Saturday, January 21, 2006

Rantings of a Crazy lady

So i know that anyone who knows me thinks that i am the biggest pesimest ever adn you are all right. I am so nervouse right now because i know that something bad is about to happen cause things cant be this good for one person, sooner or later i got to fall. Cause life is just a sequence of hills and valleys...
well i think its happening, the valley that is....I should know for sure in 6 no i'm sorry 5 days cause thats how long i'm giving it. I should really explain,....i bet that i am a very confusing person to know sometimes, i seem random even to myself. For a while i have felt like things just werent quite right between Micheal adn i. well last night we had....not really a fight, because it takes two people to fight and he just sat there. I tried to explain to him that i dont feel like i make him happy anymore adn that the way he has been acting lately ( wich is indifferent to me) is making me nervous. I point blank asked him if he was cheating on me and that was the only point that he looked at me and said something wich was "No, Rachel" but it still didnt change the fact that he makes me feel like he has better things to do. he can go for days without talking to me adn then calls at 2 in the morning to see if i want to talk....he knows that i need to get up at 6/ 6:30 for work.....I just dont understand all this, yesterday when i got home i went to my room adn started screaming at his picture like a crazy person....asking why he had to change and why he doesnt love me, what i did, why he went back to drugs, WHY I AM NOT ENGOUGH ANYMORE!!!!!! bcause that is how i feel, like its me, or pot....but there has to be somthing that makes a person fall out of love....cause there is always something that makes you fall inlove right?adn then i started thinking that maybe it is me, that i jsut make things up in my head nad then i blame micheal and push him away....Maybe i;m the one who is just so i have been doing school work and cleaning and more school work and more cleaning....cause i dont want to talk about it...i want to close my eyes and wake up back in high school, when we were fine and before our senior year, adn when i have to make the choice to be alone again when he goes back to drugs i want to run down stairs to V and never look back, Because if he has fallen out of love then why the hell did i ever meet him? why the hell did God or Cupid or whatever bring us together? cause i'm starting to feel like it was some big joke and everybody else is laughing but me.....adn i wouldnt trade Micheal for anything, so its a lye that i would go back and change whats happend but he has 5 days left to figure out if he wants me in his life or not...i just dont know what to do if he says or rather doesnt say anything..... what if he isnt happy? then what? I keep telling myself i'll be ok cause now i have V and Ashley but what if i'm not? i dont know what would be worse.....loveing a man that i'm not with or loving a man that is indifferent, cause at least if hes with me i dont have to see him with anyone else
but again maybe he does love me and i am the one who is ignoreing him becasue i am so busy...AHH SD ASKJ DHGLSFglscvb ci could go arround and arround all night and all day with this CRAP i'm done....i dont want to talk about this any more and i dont want to think about it either


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