop by the store....maybe i shoudl call my dad and tell him thati will pick up the pizza for tomorrow night and he doesnt have to..yeah i;ll just get them tonight..i'm down to like my last 5 checks...wich sucks cuase i still havent gotten in my new ones that i ordered like 3 weeks ago....i thought it would only take 2 weeks. maybe i should go tot the bank too and take out some money just in case cause with how much i have been haveing to fill up my truck i might run out of checks by monday...
i'm not looking forward to the drive back out to the house...i dont want to feel sick again...oh well, once i get out there i am fine. i wonder if micheal will come out tonight...i havent seen him for a couple days now cause i leave town before he gets off and i understand why he wouldnt want to drive all the way out there just to have to drive back into town a couple hours later...but i miss him...that seems silly, we've been dating for so long and i miss him after a couple days apart, adn we talk everyday..its not like hunting season when he will be gone for a month or so and i talk to him the day he leaves and then dotn hear anything untill he is back...

I PASSED I PASSED....do the happy dance...I PASSED!!!

2005-12-21T13:49:00.000-07:00

One more semester of chemistry and i am done...finished...." no more"(inside joke) i think i will graduate in the spring of 08 give or take a semester....I'm so excited! now i am just waiting on my ecology grade, i know i passed, i just want to know if i got an A or a B...
I'm so ready for this week to be over, this is the last day of wrestling practice untill next year (meaning Jan) then i have two more days of work...
I'm picking V up after work today to bring some of her stuff to her dads now that she is moving out, im happy for her, she doesnt deserve the way they treat her at that apartment....and they are the reason why she has been having such a hard time finding a job...
well i better get going..write more later

Odds and ends of the day

2005-12-20T12:21:00.000-07:00

OK why am i so tired today? the drive in was horrible, my eyes wouldnt adjust cause i am sleepy so every time somone would pass me my eyes would start watering and i would be completely blinded for a little bit.... its cause my brothers house is so warm and cozy, i slept soo sound last night adn i could have slept all day today if i hadnt had to come in for work.
So my cousin matt is engaged now....i find it kinda humorous cause i didnt even realize that he had a girlfriend....then micheal came out to the house again last night with Bear, we had fun jsut hanging out together...it was nice, and bear adn duke were cracking us up...they are so funny when they play....
Oh and i locked myself outa my car this morning....threw my keys in my purse and went inside...i had to call parking services and then wait by my car for them to come unlock it. then the guy got the door unlocked but the tool was stuck in the door...lol it was funny.
Oh and Brandon came back into town yesterday, i heard that Leah left Practice early to go see him at the airport...Ritchie sure has changed sents the days when micheal and i were wrestling.
oh and i went to check my grades on line the other day and have forgotten my password...now i am locked out of my account ( like i do at the end of every semester) and need to call the registars office to have it reset...it will probably require me going down to lower campus so show my ID or some shit....maybe this is a sign that i shouldnt check my grades....i dont really want to know if i failed chem...i only want to know if i passed.lol that makes no sense.

:) He Loves Me...He cant help it....:)

2005-12-19T10:33:00.000-07:00

ok I'm not sure that everyone knows but i am staying out at my brothers house this winter break...my cell doesnt work out there but if you want to reach me you can call my parents and they can give you the number out there, or leave a message on my cell and when i get it i will call you. its a long way out of town but its kinda fun...its the first time i havent been scared while house sitting adn even though i stand by the fact that i am a cat person, i think that i can thank Duke and Jezabelle (my bros dogs) for making me feel safe....anytime i feel scared i just tell duke to go check the house and he goes running out into the kitchen and living room to check....and then at night he cuddles with me adn jezzi normally sleeps at my feet or on the other side of me...oh that reminds me..so at like 2 this morning Duke woke me up and i started to pet him, but i was half asleep and he started to roll over so that i could scratch his belly and rolled right off the bed...i felt bad for laughing but it was so funny. but he got me back for laughing this morning cause he scared the crap outa me at around 4 by barking right in my face....
so back to why i was writing, and what he title of todays post is about...Micheal and i made up saturday.... I hadnt called him friday night because i was mad that he hadnt showed up to the wrestling meet like he had said he would, and i felt like he hadnt come becasue i was there....well it turned out that he tried to call my cell but like i mentioned before it doesnt work when i am out at Jeres....then he tried to call Jeres house to make sure that i made it out there, but i was outside playing with the dogs....then he was worried thinking that i hadnt made it out there and then i didnt call him cause i hadnt realized that he had call me and i was still mad...then the next day i had to go to a funeral for courts aunt...which was absolutly beautiful...Liz would have liked it so many people were there and they had her favorite foods and songs...
well i was at the funeral and micheal was trying to call me again at jeres. after the funeral i came into town and did alittl shopping with my mom and then headed over to Micheal's house for the x-mas party...i wasnt feeling that good and i was thinking baout not going but i did...when i got there Micheal was like "YOu not know how to answer a phone or what?" which really pissed me off and i started to leave but then he was like "Wait! no..." and gave me a big hug and told me about how he had been trying to call me and was worried cause i hadnt answered ( i checked when i got back out to Jeres...he had called their house like 6 times in an hour!thats so not like him) so we talked and enjoyed the party and people kept asking why we werent married or engaged yet, micheals dad tried to help by metioning that micheal is building a house this summer so its just not the right time for us right now....and although i agree it felt good to see him getting such a rash of crap for not asking yet:) i think its cause i would never say it to him because i figure that he will ask when hes ready, but i think about it alot, espesially lately because i feel like we could be getting married in the next year and half to two years, like its feesable now, not like high school.
then i left the party early becuase i didnt want to head out to JEres too late, but i didnt really want to go cause i was having so much fun cuddling with micheal and sneeking away from everyone for little kisses....like micheal would catch my eye from across the room and then he would walk downstairs and a few minutes later i would casually walk downstairs...hehehe it was funny, and i am sure that everyone noticed....
so i left and went out to Jeres, leah was already there adn we hadf planned on working on this scrap book for Jere and court...when i got out there leah was already hard at work getting the pics ready to be printed....i called micheal to tell him that i got there adn he was driving in his truck... i was like thats odd i thought he had to stay at the party... so i was like " Are you driving?" "Ummm yeah..." "oh where you going?" "Nowhere..." "LIAR...your going to a friends house huh?" "Maybe" ( i hate when he says maybe) "If you are jsut tell me, i dont care.." "Yeah i'm going to a friends house.." "Ok...well i'm going to help leah with the scrap book now and then head to bed... i got a party thing at Niki's tomorrow at 1, want me to call you after?" "yeah" " ok love you..." "love you too..."
Then about 30mins later Duke started barking and i was yelling at him sayin gthat no one was there when as i walked to the back door i about crapped cause there the micheal in the window...it scared me cause i really didnt expect anyone to be outside cause Duke always barks at nothing...but anyway Micheal had come out to the house to spend time with me and while Bear played with Jez and duke i relished in the fact that we were not fighting any more....
AND to top it off i have an interview for a lab position today at 1!!!! I'm having such a good weekend i dont think i really care anymore if i failed chem...i'm sure that it will bug me, but i'm just so happy right now....and this is getting long so i better go.TTYL

alright...

2005-12-16T00:46:00.000-07:00

so i told myself that maybe i shouldnt write about micheal and i fighting in my blog because it tends to give the wrong impression about our relationship when all i do is talk about how made i am at him...but thats the thing, i;m not. And i try to write about the fun times we have together and the times that i am on top of the world but you know what thats not what a relationship is about...your not always doing great, your not always falling in love....sooner or later you come down from the high and you fight and yell and dont talk for days...or if you do its only at night...for 5 minutes to say goodnight, ilove you and to inform the other person that Yes..you are still mad....thats where micheal and i are right now....the one phone call at night, i love you, i'm still pissed, hope you had a good day, mine sucked, goodnight.
And the thing is that the only reason i am mad is cause i feel liek he doesnt want me around, but he has been sulking for the last two days and is mad that i am mad.....its like a visous cycle....but i'm always the one to break it. we're going to have to see eachother tomorrow because we are both going to the wrestling meet for our respective younger siblings....I feel like we are playing some sort of game....liek the one that we play to see who can go the longest without kissing or touching the other,and we do everything in our power to make the other person want to kiss us. but this time its not all cute and im not vieing for a kiss...well ok maybe i am, but hes a stuborn ass.....LMAO he is.....why am i mad at him but still laughing? I am so furious right now, i just got off the phone with him, and he is still doing the bur in his ass thing and yet i;m laughing....
Its like he knows i;m mad, and i know hes mad but niether of us wants to give in.... I invited him to my brothers house over break....he said maybe...wich in micheal talk mean no most of the time...maybe i;ll come over, maybe i;ll call you, maybe i will see you, MAYBE THIS!!!!!! Maybe i;ll get over it! HA how do you liek that micheal? throw your stupid MAYBE back in your face...
Ok that was a little Psyco huh? i just am not really sure how i feel, and i dotn know if ill fell different tomorrow when my finals are done and i suddenly dont have anything to occupy my time...maybe i will go to the gym....but he might be there...thats what he did today, part of me wonders if he didnt go to see if i was there...cuase then he went straight home for dinner...and he when shortly after 6 ----when i am normally there...but i didnt go today becasue i was going to go home after practice and study...didnt do alot of that though....i think i know too much already, they should jsut give me my degree adn be done with it....
I wonder if thats why he went to the gym....it would be great if it was....i'm so going to make sure that i look absolutley want to rip her clothes off hot tomorrow for the wrestling tournement....:) i wonder what he'll think of that.... "you wanna play, lets play baby...." LETS GET READY TO RUMMBLE!!!!!!!!! i;m so winning getting him to kiss me first....

Fun little Story

2005-12-15T16:13:00.000-07:00

So i thought it might be fun to tell a story today, its about my parents. I was thinking about it today during lunch with my dad while we were talking about everything that has been going on lately. Its a story about how different and man and womans point of view can be when confronted with the same situation.
First i would like to start with the version that my mother would tell me when i was little.
MOM's Story of how her and my dad got engaged:
So it all started one summer. My mom and dad had both applied for the same job at a local gas company. Their interviews were on the same day. My mom, early as usual( untill recent years when my dad and her have switched) adn my dad stylishly late arived for their interviews at the same time.
The tall hansome young blonde guy with the amazing blue eyes stopped and opend the door for my mom. Her assesing the situation adn relizeing that they were there for the same reason said " We're both here for the same job so if you think being nice to me is going to help you get it your out of your mind..." to which my dad smiled, adn clamly slammed the door in her face.... She went home that night telling my grandma that she had met the man that she was going to marry, " Really? whats his name?" "I havent gotten that far yet Mom...geeze"
Both my mom and dad ended up being hired and worked together that summer, my dad shooting rubber bands at her butt when she bent over and her too shy too ask him on a date...Untill one day, my dad had had is wisdom teeth out....there he was sitting at his desk, doped up and bruise adn unable to talk. So my mom sauntered over adn asked "So Tom, Would you like to go out tonight?" then came the muffled reply "nfjdhfaNlhfhOfdjslkdjfiw" (can you guess what he was trying to say?) " O...ok then...see you at 7...."
After that date, my dad healed up and realized that my mom looked killer in a pair of white jeans (I dont know if she made that up or not)and they went out a couple more times. then one night he said "Ok Cindy we need to get one thing clear, i'm not looking to settle down, i'm gonna date other girls" adn so he did.
when my mom went back to school that fall she decided that there was no point in sticking to one man, even if they were to be married some day, if he wasnt going to be exclusive with her...so untill he came around she would find some arm candy of her own to drive him crazy....so she dated another guy while at school adn with winter break fast approaching decided to bring him home for christams...but to her suprise he was headed to the same little town in Illinois...."Hey we coudl do a doule date with my Best friend from high school when we get to town Cindy..." my mom agreed, it could nbe fun...
So tehy headed back home for the holidays and one night this other guy came to pick her up from her house adn then they headed to his buddies house to pick him up....the were standing on the front porch waiting for somone to answer adn my mom was thinking about my Dad ...."i wonder what he would think if he saw me out tonight?i wonder if hes even in town..." suddenly the door opened and she looked up....into those amazing blue eyes....my dad just smiled greeted his friend adn then her....
my mom ended up breaking up mutually with the other guy and her adn my dad began dating exclusivly...then one night my dad pulled a small box from his coat adn asked "Cindy....would you grow old with me?" and slipped the opal ring on her finger (opal instead of diamonds because he knew they were her favorite) a year or so later they were married.

Now for my dads version of the events.
Your mom was a snob when i first met her....but i thought she was pretty cute and she wore these white jeans to work that drove me nuts. she tricked me into dating her because i couldnt talk...but that was ok cause she was cute... i wasnt looking for anything serious and i date a lot of others girls while i was with her... this probably drove her insane....
Then i asked about how he proposed....
well thats a funny story, cause i never proposed, well not really. I decided to buy her a ring, but i was flat broke so i bought an opal, btu htat was still more than i could afford really....but i thought it looked pretty. then one night i asked her to grow old with me....next thing i knew i was standing at the front of a church, saying i do adn was married.
when i asked her to grow old i was thinking more along the lines of "hey lets run away to Alaska and live in sin for the rest of our days..." ( he said this all in a joking/ laughing tone----for any of you that know my dad you know the jokester that he is)
So you see my parents seem to have very different views on how it all came to be...and i started thinking, whats the moral behind this story?
Girls: Take what you can get and run with it, no matter how ludicris it is, men wont question it...and in the end you'll have the love of a life time
Boys: Becarful what you say....
Hope you all enjoyed the story....

Sometimes i feel like screaming

2005-12-14T13:25:00.000-07:00

So something is up lately...Micheal and i are fighting adn ignoring eachother. its like we are in a slump and cant get out, and some people are just making it worst by gloating in it, liek they are happy that i am miserable and irritated and exhausted.I;m not going to name names though, i'm sure they know who they are.
Last night i jsut gave up and left his house saying "next time if you dont want to see me or hang out be an ass to start with dotn wait till i drive across town..." and then i left, without a good bye, without saying "i love you"....we never leave without saying "ilove you"
I called him last night to say good night and to see if we could talk things out but he was still in the same...well for loss of a better word...Bitchy ass mood as when i had been at his house. Its like he is pissed off at me...or board with me.
Myabe it was bound to happen, i mean we;ve been together sence we were 14, maybe people arent supposed to fall inlove that young because you change too much, because you just end up falling out. The scary thing is that i'm typing all this, thinking about it, contemplateing what could be happening and i just feel exausted....too tired to feel pain, or hurt. like last night normally i would have driven home crying, i started to, my eyes started welling with tears and then i started thinking about what micheal was doing...playing video games not caring that i had left, no actually he was probably getting his coat to go hang out with his friends now that i was gone...then i was just angry....All i wanted was some time with him, for him to hold me and kiss me...for him to act like he was in love with me....I;m sick of hearing it i want to see it from him...i'm tired of feeling like i was just the thing to do while he waited for his freinds....and i know that this should hurt more when i say it and that scares me, but i'm getting offly sick of trying....
I;m starting to think that love is a big load of shit....what the hell is the point if at the end of the day things have to change, and you cant keep that innocence, that feeling of falling, what the hell are you to do when your that old married couple before you are even married.................i guess you close your eyes and go to bed, see how you feel in the morning

OK correction----

2005-12-13T22:18:00.000-07:00

I need to be clear about something...My Brother's wife is pregnant, NOT ME, but i will be an aunt in June...YEAH FOR ME!!!! and she is being weird but i am trying to be understanding...key word "trying"

Something worth while

2005-12-13T11:22:00.000-07:00

Ok so the last couple post have been kinda negative..ok not kinda they have been really negative. But actually i have been feeling really good. i've been stressed of course cause of finals and i think that i am more irratible because of it and there for pissed off at alot of people and things. But i realized this morning that yeah i am irritated with my brothers wife, but after talking to my friend Niki ( who i thought could shed some light on being pregnant seeing as she now has her almost 2 year old son) she said that she was the same way when she was pregnant and that she would often be angry with people and not liek them for no apparent reason, but i figure that i can still have micheal out adn my Sister said that she would come out to visit, OH and i am going to practice my cooking so i thought it maybe fun to have a little survey:
Please vote how you truely think i promise that this is for fun and if you really think that i will starve to death when left to my own devises i wont take offense...but if i do i ask that you come to my funeral and cry, and say somthing nice about me and my cooking:) and then afterwards be sure to have a party where you all get drunk and have a couple laughs on me....preferably in a hot tube adn with at least ONE naked boy falling, being pushed, or getting hit with a snowball resulting in a face plant into the snow for me....now please place you bets...oh wait is that legal in alaska? ok now real money is to be exchanged( that i know about that way i dotn have to admit anything if THEY come looking for me)
What will happen to Rachel over Winter Break
Terms: i will be at my brothers house from dec16 -Jan7/8
Other than holidays and maybe weekends i will be cooking at the house for break
So...for those of you who know me, and those of you who dont...place your votes

1. I Will starve to death within a week
2. I will give myself food poisoning, and then come back to my parents house
3. I will burn the house down, or at least the kitchen
4. I will eat out everyday
5. I will be hospitalized for mac'n'cheese overdose
6. Being forced into a suvival i will end this break as a gourmet chef and you will all be begging me to feed you!

Ok i'll let you all know how i do, i'll try to update every couple days and let you know how it went adn what i have for dinner, seeing as i dont eat breakfast and i will be at work for lunch so dinner will be the only meal that i am required to cook because thats generally the only meal i ever eat that is, well not microwavable---normally..lol

adn to end on a very good note: I LOVE COACHING!!!!! i think i have said that before...and Leah came to Yoga with me yesterday---she is like freakishly flexable...i dont think we are really related (just joking) She blows me away somtimes, she is turning into an amazing youmg woman...i hope my dad is right when he said that shes like me, cause if i'm like her then i'm pretty well off. So I love coaching. i love my family, i love micheal, i love my friends adn although i am stressed out beyond belief right now...i'm happy.....

Ok Friends and Boyfriends are pissing me off today!!!

2005-12-11T22:24:00.000-07:00

OK so i started out irritated with micheal bcause he is being stupid right now and pissing me off...to the point that i am really rethinking what i got him for christmas cause i really dont think he was telling me the trueth when he said he wanted a ring, because he missed wearing his...i think he said it to make me happy cause lately the way he acts is well frankly like he could care less if i was in the room or not....and i know htat you are going to say...look back in your blog but that entry doesnt help with how i feel right now...cause hes still pissing me off
then Ashley is acting kinda bitchy right now...probably because i told her that i didnt want to be around John now that they are back together...long story that i am not getting into but short version he left her for his ex then when nothing was going to happen there crawled back to her so that he would have someone to pick him up after getting drunk on a monday night....GET A FUCKING JOB ADN STOP USING MY BF YOU ASS WHIPE!!!
well i called her to see if she wanted to go to FAC a nd worek out and she said no cause she is sick...thats fine...but then i told her how i was pissed at micheal and she made some comment about how i was just going to be pissed at him tommorrow too cause he always does this...well at least hes not leaving me for Monica...ok that was harsh but i'm FuCKING pissed right now...i may delete this entry if i get my senses about me again...HA
And then to top it off JEre called me to ask if i could house sit after him adn court kept going back and forth with can you house sit, nevermind found somone else, then can you house sit...like i am the last person they would trust to house sit adn then to top it off Court has some burr up her ass and said that i cant have V or ashley out there ( and with what ash said tonight im not as worried about that now) so pretty much i get to sit out at 29mile chena hotsprings road with their obnoxious dogs all christmas break just because court is having some pregnant lady fit and cant get over things that happend in junior high and freshman year of high school...but what is really pissing me off is that they wont tell me what it is that either V or Ash did! oh but michela can come out...like that will happend,,,with the way he has been acting i doubt i will even see him over break
and the only reason i am even still house sitting for them is because i love my brother and courtnies moods have cut almost all of his other opptions for who can house sit cause she doesnt trust or like anyone right now...its so stupid, if i ever act like that when i am pregnant someone slap some sense into me...
on the plus side i am coaching for wrestling now...its a total blast! i love working over there, and its making me feel good cause i have lost some weight too, not a lot but some and i feel so much better,,, i actually like working out again:) wich is like the first time sense i got out of wrestling in high school...they offered me a contract, nothing big like maybe 200$ a season but hey i;m doing it for nothing right now...and if the school district wont give me a contract i would still do it...so to end on a good note...if you need meaning or something that makes you feel really good volunteer...I wish i had done this early.

Little Rant

2005-11-28T19:07:00.000-07:00

Ok i realize that the break room at work is not my personal study space, and that other people use it, but again.... CLOSE YOUR FUCKING MOUTH!!!!!!!!!!! its one thing to be an ass hole but then to sit right next to me while i am trying to so my chemistry homework and eat FUCKING gummie bears and smak your god dam lips..... HERES AN IDEA.....how about you shut the hell up before i crack you one in the mouth!!!!! Seriously i completely understand why people go nuts....NO STOP EAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!FOR CHRISTS SAKE STOP EATING...OR LEAVE, YEAH LEAVE....YOU SAID YOU HAD TO LEAVE BY 5:15 ANYWAY WHATS 10 MINS....I CAN HANDLE EVERYONE ELSE BUT YOU AND YOUR GOD DAMN GUMMIE BEARS...................

Remeber this Rachel....

2005-11-27T17:12:00.000-07:00

So why do i worry myself? Do i just enjoy worring? NEways, Micheal called me yesterday morning and i went and picked him up at his buddies house around 9:30am. I brought him to go get his truck and then we went up to his uncles, where he is house sitting and spent the whole day just hanging out and joking around, It was great. we took my truck out to Standard Creek Rd and drove down it for like 3 or 4 hours, "hunting"....but mostly we just talked and goofed off, just being happy that we were together... I havent felt that happy adn relax in a long time and later as i was waiting in the truck while Micheal ran in to get the pizza we ordered for dinner i was petting Bear and wondering why i was so worried the last couple weeks, we're fine, we're always fine. Micheal and i are like the masters at love...ok maybe not the masters but even when we are busy and rarely get to see eachother we;re still ok.... cause when we do get to have some alone time its just that mcuh sweeter.... Oh and i would like to have it on teh record that Micheal have officially put my truck in the ditch before me...ahahahahha! thats right MR "YOU'LL PUT YOUR TRUCK IN THE DITCH LONG BEFORE I EVER DO..." definatly drove right into the ditch and got us stuck on our little adventure yesterday....I was laughing so hard that i couldnt be mad, because like a week ago he made some comment about my driving and how i would put my truck in a ditch again, and i said "no you;ll put it in a ditch" adn look i was right...hehehhee but while we we're getting it out i kept looking at Micheal and then at Bear in the truck looking at us like "HEY, why'd we stop?" adn i realized, thats what loves about....the times you end up in the ditch but pull eachother out....ok that was a way cheesy analogy...but its true, no matter how many times micheal and i get stuck we always manage to pull through....thats why i love him, cause we can laugh at eachother, make fun of each other and because he put my truck in the ditch....LOL odd reason to love someone huh?

Crash and Burn

2005-11-22T16:14:00.000-07:00

So the U really needs to put salt down...I was heading back to work after class, i had stopped by my dads office cause he picked me up some lunch (thank God cause i was starving and forgot my lunch at home) and totally whiped out coming out of his building. it was like SMACK!!!! the ground came up and hit me and then i was like "SHIT! im falling!" but i was already on the ground. i didnt even have a chance to recover. I landed so hard right on my knee, the same knee that i parially tore the ACL on earlier in my life. i bet its gonna hurt tomorrow. It already hurts now, but when i looked at it it wasnt bruised, alittle swollen but no bruising..yet.
Work has been busy today cause i am sitting at Maria;s desk. its nice. well i got 15 more min untill i'm off and then i am probably going thanksgiving shopping with my mom...I love thanksgiving.
Oh and i went to hang out with micheal yesterday....i thought that we would be alone but apparently he invited mike nicholson out to his uncles too.... i wasnt completely clear on it...but mike told me that his girlfriend Margo and him broke up, so i wonder if thats why micheal had him out there, is that how guys console eachother? I dont know, but it was hard to be irritated with him when i found that out. But still is it selfish that i wanted to hang out with my boyfriend..alone? and i tried to talk to micheal about everything that is bugging me and he did his usual of, "i have not" or "thats not how it is, we never talk everyday" and the infamous "I'm irritated because you keep asking why i am irritated"
just one question for all of you men out there, WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN!!!!!!!?

i look like i was in a bar fight!

2005-11-21T13:22:00.000-07:00

My eye is all swollen from the plane ride back from Anchorage. I thought that is would go down by this morning but appartently i was wrong. So advise to all, if you ever have a cut on your head with a staph infection dont fly....Unless you find the bar fighter look appealing.
i still dont know for sure that micheal and i are going to get together tonight... if we dotn i would be a big fat liar if i said that i wouldnt be upset. I'm so sick of school right now, i want to just be on a beach sleeping with micheal next to me...or mayber better yet in a hotel room on fresh clean cotton sheets and the doors to a balcony open overlooking the beach and a nice cool summer breeze ruffling the sheet as we lay cuddleing.... thats what i want.:) well back to work, before my boss gets mad that i'm not doing anything again....
LOL

Look at me on a roll----three days in a row

2005-11-15T10:29:00.000-07:00

So look at this i am post for the third day in a row.Micheal didnt call yesterday, kinda ticked me off so i finally called him at 11 when i was going to bed. He said that he was sorry and that he forgot to call me, all i could think was " forgot, or didnt want to"....He did want to get together tonight. Maybe this is all in my head and we are just both so busy lately.
but i keep thinking about how it used to be, when we werent so busy with other things and everything was so much easier...how could i have ever thought that things would get easier as we got older...
And i keep thinking/ wondering if he is ever gonna ask me to marry him, i mean its been almost 7 years now, three out of high school... i guess i'm wondering what it is that he knows that i havent figured out yet...cause thats how its alway been believe it or not. Micheal always seems to know things before me, like i was ready to jump into marriage right out of high school, btu he knew we werent ready, and i dont like the way he made me realize it but looking back he was right...but i'm almost done with college now, i'll be graduating in a year and a half most likely, so the tuition waver i get through my dad wont be an issue because i wont have my scholarship anymore and the waver ends when i get my bachlors cause its no good for masters degree classes. and i will have a beter paying job cause i can get paid to do my masters study... but honestly...i'm getting no vibe from Micheal that he wants to settle down...and the more i think about it the more frustrated i get, and scared knowing that i could love somone this much that i might be leaveing in the next two years...cause i'm begining to realize that marriage is important to me...I dotn just want to spend the rest of my life with someone no strings attached...is that so wrong?

So things look better at 7:30 in the morning

2005-11-14T14:05:00.000-07:00

So i was haveing a pretty crappy day yesterday adn topped it off with the migraine from hell.But this morning i woke up ready to start the long task of getting all my ids adn bankd stuff straightend out. but as i approached natural science somthing told me that i should take a look in the classroom and see if maybe my purse was still there. adn guess what? it was...
Someone had gone through it probably looking for money and everything was just crammed back into it but it was all there. Even my Visa, wich was stuck to the back of my school ID.i already went ahead adn had Visa cancel the card but oh well i needed a new one anyway.and maybe this time i will get a good pin number.

then i had to take my chem test today, the one that i studied for all weekend and that gave me the horrible headache....and i know that i got atleast one question right! which is like a first for me in that class...so far i have failed every test. My stomach hurts again though...i think that maybe i should go tot the doctor adn get checked out, cause i am starting to wonder if i could have a stress induced alcer....I would blame chemistry if i do. I keep telling everyone, everything bad in my life can be traced back to that class, it makes me too stressed out.
but all in all i am having an ok day, mainly because i dont havet o go to DMV and the chem test is over. Oh and just before my chem test i ran into this guy that i used to work with Eric...he had jsut gotten done with a physics test...turns out he is back working at the prospector. i remember this one time i hid under the stairs in the shoe department to scare him after closing and my friend Adrienne was upstairs pretending like she was talking to me, but i started laughing really hard thinking about how he was going to scream like a little girl and he ran right past me before i could yell BOO! then like two nights later i was running to the back of the store to check the last dressing room adn guess who jumped out of it and about made me pee my pants? yeah so it was good to see him just before my test, it helped calm me down i think cause then i was thinking about that and how funny it was.
oh and i applied for 5 different jobs, mostly research assistant stuff, hopefully i will hear back on one of them soon.

Maybe they are right....

2005-11-13T13:57:00.000-07:00

So i think that V and Ash are right. i read this stupid horescope the other day that said somthing about how micheal may ask me for a "greater commitment". Ashley adn V both kinda made fun of me for half way believeing it andthe more that i think about it and the way that micheal asks i think that they are right. Hes not gonna ask me, not now...it fact the way that he had been acting the last few days i think he might be thinking about the total opposite...We just dont ever see eachother anymore and even when i make time and try to get together with him he always seems to begoing up to his uncles or have plans already made....Micheal doesnt make plans in all the years i have known him. adn he last couple times that i called him to see if he wanted to get together he just says no and then when i inquire why like if he is going to his uncles or to mike nicholson's and he said no that he just didnt want to hang out with me he just felt like sitting at home doing nothing.
I just dont get it how things can turn around so fast...you would think i would be used to t by now...it seems like sense micheal and i have gotten out of high school its just one rock after another, but before we always made it through because we loved eachother, i guess i just dont know what to think or feel about all this and that way he has been acting.
and then friday i forgot my purse in chemistry and it someone didnt turn it in ( wich i doubt) i have to go and get a new polar express, Drivers license, bank card and checks. the worst part about it is that i have to pay to get a new licence made just to have to pay to have another one made in February when i turn 21. this wouldnt even be on y mind right now but when i call Ash yesterday to talk to her about it cause i was really upset that i had lost my purse and tha litterally my wholelife is in there. adn then while i was talking to her i realized the whole license thing wich just upset me even more and what does ashley do? she started laughing at me and saying how funny it was....she does stuff like that all the time but its really starting to bother me because she seems to think that its hillarious when i get screwed over...and we go to breakfast every friday right? well not this last time but the time before she had us splitthe bill 50 50 but then i realized that her meal had been like 7 bucks more than mine.... she tired to play it off like she didnt know but i'm starting to think that she thinksthat cuase i still live with my parents i have all this extra money lieing around....i make 100$ a week!!!! adn 50 or that goes to gas alone.
maybe i am mainly just irritated because of everything that had been gong on...so i am jumping to conlusions. I'm just so ready for this semester to be over...im ready to be out of school adn feel like i have something happening in my life...somethng more concrete. I'm tired of drifting,i want some stable ground

I keep waiting on You

2005-11-08T15:50:00.000-07:00

I keep waiting on everyone whose blog i frequent to write somthing new for me to read but no one has and then i realized...neither have I......Funny how that works huh?
well funny story...so Micheal called me the other day and told me what he was getting me for christmas...i guess he is sick of me always guessing and "ruining the suprise" so this year he just came out and asked me to choose between two things, headlight and tail light covers or a lift kit for my truck. i would prefer the lift but i'm worried it would be too expensive. hes looking at buying a house and he doesnt need to be waisting his money on material things for me.
And then my sisters Boyfriend sent her pictures of engagement rings....told her to tell him wich one she likes. SHEs only 16!!!!! but i'm not going to get into all that cause its probably nothing...shooot a year ago micheal brought me into a store to look at rings but nothing ever came of that no did it.
Oh adn i made myself dinner last night adn for the most part it was good. one part of the chicken was rock hard..not frozen but like petrified rock...wich i am contesting was not at all my fault...maybe the birds...or the people who packaged it.... but any way it was good adn i cooked it all by myself...best part: i wasnt sick this morning either...
well i guess that is all for now.

Dang Cold

2005-11-03T20:20:00.000-07:00

So i havent posted in a while cause i havent really had anything interesting to say or i was too tired from studying. I dont think i have had a good restful nights sleep in over two weeks now and there are no signs that i will be getting on any time soon. Adn today the thermostat in my English class was broken so it kept turning the AC on in the room....so needless to say it felt colder in there than it did outside and now my throat hurts.
Loose ends...
so the girl i worked with quit and apparently they hired someone new who is old enought to not only be MY mother but my Supervisors mother too, i'm gonna give her a chance but i think this may be wierd.Manly cause i have been there longer but she is older and i dont know but i think it will be weird
I HATE COLDS-just had to add that because i amd starting to realize that i really feel like shit, its hitting me really fast too i didnt feel sick untill i had been at work for an hour or so and then i felt light headed and my throat started hurting adn now my whole body aches adn i feel really really tired
so the real reason that i started writing again today....know what i'm gonna have to finish later...i need to go lay down...i think i am going to pass out

Correction to a previous post

2005-10-26T20:49:00.000-06:00

A reader brought to my attention that a comment i made on a previous post was not entirely acurrate and they were right....in the entry about my coworker i was very irritated that morning becuase i was already having a bad day (failed yet another chem Test) and she had been touching my stuff so i was venting. well in the last part of the post i said "maria cant stay mad at her" i ment Maria and Icant stay mad at her....cause even though she makes me mad and frustrates me she is very nice and it is really hard to be mad at her when she is standing right there being all sweet. this sweetness however is what makes me even more mad the next time she pisses me off cause i am also irritated that i hadnt stayed mad and gone with maria to talk to wanda.
but its all pretty much done cause she got a job in a lab...yes i am slightly green but i wouldnt have wanted to work in the lab she is going to be in anyway.

SERIOUSLY-----Close your Fucking mouth

2005-10-22T19:43:00.000-06:00

i'm sorry but i am up at the U right now trying to do my homework and there is this guy sitting behind me that is slapping his lips so lound that i can hear him over my music blaring on my head phones! like Seriously i have my music up so loud that if i turn it up one more notch it hurts my ears adn i can still hear him
I mean what is people problems? did his parents never teach him to chew with his mouth shut? Its fucking irritating.. i cant even work...i'm going to have to leave becuase other wise i think i am going to hurt him....AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHDDJKSfhasdkjhfskJDHFWuefUWEHJFSKDanBGFVHvjhcBSAHDFBsehkdfbjksdbvskhdfWKEBFKJsdvbsdfvWBSF WehfuW HEFJBSVHJBSDVFWhebfvh wefh sjvbksdhvbfs;UDF HW;fbvsdjkbvsdkahg f;
SDHKVAH BSDFG
THATS HOW HE MAKES ME FEEL RIGHT NOW! i think ever nerve in my body is irritated right now SHUT OUR MOUTH YOU NASTY PERSON!!!!!!!!!!
anyone who knows me knows this is like my number one pet peeve......ok i have to get the hell out of here i cant take it anymore he is going to drive me completely insane.....

Every cloud has a Snowy Lining:)

2005-10-18T16:10:00.000-06:00

So things are going... I'm not as frustrated with my work mate today, school is school (three test left this week), friends are friends and Micheal and i are hanging out tonight....i feel like i'm just floating down the stream right now....
There is some drama with school i guess. The U seems to think that my dad isnt/hasnt been a full time employee for the last 25 years and now they want me to pay back all the money from my tuition waver wich is over $1000.oo. But my mom said that i am not to worry about it and to just concentrate on school and that she will straighten it all out. i hope she does and doesnt just forget about it....
Jere and Courtnie are Expecting the baby sometime in June...so i will be an aunt, so far i think i am getting excited about this. I agree with my dad that they really shoudl have waited untill they had a house of their own and werent renting from courts parents but how can i not be excited about a baby? its such a miracle...a little life inside her tummy right now..about the size of a lima bean.... I find it weird though that it has also made me wonder about weather or not i ever want children.... i used to want them but lately i have been begining to look at the world differently and i really am beginig to wonder if i want to bring a child into this world. its so harsh. and i know that its not always and that there are plenty of reasons to have a baby but i keep thinking about just how lucky i am who i am, with the parents that i have and the things that i have adn what if i cant give my kid all the things that my parents were abl;e to give me? or if i turn out to be the shittiy parent ever? adn how do you protect them...you cant be there every second of everyday and there are so many things out there that werent there when i was a kid. i mean i had never really heard of Pot untill Junior high, never seen it untill i was in college. and i look at my baby sister and the things she does and is exposed to and frankly is scares the shit outa me.
and then all this thinking about babies makes me wonder if its really all that important cause i may never get married either. i mean Micheal and i have been together for 6.5 years and we dont even talk about the "M" word any more. we used to back before it was ever going to be a reality but then after we went through the hard year or so and came out on the otherside we havent really talked about it. I've brought it up but i dont see him asking.
and its not like i want to get married now...i'm thinking in like a couple years...when i get my bachlors but i am not at all opposed to engagement...
But then i wonder if i really want that or if i am just struggling to find some sort or stable ground in my life right now because i feel like i am just drifting......not really headed anywhere....

ARG!!!!! Seriously, dotn touch my stuff!!!!!

2005-10-17T15:07:00.000-06:00

I'm so irritated right now...i just got back to work and the new girl has messed with all my stuff...not just work related stuff but my personal/school stuff. I need to vent so i am going to make a list of ALL the things that my new coworker has done to piss me off sense she was hired....
1. Today: When i got back from class, My school cataloug was gone! it has everything for the next three years outlined in it.... I can see why maybe she would need to mess with work related things, like if Maria asked for something...but why the HELL did she take my catalouge? I mean what the HELL it has all my shit in it...well it did but she kindly put that in my box....
My boss said that she saw her with it but she didnt realize she was taking it...i dont care if she needs to borrow it but they have a whole stack of them next door that she can have...and to top it off i bet she marked all over it.....AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH this is worse than Leah stealling my clothes and giveing them back dirty!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
2. Clean work area:Everyday she comes in and throws her shit EVERYWHERE! I cant work in clutter. i know this may be a suprissing point to anyone who has seen my room but when i am working i like/need a clean environment to concentrate...i get closterphobic with shit all around me
3. Work Computer is for doing WORK!: ok i will be the first to admit that i check my email, blog and IM while i am at work but i also do my work....I only mess around when there is a lack of things to do or i really need to vent, and sometimes checking my email is work related. but it's highly irritateing when i have work to do that requires my computer and she is sitting there with a stack of work next to her at MY desk IMing, email or just surfing the net. And then i have to go down to the Directors office and start the computer down there surrounded by plants and misc stuff because they are remodleing down there and the desk has become the "Storage area" while they do so.
4.Credit Card stuff: If you dotn know what you are doing DONT mess with my system! all she does is fuck it up and then if i dont catch the mistake its my ass...so far i have been lucky.but she will "log" stuff half assed so when you go to look things up not all of it is there. i spend more time fixing it than i would have if i had just done it all in the first place.
5.If your asked to do it do it: she has had the same 4 thingsto do on her assignment board practically sents the day she was hired and the only time any of it really gets done is when i do it. I've trained her in differeent things over and over and yet she still claims ignorance and then my boss just makes me do it.
Misc things:shes always late, and never gets introuble for it (V always got bitched and told she would be fired)
She barely ever finishes a job she is given
she doesnt listen to intructions
she hogs my desk
messes up my work area
stresses out Maria
and to top it all off she is ALWAYS way too Fucking NICE....it makes me want to puke....because no matter how made me or maria get she is allways so oblivious and sweet that maria cant stay mad at her or complain to Wanda about her....
I MISS V....

Babe and Baby

2005-10-13T01:09:00.000-06:00

I hade to put this picture on here. This is Micheal and Bear. I thought all you that dont know him might wonder what he looks like so there he is...my Babe...

BEAR!!! Micheal's new puppy~Enjoy

2005-10-13T00:56:00.000-06:00

This is Bear...The newestaddition to the Osborn family....and a direct link to my family seeing he is my brother's "Baby's" pup. here he is at 8weeks and three days after Micheal got him.Look he already knows how to sit.....
And if you are wondering about his collar, yes that is a real bear claw. Micheal shot a black bear last season and made a necklace out of the claws, when he decided to name Bear he cut one of the claws off and put it on his collar...its his name tag.

And here is Scooter, Micheal's cat, hoding in the game room under a chair. He's not too happy about this latest addition but i think he will come around. Its just alittle bit of sibling rivalery

P.S. i Hate girls equally too

2005-10-02T17:15:00.000-06:00

I really really hate hanging out with, talking to and being around my friend and his girlfriend......SHE IS A BITCH ASS HOE! and you deserve more than a bed buddy....even after everything you said to me and how much it hurts i still think that you deserve more.....because part of me agrees with A and T that you were lying to me when you said it....
HEHEHEHE i know he will never read this....he doesnt even know that this blog exists. Plus he probably doesnt remember that night he sent me home crying, or what he said to make me cry and why i didnt talk to him for more than a month....shoot he was probably to busy with her to even realize that i wasnt talking to him.....

So angry!!!!

2005-10-02T17:11:00.000-06:00

I am so angry at him right now!!!! I want to go soen there and kick him square in the nut sack! He makes her cry and sad and there is nothing i can do about it.....Some girl answered his phone the otherday when she called and he played it off....
I want to protect her from the feeling that i know are coming....settinging in like a cold cold darkness....but she wont talk to me.
If she hurts i'll hurt him, that fucking Jack ass....why are guys such jerks sometimes! I've been through it and i still dont know why....

2005-09-23T14:39:00.000-06:00

So two things to talk about today: Leah and Micheal
I'll start with my baby sis....I'm really starting to get worried about her. She keeps getting quieter and quieter sents brandon left adn when she does talk she always seems mad or really sad. the other day i asked her if she was ok and she said "yeah i'm fine, just alittle depressed"
This worries me cause i have gone through depression before and i know how alone you can feel and the thoughts that go through your head and the problem is that no one can really bring you out of it but you. I want to do somthing for her but i dont know what. I want to make her happy, but short of making brandon come back to Alaska adn do his Junior and Senior years over again....i dont know what to do. I keep thinking back to when i was depressed and trying to remember what brought me out of it, or what set me spirling into it but all i remember is what kept me holding on.....Leah. the sound of her voice brought me back from the edge so many times...she saved me and i want to be there for her but at the same time i know i cant really because i cant feel it with her. If i could i would take it all away from her and carry it on my shoulders so she wouldnt have to....I would go through it all again to keep her from it but i cant....
Now that i've talked about what has been weighing on my mind maybe i should end on a better note and talk about what has been happening with me and micheal. Its a little bitter sweet.
I finally mustered up the courage to talk to him seriously about where we are headed. Mainly cause i have been thinking alot lately about where I am headed with school and i have some questions. although i think that i am going to go for my masters now here at UAF along with my bachlors and then get my phd and do research and teaching. i figure this may be the best way to combined the 2 fields that i am most interested in. although i am NOT completely out ruling Med school just yet. I like to think of it as giving myself alittle bit more time to make sure that i am doing what i really want to do.So....
I asked him "whats gonna happen if i go away to med school? are you gonna come with me?"
"No, my whole life is here....."
"So what then....we're gonna break up after being together for 9 years?"
"I hope not (he kinda laughed).....i would come see you, i just couldnt live there...."
"Oh..... so what about marriage?"
"I'm not gonna be married to someone who lives in another state...."
"oh...." i kinda understand why, i wouldnt want to be married to someone who didnt live with me either...let alone in another state
then we talked about how he wants me to do what ever is going to make me happiest, and that he supports what ever i choose. then we talked about the cabin that he is building next summer and i told him that i would move out with him if he wanted but he said no cause ever one of his guy friends who moved out with their GF ended up married or with a GF who turned into a controling bitch.....He was joking of course about not wanting me to move in...not so much abotu his guy freinds though....and i dont want to be like that, which i dont think i would. but it made me think, i should stick by my prior decision and not move in with him unless we are engaged...
his confidence in our relationship makes me feel so much better....liek if i were to go away to school there is no doubt in his mind that we wouldnt make it through being apart for so long...infact he seemed suprised that i was worried about it.... He completely put me at ease even though he was telling me somethings that i didnt want to hear. hes right though, we've already made it through so much, adn we are still inlove so that says alot...

Micheal is my rock

"Just Cause We Can"

2005-09-21T08:38:00.000-06:00

So i was thinking this morning while i was listening to the radio(Honey, for our date tonightI’ve got the perfect place to goI was thinkin’ ‘bout a candlelight seafood dinnerAt this little place on the Gulf of Mexico ) about all the airline specials going on right now for trips next summer.....wouldnt it be nice to go to Mexico? (Don’t look at me like I’m crazy darlin’Just hear me out‘Cause we can be there by tomorrowIf we pack up and hit the road right nowWe’ll spend the night in BirminghamAt your brother’s house on the way downThen we’ll find us a motel room with and ocean viewBoy, take my handLet’s get wild and freeWe sure could standA little just you and me Don’t need no reason other thanJust ‘cause we can ) Maybe for spring break....made me think about that Julie Roberts song....So i think i'm gonna run it by Micheal and see if he would like to get away too. Maybe i could buy the tickets and he could get the hotel room. oh here is the rest of the song too...

We’ll go for a day or two and just hang out on the beachIt might turn into a week or so, or who knowsHoney, we may never leaveI bet you could get a gig sellin’ hot dogs on the boardwalkAnd I could make a buck or two playin’ Buffett tunesBoy, take my handLet’s get wild and freeWe sure could standA little just you and meDon’t need no reason other thanJust ‘cause we canSo, baby, grab your flip flops, a little CoppertoneAnd a change of clothesThere ain’t no tellin’ where this might leadBoy take my handLet’s get wild and freeWe sure could standA little you and meDon’t need no reason other thanNo, we don’t need no reason other thanAh, just ‘cause we canJust ‘cause we canAh, just ‘cause we can

Here i go again....

2005-09-16T23:19:00.000-06:00

So here i am again....friday night and i am in the library studying...well i was but there are so many things, ok one in particular, that keeps running through my head and its makeing it really hard to concetrate. I love Micheal, so why cant things just work out? As time passes it seems like things just get more and more unsure. And why shouldnt they? I dont even know what i want right now...ok wait no i do....I WANT HIM TO ASK ME TO MARRY HIM.... its been over 6 years....why cant he be sure...after so long. i mean he was sure our sophmore and junior year.
i think what is bothering in me is that i just found out today that Brandon asked Leah to marry him..... she said he asked when he gave her the ring she wears and then he asked again in a letter that he just wrote her....
why does the idea of Leah getting married before me bother me so much? is it just that she is younger than me?or that her and brandon have only been together for a fraction of the time that i have been with micheal? Or the fact that they are still in that stage that micheal and i were in when he did ask me.
i wish that this was one of those things that i could sit down and think about untill i figured it out but i cant... and that frustrates me to no end. thats why i like school, because if i think about things long enough i get it but this, no matter how i role it around it still leaves me feeling the same way....Lost and deperately inlove with a man i still have yet to figure out

2005-09-16T13:42:00.000-06:00

I have had the worste stomach aches for the last two weeks, pretty much sents school started. i think that i am getting too stressed between work, school, relationship and trying to figure out a way to get more independence. this last point i am about to give up on because i see no real way for me to move out unless i were to get a different job and work my ass off wich would defete the purpose of releiveing my stress by moving out because i would just stress me out more.
I think my friend is pissed at me about this too because she wants to move out with me because she is paying too much for her apartment now. but i have already decided that i dont want to live with any of my friends because i know that that is a sure fire way to end the friendship.....mainly cause of how she ditched her last friend. that and she is a night owl and i'm a morning person so she would end up keeping me up at night and i would piss her off by waking up so early....
i wish it was just easy to find a perfect balance between school, work and my social life....hoestly the only person that i could see myself living with is micheal, but i dont think that that will be happening anytime soon

Opinion Poll

2005-09-15T14:03:00.000-06:00

Ok its not very often that i ask peoples opinions on things, anyone who knows me knows that i generally have a what is my business is my business and what is yours is yours. So take advantage....here is the question,
Is it ok for someone to give another person an ultimatum in a relationship? If so, what would be a good reason? Time together?Lack of commitment? children? paths in life?
I'm curious to see how others feel about this, as i am still undecided....

Maybe its just hunting....

2005-09-13T08:08:00.000-06:00

So maybe it is just hunting season that is making micheal and i seem so far apart. Last night i went to his house, completely prepaired fo him to be in a grumpy mood and to get upset and have to leave and go to V's pearl party and try to pretend like i was ok untill i could talk to her alone....I was so sure of things happending that way that i practically was going to leave before i even got there, but Micheal was actually happy to see me adn we cuddles all evening in his bed, joking around adn watching TV and exchanging kisses. I feel kinda dumb for being so upset but i just hate being away from him for long periods of time and my imagination gets away with me. I guess i am just used to seeing him everyday still like when we were in school together. But you are all my witness right here and now, i am going to try my hardest to not over react anymore like i did, when i want to spend more time with him or i am feeling like the distance between us is getting to big i will ask him to hang out.

2005-09-12T15:54:00.000-06:00

Well i tried to post this morning but apparently it didnt take. I'm sorry to anyone who will read my last post and be hurt that i didnt talk to them (ak: V and Ashley) I just feel like people get sick of hearing me when i am down.And i dont like people to give their opinions on my life and the best way to avoid this is to not talk to anyone about it, but it is good to write things down or think out loud so i used my blog. so forgive me if i hesitate on talking about it with you, however i will probably continue to contemplate thing here.
i keep thinking back and reading my first few blogs about micheal, i dont understand what is going on, but hopefully we will work on figuring it out tonight, because i talked to him earlier and he said that we would hang out to night and that he would call me when he got off work. well i have to go on the run today at work...yippie :( i hate the run.....its boring, i probably wouldnt mind it so much but i dont really feel like driving today.

I think im done....and there is no one here but me

2005-09-11T23:29:00.000-06:00

I feel like am mad at the world today...well no not the World, just everyone that is in love and happy.... I feel like Cupid played a cruel cruel joke on me and made me fall for someone that i could never end up with. I wish that i could blame it on hunting season but i cant ignore the fact that in my heart i feel like micheal is avoiding me....like he just got back from hunting, well he has been back intown for a few hours now, but did he call me? no....hes with his buddy mike, who he has been with all weekend watching a movie. and i know that it is stupid but i wish that i knew where mikes cabin was so i could go see if he is really watching a movie with mike or if he is watching a movie with some other girl..... i think its because if i knew that he was with someone esle the way that our relationship seems to be turning would be a little easier to bare.....not that i lost the love of my life just because i was boreing but becuase some other girl came and stole him away.....adn i know that that is a dumb reason and it wouldnt make things any easier, in fact it would probably make things hurt more but at least i would have an answer and wouldnt feel like i was alway the one trying.
part of me right now wants to call V or Ashley and have then hug me and tell me that its all gonna be ok and that i am just lonely cause its hunting season or even just have them be there for me but i cant seem to dial the phone, i just sit there staring at their numbers because they are part of the worl that i am angry at right now and no matter how happy i am for the two of them i cant help the fact that i am angry that i feel the way i do.How can it be that you can be so completely inlove with someone and have all the things inthe world trying to separate the two of you it seems sometimes adn i feel liek Micheal has just given up on us.....when i found out that he had been in town for the past few hours it hurt so bad becuase again he chose not to be around me....
I'm notwearing my ring either, cause lately i feel like a fool wearing it when i dont know where we're headed anymore and the fact that he doesnt wear his....that he doesnt want to wear one, at least that is how i felt when he said that he would wear a new one if I wanted him to.... I feel like i am loosing my rock right now...our relationship was the only thing that kept me saine most of the time, he was always there for me, my best friend and now hes not....andi have never felt so alone..... I think i'm gonna break it off with him because i think that it would be easier to just walk away while i'm ahead......but i dontwant to ....cause right now i dont feel like talking to anyone, espescially him....Im angry that he would let me keep loving him as much as i do if he is bored or tired of this.....cause its becoming obvious that he doesnt need me around....why he showed up in my room that night to beg me to come back, to swear to me that things would change i dont know...i dont understand how at times he can be so full of passion and love and then others act liek we arent even together.
i was just talking to Ashley last night about how i want to marry him and spend the rest of my life with him....but its not true.... i want to spend my life with the man he was before he started smoking pot again, the man who loved me, who could look at me and make me feel like the hottest woman on the planet, who i could say anything in front of, who would wipe away my tears and fears with a kiss, the man that was my best friend for 4 years......The man who put that ring on my finger as a promise......

time to sit a ponder

2005-09-09T15:32:00.000-06:00

The more and more i think about school and how much work i have to do before it is done and i begin to wonder if med school is really what i want. I'm not enough like my cousin Rebecca to be able to finish school in the amount of time that she did. she actually finished her bachlors in 4 years...i'm on the 6 year plan it seems. And i think that if i get called for the lab job in Dr happs lab i will have to decline it because the only time that i have time to dedicate to work is in the summer..... i'm just starting to wonder if all the choices that i am making are really what i want and if they will make me happy.....all i really know is that i like school more than work.....maybe that is it....teaching............but i know what everyone will accuse me off if i change my path, that i am doing this for Micheal..... I wish sometimes that my parents and family and even some of my friends could look past that for one, why would i have to do it for him....maybe loving him is what is best for me....maybe staying here would make me happier adn not because of him.....
Everyone just seems to assume, whenever i mention that i'm not sure if med school is really for me, that i say it becuase i am affraid of leaving him....thats not true and i feel sometimes like i am being forced in one direction because of all these accusations. Yes i love him dearly but i would not give up my dreams for him.

Begining to Wonder Why.....

2005-09-07T17:50:00.000-06:00

I suddenly just realized that the last time i saw Micheal was last thursday....Tomorrow morning that will be one week exactly..... I could blame it on the fact that school just started, or that its hunting season,or even that i have been sick and dont want to get him sick...but i know that those are all just excuses that i have made. I dont feel that normal feeling of wanting t go out of my way to see him lately, I'm tired....Thats the best way i cant explain it.
His additude the last few weeks, or rather the last year or so on and off again, where sometimes it seems like he cant get enough of me and then suddenly like he wants nothing to do with me, its made me tired. I'm sick of being the one to chase after him, to alway make the effort to go see him, to call everyday after i get off of work. And this is not to say that i Always do this, or that he never does but that i offten feel that i am the one who puts in the effort. And frankly sense he had lost his ring i have no desire to buy him a new one.... not that i dont love him but that everything seems to be catching up to us all at once now.
And now, sitting here at the end of a week long stint of not seeing him i suddenly realize why he doesnt say he misses me when we have been appart of a few days, or even when he was in the mountains hunting for a week with Mike Nicholson... he didnt say it because he didnt, and now i understand because not once over the last week have i truely missed him like i used to. To the point that the thought of driving to his house to see him when he got back seemed more of a bother and i breathed a sigh of releif when he realized i was sick and said he would prefer if i didnt risk him getting sick and that we should wait untill i was feeling better.
The worste part of it all is that even as i sit here relishing in these revalations in my brain i'm on the verge of tears because i do love him...with all my heart i love him....but i am tired. tired of giving 60% so he can give 40%. I'm tired of waiting to see what will happen with us. I'm tired of this town and all the memories it brings to mind, i'm tired of my house, tired of Alaska, i'm tired of being me......of being the one to forgive and love, to hold and console.....tired of being the adult to think of what might happen, of always looking out for everyone and everything and trying to chase these dreams that im not sure are mine anymore.....Yeah i said it, i dont know if what i am doing is really what I want, or if its just so many people have told me that i would be good at it and that i should so i have. The problem it that i dont know what else i would want.
I just keep puting on the smiley face each morning and get up, go to work, go to class, go back to work, go home, do homework and avoid the one person who made me feel alive at one point in my life......if people knew the thoughts that sometimes creep in behind these baby blue that are clouded gray i think that they be scared......and to tell the trueth some more i am.....I have never felt as lost as i do now, but i'm too tired to try to cling to anything or swim for shore.....
I just dont understand how all of a sudden i could feel this way towards micheal, i swore that i would not give up on him...but i think i might....that thought is what is making me feel numb inside....the idea that i could be giving up on him...and me......i think it has to do with the postsecret (if you dont know what this is go to www.postsecret.blogspot.com )i was going to send in the other day.... it made me realize that i had been lieing to everyone, even myself. but then i saw it in writing, i wrote it over and over again....."I THINK ABOUT WHAT IT WILL BE LIKE TO LEAVE YOU EVERYDAY BECAUSE I KNOW THAT YOU WONT STOP SMOKING POT..... i used to pray every night that God would help you realize what you could be loosing...let you see what i was seeing....but i dont go to chuch anymore. All i wanted was to save you....now all i need is you to save me....."
i read it over and over, rewrote it over and over and then i realized it over and over deep down i know that he will never quit......deep down i know that i will never be enough to replace that high for him....deep down i know that i will hold him in my heart forever but i dont know that i will miss him.....................................................................................

Questions

2005-09-02T15:59:00.000-06:00

Love shouldnt be hard.....Or are obsticals and hard times just part of the growing process? if so, then how do you know when its getting too hard? When it is best to just walk away, regardless of how you feel, or how much it will hurt to do so?

EMBARASSING STORY

2005-09-01T18:46:00.000-06:00

Ah the first day of classes is done! the bookstore is stupid and half my books arent there anymore and whe web order i placed is in Limbo somewhere....Good thing i blew off all my steam this morning working out so i'm not a pissed as i normally would be. I remember now why i like school so much, the time at work goes by so much faster....
Speaking of work i have gotten 2 requests to tell the story from the other day and no objections not to other than my own, mainly because everytime i think about it i turn red all over again.

So here is waht happend.....Coleman came up to the Business office to get petty cash. As i was filling out the form i started to write his name down, then stopped and realized that we had never been formally indtroduced and that i was just assuming he was Coleman. so i asked "Coleman, Right?" he said "yeah, how did you know?" now here comes the part where i should have thought before i spoke "Oh my friend met you and thought you were cute and then we had this running joke....she described you and i guessed...." He got this big grin on his face and was like "A joke?" suddenly i realized what i had said SHIT!" Umm yeah...it was nothing...." i began turning red, he leaned on the counter "commmonlets hear it...." he smiled.....i turned redder "We used to call you the perfect camping accesory....." my face was like a beat, i was suddenly very hot and knew i was sweating . he turned and walked into the hall laughing....oh GOD change the subject Rachel, change the freaking subject!.....i began asking him what he had bought so that i could write in the description on the form and "oh yeah coleman, what is your last name?"

He answered all the questions as if i had said nothing....Good your in the clear, hes forgetten all about it...... "Coleman, is that with one N or two?" "One....Like the camping gear....." i looked up and he had this huge grin on his face....OH SHIT, turning red again...OH NO and here are those stupid little girly laughs that you cant control....GET AHOLD OF YOURSELF GIRL MY GOD!!!!WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?....Please dont snort please dont snort......"I got camping alot" i looked up at him again and said "yeah me too, i have alot of Coleman camping gear too, a tent , a stove...well not a stove, my dad lost it on the river last year....." he just smiled "Well, about that petty cash, anyway i could get it today?" "I'll see what i can do...""ok see you later today, just call the shop if it is oked by then, i need beer money this weekend..." then he walked off down the hall and i fell under the desk completely mortified, and in my head...STUPID STUPID STUPID.....how could i say that to him? OMG

So now that it is obvious that i am a complete nerd we can move on.....But if anyone knows how i ended up with Micheal when i obviously cant be trusted to talk to cute boys on my own without makeing a complete ass of myself and making fun of them, please explain...or maybe i did make fun of Micheal and thats why he liked me....INTERESTING.....

VENTING......

2005-08-30T14:11:00.000-06:00

I'm starting to see why some people make entire blogs about the people who irritate them...... Sometimes you just need to vent right? and there is nothing wrong with that...So here i go, I'm venting about the most obnoxious people i know at the moment because if i dont i am going to explode from irritation....
He seems to think that he can call me "Darling" for one. I dont care if he is from the south where that might be common practice but the only person other than my father that can call me a pet name is Micheal. My parents named me and i am damn sure it doesnt say "Darling" on my birth certificate. Everytime he calls me that i cringe inside.....It makes me want to puke. I am not your Darling, your Honey or any other degrating sexist pet name! KISS MY ASS!!!
This same guys seems to think that because i am a girl i dont know anything about cars....I worked at a mechanic shop for a good part of my junior high and high school career....and my boyfriend is a mechanic, i think that it is fair to say that i know what i am talking about to some extent, at least more than some one who "knows about cars" simply becasue he is a man. FUCK YOU girls can do guys shit too and while i'm at it GUYS can do girls shit...its the 21st fucking century bud....
and then there is the certain family member who seems to think that it is ok to hit on me....He is married with 4 kids and everytime he looks at me i feel like he is picturing me naked.... it used to be funny cause he would tell that i was pretty but now it makes me uncomforatable becasue he will say things like " MY God Rachel, you are soo sexy...." and then look me up and down.... it really grosses me out and makes me uncomfortable....i dont like being home alone anymore for fear that he will come over adn i wont have an excuse to leave..... I think i will move out just to avoid him. now i know why my brothers wif e doesnt like him...i thought she was over exagerating....
well i feel better now....

Well i HAD stuff to do....

2005-08-26T17:27:00.000-06:00

So today was turning into a fairly productive day... untill i got too productive and finished all my work. Man, i;ve been saving up work to do all week so that i wouldnt get bored today and i went and finished it all early instead of rationing it.....
Oh well some exciting stuff just happend and now it is almost 4:30. Although i have just proven once again that i can put my foot in my mouth with in two words of a conversation....Dam boys from the shop. I swear my tounge has a mind of its own and it makes me look so stupid, i'm sure that guy thought i was metally handicapped or somthing..... and then i turned bright red, probably matched my shirt beautifuly.....GOD i am suck a nerd....
I dont know how i ever talked to Micheal with out looking like an idiot, oh yeah thats right Monica talked to him for me.... I can talk to any one on the phone but God Forbid they stand infront of me.....This will take a bit for a halfway normal color to return to my cheeks...if you are curious of what all happend and why i am feeling like such and idiot i'm taking a vote....all those in favor of me telling the story say EY all those opposed say NEH

:-D

2005-08-26T12:06:00.000-06:00

I had the best night ever with Micheal the other day. We havent gotten to spend alot of time together recently, or at least it seems that way. And although i am likeing this new found together but independent thing, i was begining to miss him. The night started out bad, he doesnt have a cell anymore sense some brat stole it so getting ahold of him is nearly impossible at times.He had told me that he would call me when he got off work...well 7:oo wa fast approaching and he hadnt called.So i took the initiative and called his house only to find that he had supposedly left at 6. So a little pissed and disappointed thinking that he had blown me off.
So i went to dinner with my parents and sister....at the end of dinner we got a phone call from my brother and his wife, one of the puppies had just died and they were on their way to our house to bury him in the "pet cemitery" out front. So i got home and helped Jere dig a hole and we burried the little thing, rightly named Tootles. He was so tiny, it doesnt seem fair sometimes. as we were getting ready to lay him in the whole a loud rumble came down the street. I turned around and there was Micheal, stepping out of his Monsterous toyota (i'll have to put a picture of this truck on here...it has a 12in lift on it and the frame sits 2 feet off the ground, the biggest little truck you;ll see that is still street legal)
Any way so i was still mad at him cause i figured he ditched me and then realized that i would be pissed and was coming to smooth it over and then leave again. So we burried Tootles and then Micheal and i walked over to his truck to talk without the whole family listening in. turns out he had been driving by my house for the last hour but no one was home. he had gotten off work and taken a shower (around the time that i had called) his mom told him that i had called and that she thought he had left, so he decided to suprise me and not call to tell me he was coming....unfortunatley by the time he got to the house i was gone. so he drove around for an hour untill finally i returned.....I really need to not jump to conclusions....when he says that he will be there he normally is..unless he is stuck while out mudding..
So we rented a movie.....it was great cause we just layed there and cuddled the whole time...and he kept kissing my neck, which absolutely drives me crazy! and everytime i would turn over to see if he was really watching the movie he would kiss my forehead. I fell asleep wrapped up in his arms untill almost 1am when i woke up and realized that the movie had ended.i reached over and turned it off, but the movement must have woken him cause he got up, kissed me and then grabbed his coat and went home. i felt kinda bad cause he had to be at work the next morning, well so did i but i was in such a good mood the next morning that any lack of sleep didnt phase me. I guess it was just nice to know that we still have it after all these years....i love how we dont even have to talk...we can just lay there and be happy......makes all the things that seem to go wrong or all the things that we need to deal with everyday seem less important....we;ll be fine, no matter where we end up, because we will always have moments like that....

"The Hardest Thing"-Rachel

2005-08-25T00:47:00.000-06:00

I'm not sure if any of you like poetry, but i feel like some of the best emotions can be captured in a poem....something about the rythm...so here is a poem that i wrote a while back, that everytime i read it i realize how well it expresses what i'm feeling, even more than a year later....its a look at some of my fears....

The hardest thing I’ll ever do
Is walk away, pretend I don’t love you.
To try and place
Fake smiles on my face

The hardest thing I’ll ever do
Is go through life without you.
To wish and wonder every night
If you miss me, you just might

The hardest thing I’ll ever do
Is fool my heart to not want you.
To make it think
Love doesn’t stink

The hardest thing I’ll ever do
Is heal this pain brought on by you.
To try and make it,
Each morning wake to face it

The hardest thing I’ll ever do
Is train my arms to not hold you.
To close my eyes
And not want to cry.

The hardest thing I’ll ever do
Is all because I can’t not love you.

Let me know if you guys would like to read more of my poems....i have a bunch, from different times in my life.I like them but i dont know if any one else loves poetry like me...or if they are even any good.

I LOVE THIS MAN

2005-08-22T11:19:00.000-06:00

How can you love this much? to the point that pain doesnt matter....where the idea that its all for nothing doesnt fase you because you have the here and now.... where you know you'll hate one another, both end up feeling abandoned but yet you hang on because of that little shred of hope that it will be ok. I LOVE THIS MAN!!!!! no matter what it brings, no matter if i have to cry at night alone becuase i know we may not make it... I love him just the same....And i know that i will always love him, and if he allows me to choose him over a carreer i would, i would give up med school and far away lands if he asked me....i would give up everything.... And that is a scary thought, to know that i can feel this way, that i can love so much that it would take just one choice of him to make me change my entire life..... if he quit tomorrow for good and asked me to spend the rest of my life with him i would.... i realized this weekend that the only reason that i want to get away from here is because its the only excuse i have to leave him for what he is doing..... because its not that it hurts me directly...its watching him hurt himself that kills me. because i love him.

2005-08-19T15:24:00.000-06:00

I close my eyes and ask you why
with tears of pain and pride
i put on my face
to leave this place

i watch the world go by

I see you there and ask God please
with broken heart i hit my knees
I face the world with frozen smile
to think of you a moments while

I watch the world go by

I breathe so deep and feel the burn
with each day and each turn
I curse you underneath my breath
to stop the beating in my chest

I watch the world go by

I lay wake and never sleep
with you my heart does keep
I begged you please
to stop...to love me

so i sit, i watch the world go by

i wait and watch

2005-08-19T10:44:00.000-06:00

Well V, Aleena and Felicia are offically moved in to their new place. They havent really unpacked everything yet but all their stuff is there ( in the living room). I stopped by yesterday, it is a really nice apartment. I wish i could afford a place like that....well really i wish i could afford anything....
I didnt have a very good day yesterday. work was long, i didnt feel good, and Micheal and i had alittle spat. I did get to go see my brother's beloved Jezabelle's puppies though....she had 10 all together, the biggest one named Coco Bean is a beautiful Chocolate lab, then there are two yellow labs, one white lab, and the rest are black like Jezabelle and Duke. They are so cute :) but what puppy isnt?their eyes should open in the next couple weeks, and in a few months they will be going to new homes. I think my brothers wife Courtnie wants to keep Coco Bean though, he is her favorite. He is cute but he is going to be huge like his dad, maybe even bigger. Hes already dam near twice the size of the others in the litter. I like the Runt, she is this little black lab that looks like Jezabelle, I told my brother he should name her Chance, but now that i think about it i dont think the name really fits her. I think it will be easier to name them once they get bigger and have a little more personality.
So i guess i should stop avoiding the subject.... I talked to Micheal yesterday and questioned him again about his ring. He told me that he lost it, but the way he said it....it bothers me. Cause when i asked him if he would like me to buy him a new one he was like "i really dont care, if you want to go ahead" i was like well do you want one or not? then he said somthing about me being whiny and paraniod....I just got off the phone, Its like he doesnt even understand why i was upset that he didnt tell me that he had lost it. and the more he hangs out with that Jack Ass he calls a friend the worst he gets... I like all of Micheals other friends, but this guy...there is no way that i can liek him, he is such and ass to me, he even threatened to hit me once, and he got Micheal to Dump me once after High School....And every time that Micheal tries to quit smoking its this guy that convinces him that he shouldnt....And i know micheal is a big boy and can make his own choices but it doesnt help to have a friend pressuring you to do somthing wheh you are trying to quit.
Hes just been acting like a jerk again lately, he does this everytime he hangs out with this guy, everytime he starts smoking again...i've only seen him once this week by his choosing. i dropped by his work yesterday, and left cause it was obvious he didnt want me there. and we're not going to Valdeze now. I dotn want to say this, i dont even want to think it...but its getting there....I dont think i can do this....I dont think that i can keep waiting for somthing that isnt gonna happen because its getting too far gone to save....I cant keep loving on a rollercoaster....I NEED to be sure about something again.....I NEED to know that this is going somewhere, anywhere.....i NEED to know that i'm not an idiot, or that i am, for loving him.....I'm sick of not having a plan, or waiting to see what is going to happen...i'm getting sick of waiting for him....for him to GROW UP!!!!!!!!

Somthing Just Doesnt Feel Right

2005-08-18T10:57:00.000-06:00

Something isnt right... Micheal has been acting weird this week and its starting to bother me. He just seems really distant. And the other day when i saw him he wasnt wearing his ring anymore...i questioned him about it but he just kind shrugged his shoulders and said that he must have taken it off for a shower....but then he got up to go to the bathroom he didnt put it on... i asked him if it bothered him, he was like "if what bothers me?" i was like " your ring..." he just kinda said no and then went back to watching TV...
But i'm almost positive that he hasnt worn it all week, i kept thinking about it last night cause i couldnt sleep, and it seemed like he was trying to hide his hand fron me...like always sitting with it away from me. I'm gonna stop by the shop today after i pick up my MRI results from the hospital....i dont know what i'm gonna do if he still isnt wearing it...
I know some people might be like, it;s just a ring its not like you are married....but its more than that. the rings we wear are physical promises we have made to eachother, promises that tell us and everyone else that we are in love and plan to be in this for the long haul. By taking off the ring (either one of us) its says "im not sure that i want to be with you...." without even having to say anything.
they are promise rings and they symbolize promises that only micheal and i understand. the last time that either of us took our rings off for this long was when we broke up in december.... adn i took it off because i was done, and when i took it off i really had no intention of ever putting it back on....over the past few years the rings have come to symbolize much more than they originally had....when i first put this ring on it was just a piece of jewlery, now everytime i look at it reminds me how much i love the man who gave it to me...it hold just as much if not more meaning than a wedding band because it reminds us of not only the promises we have made to one another, but the good times adn hard times that got us here....its hard to explain....shortly adn plainly the represent our love....
so maybe you can understand why it is bothering me that he has taken if off for so long...not just a "i was taking a shower and forgot to put it back on..." not even an " i lost it" or "my brother flushed it down the toilet" (which really happend once). if hes still not wearing it tonight when i go over there i guess it answers everything in a way though....i pray to God he is wearing it...i Pray that this is just my pariniod side...but something just doesnt seem right

Update on V

2005-08-18T10:23:00.000-06:00

V was doing much better yesterday...she was remembering thing fairly clearly although the days seemed kinda jumbled and monday and tuesday are still really blurry for her. I'm so happy, i was so worried about her....she scared me that day...and i felt helpless cause i couldnt help her.
She called cause she felt bad about not being able to go to my MRI with me cause she knew that i was nervous...but i made it through and didnt freak out too bad. I understand that she felt bad about not going but i was running late anyway and i really dont think that they would have let her come back there with me.... she was too loopy still. and they lied, i wouldnt have been able to hear her talking to me, i have ear plugs in and the machine is really noisey....and i dont think that she could have held onto my leg of anything cause even though they were only scanning my head and back i think i was completely inside that machine.
She spent her first night in her apartment last night, i think she was excited about it. and i guess today she is moving out of the dorms completely..and as a side note i am kinda worried that after her and Ron arent living together i might not get my bike back... cause i dont really have a way to get ahold of Ron other than through V adn Ron is moving too so its not like her phone number is gonna stay the same. when i lent her my bike i was under the impression that she was only gonna borrow it for a couple weeks untill she got paid. Now i am kinda thinking that i might not get it back....wich is gonna get me introuble with my dad cause he didnt really want me to led it to her at all cause he had paid for it, i think kinda to make up for me not getting anything for my B-day.... so he feels like i just gave away my birthday present.
V, if you are reading this i have been trying to ask you about getting my bike back for a few weeks so you cant be mad at me.... i've sent you texts and have tried to talk to you about it but then get side tracked so dont feel like i am writing this behind your back...in fact i sent you a text just today.
I like Ron, but i do want my bike back before school starts/ you guys dotn live in that room anymore.
well i guess that is all for now...i have noticed that my blog has gotten very boring lately. i was all creative at first and now i am just like, this this and this happend...BLAH BLAH BLAH my boring life.... well the car accident made it alittle more exciting but not in a good way.... Fuck i just changed my time sheet for work and now i think i should change it again and just go home...i do need to pack for Valdeez this weekend and get my fishing license..but i dont even know if we are really going yet...cause micheal is dragging his feet. Maybe today it just one of those restless days where i want to be out doing anything else but work...

"Living is a constant process of deciding what we are going to do." - Jose Ortega Y Gasset

Almost out of the Woods....

2005-08-17T14:41:00.000-06:00

I just got off the phone with V...she really seems to be doing alot better today. She can remember almost everything uptill monday fairly clearly. She still is alittle confused about wich day what happend but she remembers alot more.....I'm sooooo happy she is gonna be ok:) and she said that the letter helped...i was worried that it might upset her agian like it had done yesterday...i hurt so bad to see her cry...she read it adn then read it again and again adn then finaly when she got to the part where i wrote somthing about "if your collar bone hurts and you dotn know why read this...) she started the letter again... reading each part with the same reaction she had had before...then she got to the part about her not remembering anything for more than 5 mins...she looked me square in the eye and asked "rachel, how many times have i read this letter?" "About 5 V...." then she started crying and calling herself ten second tom...i tried to make her laugh and said "no V your more like Five min fred..." so she started calling herself ten second fred...getting the two names confused.....she kept crying and i felt so bad cause i wanted to make it better but i knew i couldnt...then i realized that she had been calling herself the same nickname and crying about the same thing for over ten min....which was good cause she hadnt forgotten why she was crying.....or the nick name...although i hope she does forget that cause its a mean nick name...and V if you are reading this i'm sorry i joked about it..i just wanted you to laugh.....
but again she is doing much much better today.....

not sure what to do, not sure what to say...Grandma said to Pray

2005-08-17T13:41:00.000-06:00

Yesterday was turning out to be a pretty normal day. but then i was on the run for work when i had this urge to call V....She answered the phone in histeria, crying and saying she loved me over and over...all i got out of her was something about an accident and 26 and Rickert.....
I dont really remember driving back up to work, i just remember runnning through the halls and telling Maria i had to go that something had happend to V.....
I must have drove all over town for an hour it seemed looking for her cause she wasnt at 26th and rickert....i founder her at the clinic....completely out of it, why they didnt bring her to the ER i dont know...i'm soooo very mad about that...fucking idiots!
her roommate Ron had been in the car with her...she said they were driving along and some guy ran a stop sign and T-Boned them on the drivers side. V hit her head really hard.
i spent 6 hours with her yeasterday, trying to get her to remember stuff....she kept asking the same questions over and over.... i went with her to get her x-rays and sat with her in the exam room while her dad and Ron waited in the waiting room....Her dad was going through her cell and calling everyone thats why he let me go back with her ....
after we got her X-rays they sent us across town to the hospital to have a CT scan done of her brain...she road with her dad...and i drove Ron back to the dorms...when i left the dorms and was on my way to the hospital suddenly everything started sinking in...i had a mini break down, called ashley and left a horrible message on her phone, she said she thought somthing had happend to me at first but then made out that it was V and rushed to the hospital. my mom met me there too and we waited with V and her dad.Abe and sarah were there, well sarah works in the X-ray department and abe works next to the hospital.... after her CT we drove back to the clinic where the doctors determined that the scan was normal....so the amnesia should pass in the next few days. i had called Aleena again when i was waiting at the clinic cause Vs dad had called her around 4:30 or 5:00 when he had first brought V into the clinic to be seen.we left the clinic around 8 and headed back to V's dads new place....which was really confusing for her
she doesnt remember that she just got an apartment with Aleena and Felicia, or that her dad moved, or that her friend Travis went to war monday....All things that i have gone over and over with her.She seemed to think that it was funny wich made it easier, that and she was being really silly.... we got her to eat alittle dinner and then we went into the room that she will be staying in at her dads cause she wanted to "figure out her love life", a conversation that we had been having in circular motion for about an hour..... she sat down and began making one list after another....after about 5min she would forget what the list was for and start over, making the same list and asking me the same questions....suddenly she noticed the other lists and was like "Rachel, who wrote these?" i was like "You V..." "NO WAY!!!!" then she would start reading them " Travis is at War? that sucks!" it was really hard... then Aleena finally showed at like 9:15 ................and we all sat with V untill her dad had us leave around 10:00 or so so she could rest. she started crying when we left cause she realized that she couldnt remeber anything for more than 5 mins.....i left her a letter explaining everything , i really hope it helps....
i couldnt sleep last night.... i cried almost all night and kept praying to God that she will be ok...

REcap

2005-08-12T12:40:00.000-06:00

Ah... yet another slow friday at work. Other than a minor computer problem today seems to be going fairly well. And i'm going to get a lunch today wich is cool, although i still have not decided where i am going, oh wait i just did Subway.
I went to the fair with V last night! I had a blast, i miss hanging out with her everyday. But she is definately happier working at the coffee house.
And Ashley came back from germany yesterday! So i am very happy, i have my two bestest friends in town. She is awsome too, she brought me back a bunch of beer caps from germany, ones that i would never be able to get here :) and a small bottle of something....its in german so i dont know what it is.
now on a little more serious note: i have to go in on the 17th for an MRI scan of my neck and shoulder. The doctor thinks that i might have a hurniated disc in my back and it could be causeing nerve damage, hence the reason why it has been 8 months sense my accident and i till have numbness in my arm. right now i am more nervous about being put into a small tube for 30min to an hour than i am of what that could mean.... i'm trying not to think about it, cause i dont want to worry if it is nothing. Ashley said that is the best way to think about it. My mom on the other hand started telling me ALL about what would happend if it did turn out to be a herniated disc and this surgery that i would most likely need on my spine.....sometimes haveing a mom that knows all about this kinda stuff isnt cool. she had me freaked out for a day and i dont even know what is wrong yet....i love her to death but i wish that i wasnt such a worry wart like her.
ooo 20mins till lunch! I havent had a normal lunch sents i started working here. Oh and speaking of jobs i still have no word on that other job i applied for....i'm starting to think that i'm not gonna get it...but oh well another opertunity will come by right?