Friday, September 23, 2005

So two things to talk about today: Leah and Micheal
I'll start with my baby sis....I'm really starting to get worried about her. She keeps getting quieter and quieter sents brandon left adn when she does talk she always seems mad or really sad. the other day i asked her if she was ok and she said "yeah i'm fine, just alittle depressed"
This worries me cause i have gone through depression before and i know how alone you can feel and the thoughts that go through your head and the problem is that no one can really bring you out of it but you. I want to do somthing for her but i dont know what. I want to make her happy, but short of making brandon come back to Alaska adn do his Junior and Senior years over again....i dont know what to do. I keep thinking back to when i was depressed and trying to remember what brought me out of it, or what set me spirling into it but all i remember is what kept me holding on.....Leah. the sound of her voice brought me back from the edge so many times...she saved me and i want to be there for her but at the same time i know i cant really because i cant feel it with her. If i could i would take it all away from her and carry it on my shoulders so she wouldnt have to....I would go through it all again to keep her from it but i cant....
Now that i've talked about what has been weighing on my mind maybe i should end on a better note and talk about what has been happening with me and micheal. Its a little bitter sweet.
I finally mustered up the courage to talk to him seriously about where we are headed. Mainly cause i have been thinking alot lately about where I am headed with school and i have some questions. although i think that i am going to go for my masters now here at UAF along with my bachlors and then get my phd and do research and teaching. i figure this may be the best way to combined the 2 fields that i am most interested in. although i am NOT completely out ruling Med school just yet. I like to think of it as giving myself alittle bit more time to make sure that i am doing what i really want to do.So....
I asked him "whats gonna happen if i go away to med school? are you gonna come with me?"
"No, my whole life is here....."
"So what then....we're gonna break up after being together for 9 years?"
"I hope not (he kinda laughed).....i would come see you, i just couldnt live there...."
"Oh..... so what about marriage?"
"I'm not gonna be married to someone who lives in another state...."
"oh...." i kinda understand why, i wouldnt want to be married to someone who didnt live with me either...let alone in another state
then we talked about how he wants me to do what ever is going to make me happiest, and that he supports what ever i choose. then we talked about the cabin that he is building next summer and i told him that i would move out with him if he wanted but he said no cause ever one of his guy friends who moved out with their GF ended up married or with a GF who turned into a controling bitch.....He was joking of course about not wanting me to move in...not so much abotu his guy freinds though....and i dont want to be like that, which i dont think i would. but it made me think, i should stick by my prior decision and not move in with him unless we are engaged...
his confidence in our relationship makes me feel so much better....liek if i were to go away to school there is no doubt in his mind that we wouldnt make it through being apart for so long...infact he seemed suprised that i was worried about it.... He completely put me at ease even though he was telling me somethings that i didnt want to hear. hes right though, we've already made it through so much, adn we are still inlove so that says alot...

Micheal is my rock


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