Wednesday, June 29, 2005

I Can See my truck from here...

Well here i am again sitting at work looking out the window at my truck in the parking lot. well i'm not staring at my truck, but i can see it from here. so i fthe jack ass that hit it with a 2X4 comes by again i'll see him.
V isn't here today and i have the feeling that i've been forgotten. Cause i did all my work adn nothing new is coming into my box....again i really dont think that i'm cut out for office work. i thought about being a life guard but that is alot of sitting around. i want to do somthing where i can be up and doing diffrent things all the time, maybe outside. like a group leader at camp habitat but maybe minus the children. LOL No i dont hate kids....ok just a little but i think that is more that i dont want any right now and inevidably one calls me mom at least once a month....last one was at sean and alexis' wedding.
this blogg probably wont be to intressting because you know what they say
Bored People Are Very Boring.
i almost asked micheal The Question last night while we were watching a movie. but then at the last minute i chickend out cause if i dont hear what i want to hear i dont know what i would do... i love him sooo much. But i keep struggling with the question of wheather or not we're gonna stay together. you would think that if two people love eachother that they could be together but its so dam complicated! who the Hell decided to make love so complicated? Sometimes i think that we shoudl just break up and save ourselves from getting even more attached and then having to say good bye when i graduate (if he doesnt want to come with me an di decide to leave) but then the other part of me says that i should milk as much happyness and love out of what we have and deal with whatever comes as it comes.
i've never had a hard time talking to him about stuff untill now. well sense the summer after highschool when we had the summer of Hell and the possibility of spending the rest of our lives together became a possibility. i know that there are other men out there... and falling in love is alot of fun but being in love, thats somthing completely different, it takes time and patients and somthing else that i dont have a name for. there just seem to be too many variables at times to know if we are going to stay together yet when i'm with him...none of it seems to matter. everything seems better when he is around, and i trust him more than anyone now, although just a few months ago i dont think either of us had fully regained our trust. but now that i'm truly past what happend two summers ago, the thought of living my life without him hurts. the idea that we could both marry and run into one another years from now.... it would be so weird. i had this dream the other night. it was years from now. and i was back intown again after graduating from college. and not two days back and my car broke down, where else but on Van Horn and who happend to be driving by? Tay Tay, little tay tay. he picked me up an dgave me a lift to the shop. " Hey Mike! Look What i picked up!" he shoutted as i walked throught door behind him. From the back Micheal walked through the door, wearing his Blue Coveralls. our eyes locked and my heart stopped right then and i forgot to breathe. there he was the love of my life, older looking more like his dad but the same amazing baby blues then the light glints off the shiny metal band on his finger, blinding me for a second and bringing me back into reality where the weight of my wedding promise seems too heavy to hold as i twist the ring around and around on my finger. He smiles as he approaches, that cute little grin, "Rachel......" he reaches out and for a moment i'm lost once again in his warm embrace, feeling like a young girl again and protected from all the worlds uncertainty. then out of no where..." Babe, Whose this?" Her voice is soft and sweet. there on the other side of the counter, 8months along my relpacement. " this is Rachel, my friend from high school..." DEMOTION!!! my heart sinks, i'm a friend, i smile at her as sweetly as i can and fight the feeling in my stomach." heard your name changed?" i glance back at him and blush. his wife turns back around and begins filing again. Suddenly i realize the warm and callused hand on mine, i look down too see if its my imagination, no there it is, his hand on mine. i turn to him and he smiles....his eyes slightly glazed and i realize that he too it fighting back the erge.... a gentle squeeze and i know our thoughts intertwine...." I should really go" i hear my own voice say again and in my head i scream NO!!!!! you IDIOT. but reason tells me i must get back to no and stop walking in the past no matter how enjoyable.... he releses my hand " ok", he glances twards his wife, then back at me I LOVE YOU is mouthed by his lips and i reciprocate with all my heart and close the door behind me.............


At 5:19 PM, Blogger Evelyna said...

Wow, thats some powerfull stuff! Was this all really a dream cause it sounds more like a good story. I believe you though, that it was a dream, just it seems really vivid. How did you handle that? I wish I could have been at work today to talk to you about it. Sorry. :( I think you will figure out this thing from Michael. Although I think the dream was very serious, at the same time, I can't see you marrying someone you had "luke-warm" feelings for. I think that your big questions of if you'd rather "squeeze out as much happiness" or "let go now" is something you really need to answer, and once you answer that, just live with it. I think that worrying about the answer to a question is often harder than the actual answer to the question. :D


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