And Another One Bites The Dust....
Well its offical, another one of my old buddies just got engaged and soon he will be hitched. He told me today, and i'm standing there looking at him adn i know that i shoudl say somthing like " congradulations" or "I'm so happy for you." but all that was going throw my head was "OH MY GOD.... your like 3 years younger than me!" all i could see was him as a little kid at the park while we played on the merry-go-round....What is wrong with me, am i like some abnormal girl because i dont want to be getting married anytime soon? I mean I'm only 20.... that doesnt seem that old to me most of the time ( untill i talk to my cousins) but i know someday i WANT to be married, and i know someday i would like to be engaged, and someday i would even maybe entertain the idea of kids ( not really sure where i stand just yet on those). But when will i know that i'm ready?
better question....how will i know that that "someone" down on one knee is the one? I love micheal, i;ve been with him for 6 years and counting but to tell the trueth....i'm not sure that we will end up together, and that is a really hard thing to admit. shit its a really hard thing to think about every time that i hear another one of my friends is engaged, or when i get invited to yet another wedding. Everyone figured that micheal and i would be the first of our friends to take the plunge....so what happend?
I;m not opposed to the idea of marrying him, but part of me wonders if he;ll ever ask. sometimes i lay in bed at night when i cant sleep and think about how close the day is coming when i graduate and its now or never. Am i gonna be getting on that plane of drivng off in my truck alone? will he just let me walk out of his life so easly? Does he even think about this stuff?
i read this postcard on postsecrets the other day totally could be me in the next couple years here it is, curtousy of postsecret.blogspot.com....
" What hurts more than loosing you......Is knowing your not fighting to keep me"
not that i am asking micheal to fight for me, but how could he jsut let me walk out of his life? hes known about my dreams sense we first got together and i get sooo frustrated that suddenly now, after all this time he suddenly has a problem leaving.
Like after highschool did reality all of a sudden set in and he realized that i hadnt been joking. is that why everything that happend that summer happend? was he trying to push me away then so that it wouldnt hurt as bad? these are all questions that he can only answer, and they are all the questions that i forget about while i'm in his arms. So is it wrong to love him so much knowing that there is maybe only a 10%chance that this will work? Guess its too late now huh.....
posted by Rachel_Bachert @ 9:02 PM
3 Comments:
I'm not sure what to say, because it seems like sometimes you feel one way and sometimes you feel another. THere are times when you have said if Michael proposed to you, you would say yes, right then. There are other times that you'd say if he shaped up you would... I don't have any advice, probably due to me being sick. Love you.
Hmm, you know, i'm not one to say "everything happens for a reason" but perhaps if he never asks you then perhaps its not worth time - although I do see you have been with him a long time - you never know, there are like what ... 6.4 billion people on this planety? And a good 300 million? ( I think) are in the united states? That's a lot of people :P If he doesn't marry you someone will lol. That's the thing about the future, its so far out of our grasp it can scare us sometimes - but fear not you will make things work for yourself.
Rachel-
Sorry it's been so long and I am just now looking at your blog. Just remember every relationship has good times and bad, as you well know. And you are going to have days where you would jump at the chance to marry micheal and days where you would look at him like he was nuts if he asked.
You two have been through a lot together and the most important thing is to remember no matter what happens, it wasn't a waste of your time. Your relationship has made you who you are today and nothing will ever change that. Mike has impacted you in every way and you can't regret your relationship with him otherwise you will regret who you are now.
You will figure things out sweetie, just don't press yourself on making any big desicions right now, things happen when they are suposed to, even if it doesn't seem like the right time to you. Trust me, I have 2 boys that I didn't think came at the right time but I wouldn't change it for the world.
Love you much sweetie-
Niki
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