Tuesday, February 28, 2006

So i just read Jere's blog and it sounds like Koa is going to have the surgery on his stomach today at 2...thats in about a half hour. i know he needs it but it scary to think about because i;m just starting to relaize how little he is, i mean i knew before but i just saw this picture of him with Court and it really put it into persepective. its hard to imagine that somthing that little could live, let alone endure all these surgeries.....
i dont even know what to think right now, inside i am praying...out of habit or becuase i really think it will do somthing i dont know....i wish i did.
Ive gone to church now two weeks in a row, not because i am believing in God or becuase i want to go, but becuase i know htat it is important to my family, because they are going to pray about koa, and i stand there, and i pray too but ....i cant even explain it, its like a do it but the whole time i am questioning it....like if its really worth it, cause what if no one but my mom and dad are listening, if only the people in the congregation know what we are feeling and how scared we are....what if everyone who is praying are asking something non existant for help, comfort, guidence......my Dad said that its too sad to think that our existance is all for nothing, that we are like preformers on a stage but if there is no audience then why would we be dancing, we writes it alittle more eliquenly though.....and even though his reasoning made sense it didnt ease my mind but for a moment...becuase performers offten never see the audience, the lights are to bright, they dance because they want to dance regardless of who is watching, or who isnt.


At 4:47 PM, Blogger Alaska said...

I have wrestled with the same doubts and will probably battle them again and again as long as I live. I wish I could give you proof, could somehow give peace to your mind, but I am a mere human also.

Do you doubt your own existence? What proof can you give that you, I, or anyone else actually exists and are anything but some kind of cosmic halucination? You have faith that there is a real "you". You have faith that I and the other people you know exist as something beyond just images conjured up by neurons firing in your brain. Faith in God requires the same sort of thing. There is no tangible refutable truth proving the existance of God or of me or even of yourself. I would argue that the only evidence we have that any of these things exists is the fact that we even can consider such questions.

Pray for Koa...Pray for me...Pray for yourself...even if you are not sure to whom or why you do so. The very action of doing so will help you understand what is un-understandable.


At 6:39 PM, Blogger Evelyna said...


I'm sorry that you are going through this whole confusion about God and such. Its a hard thing. I think everyone (even someone like my dad) has gone through it. I"m sure you will figure it out. :D I love you no matter what decision you make. :D Oh, btw, you should link Jere's Blog to this, cause I would love to see it... I was going to look and see if he commented so I could find it.



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