Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Begining to Wonder Why.....

I suddenly just realized that the last time i saw Micheal was last thursday....Tomorrow morning that will be one week exactly..... I could blame it on the fact that school just started, or that its hunting season,or even that i have been sick and dont want to get him sick...but i know that those are all just excuses that i have made. I dont feel that normal feeling of wanting t go out of my way to see him lately, I'm tired....Thats the best way i cant explain it.
His additude the last few weeks, or rather the last year or so on and off again, where sometimes it seems like he cant get enough of me and then suddenly like he wants nothing to do with me, its made me tired. I'm sick of being the one to chase after him, to alway make the effort to go see him, to call everyday after i get off of work. And this is not to say that i Always do this, or that he never does but that i offten feel that i am the one who puts in the effort. And frankly sense he had lost his ring i have no desire to buy him a new one.... not that i dont love him but that everything seems to be catching up to us all at once now.
And now, sitting here at the end of a week long stint of not seeing him i suddenly realize why he doesnt say he misses me when we have been appart of a few days, or even when he was in the mountains hunting for a week with Mike Nicholson... he didnt say it because he didnt, and now i understand because not once over the last week have i truely missed him like i used to. To the point that the thought of driving to his house to see him when he got back seemed more of a bother and i breathed a sigh of releif when he realized i was sick and said he would prefer if i didnt risk him getting sick and that we should wait untill i was feeling better.
The worste part of it all is that even as i sit here relishing in these revalations in my brain i'm on the verge of tears because i do love him...with all my heart i love him....but i am tired. tired of giving 60% so he can give 40%. I'm tired of waiting to see what will happen with us. I'm tired of this town and all the memories it brings to mind, i'm tired of my house, tired of Alaska, i'm tired of being me......of being the one to forgive and love, to hold and console.....tired of being the adult to think of what might happen, of always looking out for everyone and everything and trying to chase these dreams that im not sure are mine anymore.....Yeah i said it, i dont know if what i am doing is really what I want, or if its just so many people have told me that i would be good at it and that i should so i have. The problem it that i dont know what else i would want.
I just keep puting on the smiley face each morning and get up, go to work, go to class, go back to work, go home, do homework and avoid the one person who made me feel alive at one point in my life......if people knew the thoughts that sometimes creep in behind these baby blue that are clouded gray i think that they be scared......and to tell the trueth some more i am.....I have never felt as lost as i do now, but i'm too tired to try to cling to anything or swim for shore.....
I just dont understand how all of a sudden i could feel this way towards micheal, i swore that i would not give up on him...but i think i might....that thought is what is making me feel numb inside....the idea that i could be giving up on him...and me......i think it has to do with the postsecret (if you dont know what this is go to )i was going to send in the other day.... it made me realize that i had been lieing to everyone, even myself. but then i saw it in writing, i wrote it over and over again....."I THINK ABOUT WHAT IT WILL BE LIKE TO LEAVE YOU EVERYDAY BECAUSE I KNOW THAT YOU WONT STOP SMOKING POT..... i used to pray every night that God would help you realize what you could be loosing...let you see what i was seeing....but i dont go to chuch anymore. All i wanted was to save all i need is you to save me....."
i read it over and over, rewrote it over and over and then i realized it over and over deep down i know that he will never quit......deep down i know that i will never be enough to replace that high for him....deep down i know that i will hold him in my heart forever but i dont know that i will miss him.....................................................................................


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