Saturday, July 30, 2005

Drugs or Something More

Drugs Or Jesus
(Brett James/Aimee Mayo/Troy Verges/Chris Lindsey)
In my home town
For anyone who sticks around
You're either lost or you're found
There's not much in between
In my home town
Everything's still black and white
It's a long, long way from wrong to right
From Sunday morning to Saturday night
Everybody just wants to get high
Sit and watch a perfect world go by
We're all looking for love and meaning in our lives
We follow the roads that lead us
To drugs or Jesus

My whole life
I've tried to run, I've tried to hide
From the stained glass windows in my mind
Refusing to let God's light shine
Down on me
Down on me
Everybody just wants to get high
Sit and watch a perfect world go by
We're all looking for love and meaning in our lives
There's not much space between us
Drugs or Jesus
Everybody wants acceptance
We all just want some proof
Everyone's just looking for the truth
Everybody just wants to get high
Sit and watch a perfect world go by
We're all looking for love and meaning in our lives
We follow the roads that lead us
To drugs or Jesus

I was sitting here getting ready to write a blog entry and contemplating how to write what i was thinking and then these two songs played on hte radio, on right after another and they said perfectly to two things that i have been thinking about for the past weeks or so, so today i guess just listen to the music.....
"Something More"
Monday, hard to wake up
Fill my coffee cup, I'm out the door
Yeah, the freeway's standing still today
It's gonna make me late, and thats for sure
I'm running out of gas and out of time
Never gonna make it there by nine
There's gotta be something more
Gotta be more than this
I need a little less hard time
I need a little more bliss
I'm gonna take my chances
Taking a chance I might
Find what I'm looking for
There's gotta be something more
Five years and there's no doubt
That I'm burnt out, I've had enough
So now boss man, here's my two weeks
I'll make it short and sweet, so listen up
I could work my life away, but why?
I got things to do before die
Some Believe in destiny, and some believe in fate
I believe that happiness is something we create
You best belive that I'm not gonna wait
'Cause there's gotta be something more
I get home 7:30 the house is dirty, but it can wait
Yeah, 'cause right now I need some downtime
To drink some red wine and celebrate
Armageddon could be knocking at my door but I ain't gonna answer thats for sure.
There's gotta be something more!

Friday, July 29, 2005

BEWARE SPORTS CAR DRIVERS: This Girl Doesn't Get Out of The Way

Seriously, sometimes i wonder about people.This morning as i was pulling into the work parking lot this lady in a brand new Neon yellow mazda miata came around the corner doing like 45 in a 5-10 and in the wrong lane, almost getting into a front on collision with me.AND To top it off...Yeah She yelled at ME! OK maybe its hard to understand that just because you have a shit load of money and can buy a worthless car like a mazda miata to drive in the summer up here still doesnt mean that I'll get the Fuck Out the Way when you come rollin up.MONEY DOESNT MAKE YOU QUEEN OF THE ROAD
I'm sorry but i have had my share of accidents this year and i really dotn feel liek having another truck totaled because some dumbass doesnt know how to drive. And i Know that people arent perfect, shit even I could be called an ASSHOLE when i'm behind the wheel at some point of another. But if you were driving a car that cost more that i make in 10 years, you'd think that you would be extra careful, or maybe you have enough money that it doesnt matter. But have some common sense!!!! STAY ON THE RIGHT SIDE OF THE FUCKING ROAD! Because unlike some people this 20 year old doesnt feel like haveing any more problems because of an accident.
Ok now that the rant of the morning is over.... I would just like to say that i'm sorry i havent written in a while to all my fans.....V....... but when you dont have anything to say why say somthing? although i may make another post here in a bit if work stays as slow as it is right now...

Monday, July 18, 2005

So Much Time 2 Think and Still No Answers

I have had all this time to think lately, with nothing to do at work and camping on the weekends. But it seems no matter how long or how much i think i still cant seem to make up my mind or figure things out. I know alot of people areound me have opinions that they will share about my life and my decisions, or lack there of.
Sometimes i wonder why makeing choices seems so hard when your the one making them and so easy when your the one just telling someone what to choose.
It all boils down to the fact that love and life are complicated tangled webs that we weave.
I have so many things that are running through my head right now, none of wich i want to talk to anyone else about, but all of which require that action inorder to have them resolved.
I just wish that i could keep my life just that, mine. i wish that my private questions could be answered privatly, without haveing to involve anyone else.Or at least that people wouldnt ask so many questions on my life and pass judgement without knowing the way i feel. who can understand why i choose the things i do if they dont understand or feel the feelings that make me come to that choice?
and then to even doubt myself, the way i feel and if its wonder if others are deciving me, and making the way i feel foolish. Is it right to give them the benefit of the doubt if it makes me feel better? and is it right to be with someone for the pure pleasure you get from knowing that you love them, regardless of weather that feeling is really reciprocated to the full extent that yours are. not to say that i doubt that micheal loves me, but that i wonder if he truely loves me the way that i love him.
i know alot of people think that i'm crazy or stupid for feeling this, but i would marry him if he asked, despite everything, because when i'm with him i forget it all. this probably isnt a good thing, to forget your inhabitions with a touch. and my better judgement advises me not too, but i've never been one to ignore my heart because my head told me too. So for all you have their opinion on my life, i am once again ignoring you...forgive me. One day maybe Micheal will prove me wrong and i will realize that you were all right but on the chance that he will prove you wrong i'm hanging on....
See all that thinking and still.... i have no real answer to all the questions in my head. only the way i feel on one subject at this moment in time...and there are so many factors and questions that still weigh heavy that i dicuss within myself that i may change my own mind. so for now, there are many things bothering me and none of which i want to talk about

Sunday, July 10, 2005

The Great OutDoors: From a truck bed....

So i had another intresting weekend.LOL i say that past tense even though the weekend isnt over. Pretty much i camped all weekend. Had fun in the great outdoors and watched the world go by from a truck bed. Did think of some good Bumper stickers though so no one can say that it was a waste "Some Gentalmen open doors for you, But real Gentelmen close tailgates." That was one of them.
Micheal and i had a "discussion" Friday. I keep wondering why God made Love so complicated. Why if you love somone things cant just work out? Guess cause then you would never really love them cause there would never be the chance for you to get hurt, you would never have to trust them. WOW what an enlightenment, and i havent even been drinking...
Seriously though, i feel like i can think so much clearer when i'm laying in my truck bed staring up in to the sky.Or Micheals truck bed looking out the topper windows watching the rain beat down on our camp fire, Each drop sizzling for a second as it extinguishes a small part of the flame.and the Heavens just keep falling threatening to extiguish the fire right down to the inner most hot burning coals. I couldnt help but think of love.
the way that only hours earlier i had painstakingly tried to light the kindling, scortching my thumb and cursing paper that wouldnt stay lit. then a small flame broke loose, and the wood slowly ignited and a radient heat warms my hand. Micheal kneels down beside me and kisses my cheek. " you need to give it air.." he lowers his head and blows a long gust under my small flame... the flame disappears and the coals beneth it burn red and orange. then as he leans back to grab more wood the flame returns stronger and longing for more fuel. he asnwers it needs and tosses a few larger sticks into its firey fingers. he leans down again and Blows another gust into the belly of the beast and againt eh flames wither and the burning coals glow with passion. and when he stops the fire has grown.
i think back to this as the rain threatens to extinguish both the fames and its coals. How for years Micheal and i have been building a fire. it stated out small and how its grown and how now, as the rain falls down we're fighting to keep the ever changing world around us from smothering what we've worked so had to build. the rain begins t slow outside teh window and i can feel micheals hand on my side, "I think its stopping" i turn back to look at him... he leans forward an meets me half way for a kiss. we ventured back outside and look at the ruins of our fire. he kneels down again and places more kindling over the drentched pit. then without a lighter or the matches he leans in and give one big gust of breathe.... our coals burn bright and ignite the kindling once again.