Sunday, September 11, 2005

I think im done....and there is no one here but me

I feel like am mad at the world today...well no not the World, just everyone that is in love and happy.... I feel like Cupid played a cruel cruel joke on me and made me fall for someone that i could never end up with. I wish that i could blame it on hunting season but i cant ignore the fact that in my heart i feel like micheal is avoiding he just got back from hunting, well he has been back intown for a few hours now, but did he call me? no....hes with his buddy mike, who he has been with all weekend watching a movie. and i know that it is stupid but i wish that i knew where mikes cabin was so i could go see if he is really watching a movie with mike or if he is watching a movie with some other girl..... i think its because if i knew that he was with someone esle the way that our relationship seems to be turning would be a little easier to bare.....not that i lost the love of my life just because i was boreing but becuase some other girl came and stole him away.....adn i know that that is a dumb reason and it wouldnt make things any easier, in fact it would probably make things hurt more but at least i would have an answer and wouldnt feel like i was alway the one trying.
part of me right now wants to call V or Ashley and have then hug me and tell me that its all gonna be ok and that i am just lonely cause its hunting season or even just have them be there for me but i cant seem to dial the phone, i just sit there staring at their numbers because they are part of the worl that i am angry at right now and no matter how happy i am for the two of them i cant help the fact that i am angry that i feel the way i do.How can it be that you can be so completely inlove with someone and have all the things inthe world trying to separate the two of you it seems sometimes adn i feel liek Micheal has just given up on us.....when i found out that he had been in town for the past few hours it hurt so bad becuase again he chose not to be around me....
I'm notwearing my ring either, cause lately i feel like a fool wearing it when i dont know where we're headed anymore and the fact that he doesnt wear his....that he doesnt want to wear one, at least that is how i felt when he said that he would wear a new one if I wanted him to.... I feel like i am loosing my rock right now...our relationship was the only thing that kept me saine most of the time, he was always there for me, my best friend and now hes not....andi have never felt so alone..... I think i'm gonna break it off with him because i think that it would be easier to just walk away while i'm ahead......but i dontwant to ....cause right now i dont feel like talking to anyone, espescially him....Im angry that he would let me keep loving him as much as i do if he is bored or tired of this.....cause its becoming obvious that he doesnt need me around....why he showed up in my room that night to beg me to come back, to swear to me that things would change i dont know...i dont understand how at times he can be so full of passion and love and then others act liek we arent even together.
i was just talking to Ashley last night about how i want to marry him and spend the rest of my life with him....but its not true.... i want to spend my life with the man he was before he started smoking pot again, the man who loved me, who could look at me and make me feel like the hottest woman on the planet, who i could say anything in front of, who would wipe away my tears and fears with a kiss, the man that was my best friend for 4 years......The man who put that ring on my finger as a promise......


Post a Comment

<< Home