Tuesday, August 30, 2005


I'm starting to see why some people make entire blogs about the people who irritate them...... Sometimes you just need to vent right? and there is nothing wrong with that...So here i go, I'm venting about the most obnoxious people i know at the moment because if i dont i am going to explode from irritation....
He seems to think that he can call me "Darling" for one. I dont care if he is from the south where that might be common practice but the only person other than my father that can call me a pet name is Micheal. My parents named me and i am damn sure it doesnt say "Darling" on my birth certificate. Everytime he calls me that i cringe inside.....It makes me want to puke. I am not your Darling, your Honey or any other degrating sexist pet name! KISS MY ASS!!!
This same guys seems to think that because i am a girl i dont know anything about cars....I worked at a mechanic shop for a good part of my junior high and high school career....and my boyfriend is a mechanic, i think that it is fair to say that i know what i am talking about to some extent, at least more than some one who "knows about cars" simply becasue he is a man. FUCK YOU girls can do guys shit too and while i'm at it GUYS can do girls shit...its the 21st fucking century bud....
and then there is the certain family member who seems to think that it is ok to hit on me....He is married with 4 kids and everytime he looks at me i feel like he is picturing me naked.... it used to be funny cause he would tell that i was pretty but now it makes me uncomforatable becasue he will say things like " MY God Rachel, you are soo sexy...." and then look me up and down.... it really grosses me out and makes me uncomfortable....i dont like being home alone anymore for fear that he will come over adn i wont have an excuse to leave..... I think i will move out just to avoid him. now i know why my brothers wif e doesnt like him...i thought she was over exagerating....
well i feel better now....

Friday, August 26, 2005

Well i HAD stuff to do....

So today was turning into a fairly productive day... untill i got too productive and finished all my work. Man, i;ve been saving up work to do all week so that i wouldnt get bored today and i went and finished it all early instead of rationing it.....
Oh well some exciting stuff just happend and now it is almost 4:30. Although i have just proven once again that i can put my foot in my mouth with in two words of a conversation....Dam boys from the shop. I swear my tounge has a mind of its own and it makes me look so stupid, i'm sure that guy thought i was metally handicapped or somthing..... and then i turned bright red, probably matched my shirt beautifuly.....GOD i am suck a nerd....
I dont know how i ever talked to Micheal with out looking like an idiot, oh yeah thats right Monica talked to him for me.... I can talk to any one on the phone but God Forbid they stand infront of me.....This will take a bit for a halfway normal color to return to my cheeks...if you are curious of what all happend and why i am feeling like such and idiot i'm taking a vote....all those in favor of me telling the story say EY all those opposed say NEH


I had the best night ever with Micheal the other day. We havent gotten to spend alot of time together recently, or at least it seems that way. And although i am likeing this new found together but independent thing, i was begining to miss him. The night started out bad, he doesnt have a cell anymore sense some brat stole it so getting ahold of him is nearly impossible at times.He had told me that he would call me when he got off work...well 7:oo wa fast approaching and he hadnt called.So i took the initiative and called his house only to find that he had supposedly left at 6. So a little pissed and disappointed thinking that he had blown me off.
So i went to dinner with my parents and sister....at the end of dinner we got a phone call from my brother and his wife, one of the puppies had just died and they were on their way to our house to bury him in the "pet cemitery" out front. So i got home and helped Jere dig a hole and we burried the little thing, rightly named Tootles. He was so tiny, it doesnt seem fair sometimes. as we were getting ready to lay him in the whole a loud rumble came down the street. I turned around and there was Micheal, stepping out of his Monsterous toyota (i'll have to put a picture of this truck on here...it has a 12in lift on it and the frame sits 2 feet off the ground, the biggest little truck you;ll see that is still street legal)
Any way so i was still mad at him cause i figured he ditched me and then realized that i would be pissed and was coming to smooth it over and then leave again. So we burried Tootles and then Micheal and i walked over to his truck to talk without the whole family listening in. turns out he had been driving by my house for the last hour but no one was home. he had gotten off work and taken a shower (around the time that i had called) his mom told him that i had called and that she thought he had left, so he decided to suprise me and not call to tell me he was coming....unfortunatley by the time he got to the house i was gone. so he drove around for an hour untill finally i returned.....I really need to not jump to conclusions....when he says that he will be there he normally is..unless he is stuck while out mudding..
So we rented a movie.....it was great cause we just layed there and cuddled the whole time...and he kept kissing my neck, which absolutely drives me crazy! and everytime i would turn over to see if he was really watching the movie he would kiss my forehead. I fell asleep wrapped up in his arms untill almost 1am when i woke up and realized that the movie had ended.i reached over and turned it off, but the movement must have woken him cause he got up, kissed me and then grabbed his coat and went home. i felt kinda bad cause he had to be at work the next morning, well so did i but i was in such a good mood the next morning that any lack of sleep didnt phase me. I guess it was just nice to know that we still have it after all these years....i love how we dont even have to talk...we can just lay there and be happy......makes all the things that seem to go wrong or all the things that we need to deal with everyday seem less important....we;ll be fine, no matter where we end up, because we will always have moments like that....

Thursday, August 25, 2005

"The Hardest Thing"-Rachel

I'm not sure if any of you like poetry, but i feel like some of the best emotions can be captured in a poem....something about the rythm...so here is a poem that i wrote a while back, that everytime i read it i realize how well it expresses what i'm feeling, even more than a year later....its a look at some of my fears....

The hardest thing I’ll ever do
Is walk away, pretend I don’t love you.
To try and place
Fake smiles on my face

The hardest thing I’ll ever do
Is go through life without you.
To wish and wonder every night
If you miss me, you just might

The hardest thing I’ll ever do
Is fool my heart to not want you.
To make it think
Love doesn’t stink

The hardest thing I’ll ever do
Is heal this pain brought on by you.
To try and make it,
Each morning wake to face it

The hardest thing I’ll ever do
Is train my arms to not hold you.
To close my eyes
And not want to cry.

The hardest thing I’ll ever do
Is all because I can’t not love you.

Let me know if you guys would like to read more of my poems....i have a bunch, from different times in my life.I like them but i dont know if any one else loves poetry like me...or if they are even any good.

Monday, August 22, 2005


How can you love this much? to the point that pain doesnt matter....where the idea that its all for nothing doesnt fase you because you have the here and now.... where you know you'll hate one another, both end up feeling abandoned but yet you hang on because of that little shred of hope that it will be ok. I LOVE THIS MAN!!!!! no matter what it brings, no matter if i have to cry at night alone becuase i know we may not make it... I love him just the same....And i know that i will always love him, and if he allows me to choose him over a carreer i would, i would give up med school and far away lands if he asked me....i would give up everything.... And that is a scary thought, to know that i can feel this way, that i can love so much that it would take just one choice of him to make me change my entire life..... if he quit tomorrow for good and asked me to spend the rest of my life with him i would.... i realized this weekend that the only reason that i want to get away from here is because its the only excuse i have to leave him for what he is doing..... because its not that it hurts me directly...its watching him hurt himself that kills me. because i love him.

Friday, August 19, 2005

I close my eyes and ask you why
with tears of pain and pride
i put on my face
to leave this place

i watch the world go by

I see you there and ask God please
with broken heart i hit my knees
I face the world with frozen smile
to think of you a moments while

I watch the world go by

I breathe so deep and feel the burn
with each day and each turn
I curse you underneath my breath
to stop the beating in my chest

I watch the world go by

I lay wake and never sleep
with you my heart does keep
I begged you please
to stop...to love me

so i sit, i watch the world go by

i wait and watch

Well V, Aleena and Felicia are offically moved in to their new place. They havent really unpacked everything yet but all their stuff is there ( in the living room). I stopped by yesterday, it is a really nice apartment. I wish i could afford a place like that....well really i wish i could afford anything....
I didnt have a very good day yesterday. work was long, i didnt feel good, and Micheal and i had alittle spat. I did get to go see my brother's beloved Jezabelle's puppies though....she had 10 all together, the biggest one named Coco Bean is a beautiful Chocolate lab, then there are two yellow labs, one white lab, and the rest are black like Jezabelle and Duke. They are so cute :) but what puppy isnt?their eyes should open in the next couple weeks, and in a few months they will be going to new homes. I think my brothers wife Courtnie wants to keep Coco Bean though, he is her favorite. He is cute but he is going to be huge like his dad, maybe even bigger. Hes already dam near twice the size of the others in the litter. I like the Runt, she is this little black lab that looks like Jezabelle, I told my brother he should name her Chance, but now that i think about it i dont think the name really fits her. I think it will be easier to name them once they get bigger and have a little more personality.
So i guess i should stop avoiding the subject.... I talked to Micheal yesterday and questioned him again about his ring. He told me that he lost it, but the way he said it....it bothers me. Cause when i asked him if he would like me to buy him a new one he was like "i really dont care, if you want to go ahead" i was like well do you want one or not? then he said somthing about me being whiny and paraniod....I just got off the phone, Its like he doesnt even understand why i was upset that he didnt tell me that he had lost it. and the more he hangs out with that Jack Ass he calls a friend the worst he gets... I like all of Micheals other friends, but this guy...there is no way that i can liek him, he is such and ass to me, he even threatened to hit me once, and he got Micheal to Dump me once after High School....And every time that Micheal tries to quit smoking its this guy that convinces him that he shouldnt....And i know micheal is a big boy and can make his own choices but it doesnt help to have a friend pressuring you to do somthing wheh you are trying to quit.
Hes just been acting like a jerk again lately, he does this everytime he hangs out with this guy, everytime he starts smoking again...i've only seen him once this week by his choosing. i dropped by his work yesterday, and left cause it was obvious he didnt want me there. and we're not going to Valdeze now. I dotn want to say this, i dont even want to think it...but its getting there....I dont think i can do this....I dont think that i can keep waiting for somthing that isnt gonna happen because its getting too far gone to save....I cant keep loving on a rollercoaster....I NEED to be sure about something again.....I NEED to know that this is going somewhere, anywhere.....i NEED to know that i'm not an idiot, or that i am, for loving him.....I'm sick of not having a plan, or waiting to see what is going to happen...i'm getting sick of waiting for him....for him to GROW UP!!!!!!!!

Thursday, August 18, 2005

Somthing Just Doesnt Feel Right

Something isnt right... Micheal has been acting weird this week and its starting to bother me. He just seems really distant. And the other day when i saw him he wasnt wearing his ring anymore...i questioned him about it but he just kind shrugged his shoulders and said that he must have taken it off for a shower....but then he got up to go to the bathroom he didnt put it on... i asked him if it bothered him, he was like "if what bothers me?" i was like " your ring..." he just kinda said no and then went back to watching TV...
But i'm almost positive that he hasnt worn it all week, i kept thinking about it last night cause i couldnt sleep, and it seemed like he was trying to hide his hand fron me...like always sitting with it away from me. I'm gonna stop by the shop today after i pick up my MRI results from the hospital....i dont know what i'm gonna do if he still isnt wearing it...
I know some people might be like, it;s just a ring its not like you are married....but its more than that. the rings we wear are physical promises we have made to eachother, promises that tell us and everyone else that we are in love and plan to be in this for the long haul. By taking off the ring (either one of us) its says "im not sure that i want to be with you...." without even having to say anything.
they are promise rings and they symbolize promises that only micheal and i understand. the last time that either of us took our rings off for this long was when we broke up in december.... adn i took it off because i was done, and when i took it off i really had no intention of ever putting it back on....over the past few years the rings have come to symbolize much more than they originally had....when i first put this ring on it was just a piece of jewlery, now everytime i look at it reminds me how much i love the man who gave it to me...it hold just as much if not more meaning than a wedding band because it reminds us of not only the promises we have made to one another, but the good times adn hard times that got us here....its hard to explain....shortly adn plainly the represent our love....
so maybe you can understand why it is bothering me that he has taken if off for so long...not just a "i was taking a shower and forgot to put it back on..." not even an " i lost it" or "my brother flushed it down the toilet" (which really happend once). if hes still not wearing it tonight when i go over there i guess it answers everything in a way though....i pray to God he is wearing it...i Pray that this is just my pariniod side...but something just doesnt seem right

Update on V

V was doing much better yesterday...she was remembering thing fairly clearly although the days seemed kinda jumbled and monday and tuesday are still really blurry for her. I'm so happy, i was so worried about her....she scared me that day...and i felt helpless cause i couldnt help her.
She called cause she felt bad about not being able to go to my MRI with me cause she knew that i was nervous...but i made it through and didnt freak out too bad. I understand that she felt bad about not going but i was running late anyway and i really dont think that they would have let her come back there with me.... she was too loopy still. and they lied, i wouldnt have been able to hear her talking to me, i have ear plugs in and the machine is really noisey....and i dont think that she could have held onto my leg of anything cause even though they were only scanning my head and back i think i was completely inside that machine.
She spent her first night in her apartment last night, i think she was excited about it. and i guess today she is moving out of the dorms completely..and as a side note i am kinda worried that after her and Ron arent living together i might not get my bike back... cause i dont really have a way to get ahold of Ron other than through V adn Ron is moving too so its not like her phone number is gonna stay the same. when i lent her my bike i was under the impression that she was only gonna borrow it for a couple weeks untill she got paid. Now i am kinda thinking that i might not get it back....wich is gonna get me introuble with my dad cause he didnt really want me to led it to her at all cause he had paid for it, i think kinda to make up for me not getting anything for my B-day.... so he feels like i just gave away my birthday present.
V, if you are reading this i have been trying to ask you about getting my bike back for a few weeks so you cant be mad at me.... i've sent you texts and have tried to talk to you about it but then get side tracked so dont feel like i am writing this behind your back...in fact i sent you a text just today.
I like Ron, but i do want my bike back before school starts/ you guys dotn live in that room anymore.
well i guess that is all for now...i have noticed that my blog has gotten very boring lately. i was all creative at first and now i am just like, this this and this happend...BLAH BLAH BLAH my boring life.... well the car accident made it alittle more exciting but not in a good way.... Fuck i just changed my time sheet for work and now i think i should change it again and just go home...i do need to pack for Valdeez this weekend and get my fishing license..but i dont even know if we are really going yet...cause micheal is dragging his feet. Maybe today it just one of those restless days where i want to be out doing anything else but work...
"Living is a constant process of deciding what we are going to do." - Jose Ortega Y Gasset

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Almost out of the Woods....

I just got off the phone with V...she really seems to be doing alot better today. She can remember almost everything uptill monday fairly clearly. She still is alittle confused about wich day what happend but she remembers alot more.....I'm sooooo happy she is gonna be ok:) and she said that the letter helped...i was worried that it might upset her agian like it had done yesterday...i hurt so bad to see her cry...she read it adn then read it again and again adn then finaly when she got to the part where i wrote somthing about "if your collar bone hurts and you dotn know why read this...) she started the letter again... reading each part with the same reaction she had had before...then she got to the part about her not remembering anything for more than 5 mins...she looked me square in the eye and asked "rachel, how many times have i read this letter?" "About 5 V...." then she started crying and calling herself ten second tom...i tried to make her laugh and said "no V your more like Five min fred..." so she started calling herself ten second fred...getting the two names confused.....she kept crying and i felt so bad cause i wanted to make it better but i knew i couldnt...then i realized that she had been calling herself the same nickname and crying about the same thing for over ten min....which was good cause she hadnt forgotten why she was crying.....or the nick name...although i hope she does forget that cause its a mean nick name...and V if you are reading this i'm sorry i joked about it..i just wanted you to laugh.....
but again she is doing much much better today.....

not sure what to do, not sure what to say...Grandma said to Pray

Yesterday was turning out to be a pretty normal day. but then i was on the run for work when i had this urge to call V....She answered the phone in histeria, crying and saying she loved me over and over...all i got out of her was something about an accident and 26 and Rickert.....
I dont really remember driving back up to work, i just remember runnning through the halls and telling Maria i had to go that something had happend to V.....
I must have drove all over town for an hour it seemed looking for her cause she wasnt at 26th and rickert....i founder her at the clinic....completely out of it, why they didnt bring her to the ER i dont know...i'm soooo very mad about that...fucking idiots!
her roommate Ron had been in the car with her...she said they were driving along and some guy ran a stop sign and T-Boned them on the drivers side. V hit her head really hard.
i spent 6 hours with her yeasterday, trying to get her to remember stuff....she kept asking the same questions over and over.... i went with her to get her x-rays and sat with her in the exam room while her dad and Ron waited in the waiting room....Her dad was going through her cell and calling everyone thats why he let me go back with her ....
after we got her X-rays they sent us across town to the hospital to have a CT scan done of her brain...she road with her dad...and i drove Ron back to the dorms...when i left the dorms and was on my way to the hospital suddenly everything started sinking in...i had a mini break down, called ashley and left a horrible message on her phone, she said she thought somthing had happend to me at first but then made out that it was V and rushed to the hospital. my mom met me there too and we waited with V and her dad.Abe and sarah were there, well sarah works in the X-ray department and abe works next to the hospital.... after her CT we drove back to the clinic where the doctors determined that the scan was normal....so the amnesia should pass in the next few days. i had called Aleena again when i was waiting at the clinic cause Vs dad had called her around 4:30 or 5:00 when he had first brought V into the clinic to be seen.we left the clinic around 8 and headed back to V's dads new place....which was really confusing for her
she doesnt remember that she just got an apartment with Aleena and Felicia, or that her dad moved, or that her friend Travis went to war monday....All things that i have gone over and over with her.She seemed to think that it was funny wich made it easier, that and she was being really silly.... we got her to eat alittle dinner and then we went into the room that she will be staying in at her dads cause she wanted to "figure out her love life", a conversation that we had been having in circular motion for about an hour..... she sat down and began making one list after another....after about 5min she would forget what the list was for and start over, making the same list and asking me the same questions....suddenly she noticed the other lists and was like "Rachel, who wrote these?" i was like "You V..." "NO WAY!!!!" then she would start reading them " Travis is at War? that sucks!" it was really hard... then Aleena finally showed at like 9:15 ................and we all sat with V untill her dad had us leave around 10:00 or so so she could rest. she started crying when we left cause she realized that she couldnt remeber anything for more than 5 mins.....i left her a letter explaining everything , i really hope it helps....
i couldnt sleep last night.... i cried almost all night and kept praying to God that she will be ok...

Friday, August 12, 2005


Ah... yet another slow friday at work. Other than a minor computer problem today seems to be going fairly well. And i'm going to get a lunch today wich is cool, although i still have not decided where i am going, oh wait i just did Subway.
I went to the fair with V last night! I had a blast, i miss hanging out with her everyday. But she is definately happier working at the coffee house.
And Ashley came back from germany yesterday! So i am very happy, i have my two bestest friends in town. She is awsome too, she brought me back a bunch of beer caps from germany, ones that i would never be able to get here :) and a small bottle of something....its in german so i dont know what it is.
now on a little more serious note: i have to go in on the 17th for an MRI scan of my neck and shoulder. The doctor thinks that i might have a hurniated disc in my back and it could be causeing nerve damage, hence the reason why it has been 8 months sense my accident and i till have numbness in my arm. right now i am more nervous about being put into a small tube for 30min to an hour than i am of what that could mean.... i'm trying not to think about it, cause i dont want to worry if it is nothing. Ashley said that is the best way to think about it. My mom on the other hand started telling me ALL about what would happend if it did turn out to be a herniated disc and this surgery that i would most likely need on my spine.....sometimes haveing a mom that knows all about this kinda stuff isnt cool. she had me freaked out for a day and i dont even know what is wrong yet....i love her to death but i wish that i wasnt such a worry wart like her.
ooo 20mins till lunch! I havent had a normal lunch sents i started working here. Oh and speaking of jobs i still have no word on that other job i applied for....i'm starting to think that i'm not gonna get it...but oh well another opertunity will come by right?

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Hunting Widow

Last night sucked. I miss Micheal so much. I dont remember hunting season being this hard last year, i think that it has something to do with the fact that last year he had a phone so i would at least get to hear his voice....oh and the fact that EVERYONE around me is so happy! GOD people you should be miserable with me...Just Joking. although i do wish people would stop getting married or announcing they are getting married or already are married for the next month....
I'm averaging one person a day now. i feel like a mouse in a feild and all my buddies are being plucked up by hawks...soon i'll be the only one left! I've decided that i dont want to get married for a while but lately i cant help but wish i was the one annoucing that i was engaged... i mean some of my friends that are married or engaged havent even been dating the people they are about to spend the "rest of their live with" for much more than a year, and here i am with the same guy for the better part of 6 years.... i know that its dumb but i'm begining to wonder if Micheal will ever ask me for real to marry him, and dont any one say " well if you want to marry him why dont you ask him?" cause that is a loaded question....and besides all the other reasons i have not to do that Micheal has also informed me about a year ago that if i asked he would say no because he believes that the guy should be the one to ask. Also it is what it symbolizes and means to our relationship if he asks.... some people know what i am talking about if you know me and Micheal. we have an agreement......

Friday, August 05, 2005

A Day For the Books

OK so yesterday was one of the worste days ever. It was really stressful for me but i am feeling much better this morning. V quit yesterday and there was a TON of drama that insued. Then to top it off i got home to find out that my mom was really sick and at the emergency clinic because she had had this massive head ache and was throwing up. They gave her some shots that made her really loopy and i went there with my aunt to pick her up. She road with my aunt and i drove her car home. there is a really gross story to go along with that too...i guess i might at well tell it:
so i hate driving my moms car. for starters its a mazda....then it is so full of crap that i cant even see out more than half the windows, i love my mom to death but she is a pack rat. oh and did i mention that her car is also one of the ugliest cars on the road. this is mainly my dads fault, a few years ago he backed into her car with his truck and crunched the door. I swear someday when i have money i'm gonna buy her a nice car, a candy apple color too cause she looks awsome in red. so any way i am getting in her car to drive home when i hear her calling my name in this really funny doppy voice cause the pain meds are kicking in, i dotn see my mom doppy very often so it cracks me up. she was like "Rachel, Rachel, give me that white bag!" i looked down and there was this white plastic bag that i was sitting on so i shifted my weight to pullit out from under me but she was already at the car reaching over me and getting it herself. and as she drug it past my face she said half laughing cause apparently she thought it was funny "there is puke in it...."
OH GOD! i thought i was going to puke!....i am like the biggest germ-a-phobe which is why so many people think that it is amusing that i am going to school to be a doctor. I was like "MOM! thats gross!" i must have been dry heaving in the clinics parking lot for 10mins while my aunt and mom laughed at me....
thankfully however my mom is doing better this morning. the headaches that started the whole mess have passed and the meds have worn off. whats weird though it that Leah apparently got sick yesterday around the same time, and was puking and such too. So i guess i lucked out in that boat... i was just starving by the time i got home but i didnt have a head ache or feel sick.
so all in all it was an interessting day, bad but interessting.
I think now is the time to take a deep brethe adn just let it go now..........ahhhh
ooo and i ate breakfast today! i never eat breakfast, but i figured that i should start eating a little something in the morning so that i am not so hungery right after work, cause i tend to over eat after work cause i am so hungery. and i never seem to get hungery untill like 4pm. alright ya'll bye

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

And Another One Bites The Dust....

Well its offical, another one of my old buddies just got engaged and soon he will be hitched. He told me today, and i'm standing there looking at him adn i know that i shoudl say somthing like " congradulations" or "I'm so happy for you." but all that was going throw my head was "OH MY GOD.... your like 3 years younger than me!" all i could see was him as a little kid at the park while we played on the merry-go-round....
What is wrong with me, am i like some abnormal girl because i dont want to be getting married anytime soon? I mean I'm only 20.... that doesnt seem that old to me most of the time ( untill i talk to my cousins) but i know someday i WANT to be married, and i know someday i would like to be engaged, and someday i would even maybe entertain the idea of kids ( not really sure where i stand just yet on those). But when will i know that i'm ready?
better question....how will i know that that "someone" down on one knee is the one? I love micheal, i;ve been with him for 6 years and counting but to tell the trueth....i'm not sure that we will end up together, and that is a really hard thing to admit. shit its a really hard thing to think about every time that i hear another one of my friends is engaged, or when i get invited to yet another wedding. Everyone figured that micheal and i would be the first of our friends to take the plunge....so what happend?
I;m not opposed to the idea of marrying him, but part of me wonders if he;ll ever ask. sometimes i lay in bed at night when i cant sleep and think about how close the day is coming when i graduate and its now or never. Am i gonna be getting on that plane of drivng off in my truck alone? will he just let me walk out of his life so easly? Does he even think about this stuff?
i read this postcard on postsecrets the other day totally could be me in the next couple years here it is, curtousy of postsecret.blogspot.com....
" What hurts more than loosing you......Is knowing your not fighting to keep me"
not that i am asking micheal to fight for me, but how could he jsut let me walk out of his life? hes known about my dreams sense we first got together and i get sooo frustrated that suddenly now, after all this time he suddenly has a problem leaving.
Like after highschool did reality all of a sudden set in and he realized that i hadnt been joking. is that why everything that happend that summer happend? was he trying to push me away then so that it wouldnt hurt as bad? these are all questions that he can only answer, and they are all the questions that i forget about while i'm in his arms. So is it wrong to love him so much knowing that there is maybe only a 10%chance that this will work? Guess its too late now huh.....