Monday, July 18, 2005

So Much Time 2 Think and Still No Answers

I have had all this time to think lately, with nothing to do at work and camping on the weekends. But it seems no matter how long or how much i think i still cant seem to make up my mind or figure things out. I know alot of people areound me have opinions that they will share about my life and my decisions, or lack there of.
Sometimes i wonder why makeing choices seems so hard when your the one making them and so easy when your the one just telling someone what to choose.
It all boils down to the fact that love and life are complicated tangled webs that we weave.
I have so many things that are running through my head right now, none of wich i want to talk to anyone else about, but all of which require that action inorder to have them resolved.
I just wish that i could keep my life just that, mine. i wish that my private questions could be answered privatly, without haveing to involve anyone else.Or at least that people wouldnt ask so many questions on my life and pass judgement without knowing the way i feel. who can understand why i choose the things i do if they dont understand or feel the feelings that make me come to that choice?
and then to even doubt myself, the way i feel and if its right.to wonder if others are deciving me, and making the way i feel foolish. Is it right to give them the benefit of the doubt if it makes me feel better? and is it right to be with someone for the pure pleasure you get from knowing that you love them, regardless of weather that feeling is really reciprocated to the full extent that yours are. not to say that i doubt that micheal loves me, but that i wonder if he truely loves me the way that i love him.
i know alot of people think that i'm crazy or stupid for feeling this, but i would marry him if he asked, despite everything, because when i'm with him i forget it all. this probably isnt a good thing, to forget your inhabitions with a touch. and my better judgement advises me not too, but i've never been one to ignore my heart because my head told me too. So for all you have their opinion on my life, i am once again ignoring you...forgive me. One day maybe Micheal will prove me wrong and i will realize that you were all right but on the chance that he will prove you wrong i'm hanging on....
See all that thinking and still.... i have no real answer to all the questions in my head. only the way i feel on one subject at this moment in time...and there are so many factors and questions that still weigh heavy that i dicuss within myself that i may change my own mind. so for now, there are many things bothering me and none of which i want to talk about

3 Comments:

At 4:59 PM, Blogger Evelyna said...

I'm not mad, but kind of hurt, although you did say that it was kinda venting at EVERYONE, but I feel that i'm included in that everyone and it hurt a little. I never gave you any opinion or advice that you didn't ask for, and I would never judge you for the decision you make. I thought you knew that. The only time I said anything about not being able to support your decision is if you couldn't trust him, and if you don't trust him and stay with him, I would just keep my mouth shut about it. ANYTHING else I will support and encourage, because I understand that when you are in love you don't think with your head. I love you and I hope whatever decision you do make, or have made, makes you happy, because you know your happiness is all I care about

 
At 5:31 PM, Blogger Evelyna said...

I take back my comment. You have explained and now I feel all warm and fuzzy... hmm... maybe you are a cult leader. ACK! just kidding. Love you much, and don't delete this post!

 
At 3:21 PM, Blogger Evelyna said...

I thought you said your goal the other day was to blog. Wait, maybe that was the day you wrote this. LOL!

 

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