Tuesday, February 28, 2006

So i just read Jere's blog and it sounds like Koa is going to have the surgery on his stomach today at 2...thats in about a half hour. i know he needs it but it scary to think about because i;m just starting to relaize how little he is, i mean i knew before but i just saw this picture of him with Court and it really put it into persepective. its hard to imagine that somthing that little could live, let alone endure all these surgeries.....
i dont even know what to think right now, inside i am praying...out of habit or becuase i really think it will do somthing i dont know....i wish i did.
Ive gone to church now two weeks in a row, not because i am believing in God or becuase i want to go, but becuase i know htat it is important to my family, because they are going to pray about koa, and i stand there, and i pray too but ....i cant even explain it, its like a do it but the whole time i am questioning it....like if its really worth it, cause what if no one but my mom and dad are listening, if only the people in the congregation know what we are feeling and how scared we are....what if everyone who is praying are asking something non existant for help, comfort, guidence......my Dad said that its too sad to think that our existance is all for nothing, that we are like preformers on a stage but if there is no audience then why would we be dancing, we writes it alittle more eliquenly though.....and even though his reasoning made sense it didnt ease my mind but for a moment...becuase performers offten never see the audience, the lights are to bright, they dance because they want to dance regardless of who is watching, or who isnt.

Thinking of Koa

I keep thinking about my little nefew Koa, every morning and almost every night i log on to my brothers web site to see the latest news and after reading each post i click the comment link and sit there wondering what to write, so many people seem to find the perfect words and i cant. Mainly because everyone says how much they are praying for Koa and jere adn court to be strong and for God to guide them, but when i pray i dont know who i;m praying to anymore cause im still at this point in my life where i dont know how i feel about God, and sometimes when i pray it feels like i am just going through the motions cuase i dotn know what else to do, becuase i cant do anything else, and although i believe every word i say and want with all my heart for it to be answered and that Koa will be fine, deep down i wonder if anybody is really listening or if his small fragile life is only important to those that are still here.
so maybe i should just say the one thing that i do know.... I love you jeremiah, courtnie and koa, stay strong

Friday, February 24, 2006

ITS MY BIRTHDAY!!!!happy b-day to me happy b-day to me....

Thats right as leah put it i am offically an "old fart" today! so how did i start off the celebrations? well i slept in till 6am thanks to Spooky jumping on me and meowing to be fed, then i took a shower, cut my hair, dried adn curled then i went to DMV to get my new license at around 7:30am so that i would be the first one there, or so i thought, me and about 30 other people all had the same idea but to our suprise DMV doesnt open till 8:30am so we all stood around doing nothing for 45min then i got in and had my pic taken and was on my way by 8:45am so it wasnt as bad as i thought it would be. but someone really needs to talk to whomever designed DMV. the counters are sooooo high they are at my chest!and then taking the eye test was horriblecause i had to stand on my tippy toes and push forhead lever with my hand! god im short...

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

FINE i'll do it

Ok so sense no one else wants to update i guess i will, geeze what do you think i do all day people? just joking, although i do like reading my blogs, nice way to get my mind off school when i need a break. So whats new, Koa is still doing good, got a slight cold but ok and Duke and Jez are back, oh and i totally just got on the wrong shuttle and rode all around campus cause i was too lazy to walk the 4 blocks to my truck, so now i am at my work and am trying to muster the courage to walk down the hill 4 blocks to my truck, wich i guess is better than 4 uphill right? i just have a chill and i dont feel like being outside, i feel tired too but i know that i should go to practice sense i wont be there tomorrow cause they moved it to when i am in class. I really like coaching but today i just feel BLAH...i think i will go but not dress out. mainly my neck is killing me today, its all kinked up somthing horrid and no matter what i do i cant get it to unkink. I think i might scedual a massage when i get paid again, like on a friday afternoon...maybe i will get my hair cut too, have a haircut at 1:30 and a massage at 3:30 yeah, that will be nice in a couple weeks when wrestling is over.
And i was soooooo excited on monday about this friday cause its my birthday, but i think all my excitement is spent now. the idea of going out seems daunting now and i dont know why. like i have been looking forward to this for soooooo long and now all i want to do is curl up in my bed and sleep untill may. Ashley thinks that it is just wednesday Blahness and that come friday i will be jazzed again, i hope she is right, and i knwo that V will probably say the same thing when she writes me back. well i;m gonna caught the bus i think, oh i think i missed it oops, oh well it was the same driver as before and i already look like a dork cause i rode around with him for half an hour already lol .

Monday, February 20, 2006

This is No Good...

So my dad was trying to be helpful and brought Jeremiah's dogs into town saturday so that they wouldnt be alone at Jeremiah's and Courtnie's untill they can come back to town with the Baby, which probably wont be till june. So Duke and Jez were at our house and they seemed so much happier cause they got attention and my dad wasnt making them stay in their little kennels, they had the WHOLE garage to play in and he was taking them for walks and bringing them to the river to swim and saturday evening i walked them across the neibourhood to niki's house so that her little guy could play with them and jez kept licking him it was cute...so i brought them home ate dinner and then my dad went out and got them settled for the night. Sunday morning we got up for church (i actually felt like going-cause i figured i should maybe give God a try again sents Koa made it through the weekend and is doing so good, i had something to thank him for that i couldnt contribute to myself and my own doing) we were going to just leave but then duke and jez started barking so my dad was like "i better let them out to go to the bathroom..." so i went to the truck and my dad let them out, he decided to tie them up outside so that they could get some fresh air while we were gone, he thought twice about it but i told him that they would be fine untill we came back, i mean we would only be gone for an hour or so.
well i was wrong, jez bit through her rope and duke got untied and they ran off, we spent a good part of the day looking for them and asking ppl in the area if they had seen them but nothing, we even went to the pound to see if they were there and called the military base pound and i went on line and reported them missing cause jez has a home again micro chip. then my dad callled jere to tell him, he wasnt as upset as i thought he would be but i think it has a lot to do with being so emotionally drained from everything that has been happening the last three weeks. we are going to start the seach for them again this morning and call all the vets intown and the pounds/shelters and put an add in the paper... i really hope nothing has happend to them and that we find them....
oh and i'm not sure if i will have a job anymore by friday, cause i am almost done with everything that i had to do and i dont know if my boss has any mor samples from me to go through, although when i came in today there was a really really big box in the samples room so i am hoping that its more of hers adn not a chair or somthing that they ordered....so keep your fingers crossed other wise i might be broke on my b-day and searching for a new job instead of fully enjoying myself (although i will still go out, i just might get upset after a couple beers cause i will have to realize that i am broke...lol...i'm not too worried about it just yet though, i need to talk to her today) so i will let you know how everything goes with Duke and Jez and work and koa and my birthday and all that JAZZZZZZZZ......lol

Friday, February 17, 2006

O. ChemTest + Friday---->Torture

I feel sick this morning thinking about Organic chem....We have our first test today and i am scared shitless.... I dont even know what i am doing at work, i dont feel like working cause i feel so sick, my stomach is litteraly turning in on itself. And Micheal just told me last night that he is going to Summit with his friends to go snow machining this weekend, so it looks like i will get to obses about it ALL weekend-Joy. i also have a ton of homework still to catch up on in all my other classes, esp. communications cause i kinda put it on the back burner this week so that i could study for o chem wich i am not feeling like it did me any good cause i can remember jack crap now. I wish i could just go down the hall and curl up on the breakroom couch and sleep through the test. Micheal offered to take it for me last night, sad thing is i think he would do better on it than i will. i was so optimistic last night and then i woke up this morning and cant remember anything----other than a bromination/chlorination of a benzine ring...thats 1 out of like 100 reactions that i should have memorized by now....i think after my test i may just go home and pass out until practice, if micheal wants to say good bye he will....

Thursday, February 16, 2006

A Might Warrior is Born....

So there he is folks...little Koa, the latest warrior in the Bachert Family. Weighing in at a whopping 1 pound 5 and 1/2 oz and 11 inches long. He suprised everyone with his battle cry as he entered the world three months premature last night at 7. so far so good, but the next three days will be the hardest for the little man.
thats jeres hand in the picture next to him so that you can appriciate just how little he is...shoot i fluctuate more in body weight each day than he weighs.... but like his name sakes hes a fighter...


So Micheal Totally suprised me on valintines day! he made reservations at the Turtle Club----one of my favorite restraunts...he was being so secretive too adn wouldnt tell me where we were going, just to be ready by 7 and that he would pick me up. then when he showed up i got in the truck and there was this present on the dash, i was like
" whats that?"
"Oh that is for my other girlfriend....."
"You can look at it if you want..."
and he gave me this really silly grin so i grabed the box and opened it, only to realize that i couldnt see well enough in the truck to see what was in it, i started fumbling for my phone so that i could use its light adn micheal was like
"Oh do you need the light?here..." and flipped on the interior light and there it was...the most beautiful necklace...i'll have to put a picture on here so everyone can see....i was totally suprised cause he hasnt bought me anything like that in years adn never for somthing like v-day. Dinner was awsome, adn then he came to my house and cuddled with me untill i fell asleep, but i think he fell aspleep too cause all of a sudden i felt him move and he whispered "I really got to get home babe...I love you." and kissed me goood night, it was 1:30ish when i looked at the clock after he left. In all it was amazing...i felt butterflies again, i just hope it lasts and this isnt another one of his passing fancies...
I cant remeber if i wrote about the huge fight we had last weekend....oh well i'm not going to dwell on the past so if i didnt write about it i;m not going to now....

Monday, February 13, 2006

Update on Court and Jere

So Coutnie and Jeremiah are still in anchorage, so far no baby thank God.I think it would be best if the little guy stayed in there untill April 14th or later, that way Court is at 30 weeks and he might actually be big enought to make it. they decided to change his name too form Jeremiah Junior to Koa Ikiaka ( i think i spelled that right) it means "Strong Warrior" in Hawian. I dont htink that they are thinking about the fact that court is only half Hawian and that makes the little one only 1/4 so he probably will be really fair skinned like jere and people are going to wonder why he has a hawian name....thats if they can say it...oh well i guess we should all count our blessings that they arent naming him Moonbeam or Morningstar right? no offense if anyone is named that....
Do my Dad and Leah drove down to Anchorage this weekend, i was really bumbed htat i couldnt go cause i had a ton of studying to do because i have 3 tests this week. Anyway they went down there to bring jere his truck adn then sunday they were going to drive back in Leahs car but her CV axle broke just outside of this place called Trapper Creek so they had to be towed back to town...it really sucks cause they were stranded around 3pm but didnt get home untill 2am this morning cause they were closer to anchorage than to Fairbanks but my Dad didnt want to have it towed to Anchorage adn then have to wait for it to get fixed and him and Leah miss work adn school.
well i better get to class, my day is just begining now that i;m off work.....i hate mondays

Saturday, February 11, 2006

Sad poem

I feel these old feelings creeping back
and they scare me
I;m terrified and silent
not knowing if i'm strong enough this time around
before i was young and restless
this time i;m just alone
all of this is failing
and i cant keep holding on
the same thoughts are creeping in
and i cant stop their forming
I feel the steel across my skin
I feel the pills i swollow
I feel the bullet in the chamber
My heart is racing
my eyes are dry
I feel the end aproaching
nows the time to die
I feel the old familar feelings
I think the old familar thoughts
I'm not me thats doing this
Forgive me
I dont mean to hurt you
I dont know why i do the things i do
last time i had a reason
this time i just feel recklace
and alone
I love you all so much
but i feel like loosing control
already lost my grip on all that i hold dear
i'm not doing this to hurt you
I do it for myself
I admit i;m being selfish
and all of this may sound like ramblings
and random little thoughts
I dont know what i;m saying
i dont know what i'm thinking
some day i'll no the answer
some day i'll feel like praying

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Court went into labor again tonight, she started to rupture the sac ( that means her water started to break) the baby has no chance of survival right now at 21or 22 week, he might make it if he gets to 24 but my mom said he would be blind, deaf , have heart problems adn need to be tube fed for the rest of his life....they took her and jere to anchorage on an emergecy flight...i keep praying, but i dont know what i;m praying for....I dont want them to loose the baby but hes too little right now, hes gonna be too little for a while...i know jere is gonna take this hard and i cant even be there for him...i'm scared like everyone else.I just dont understand why some pple who are so undeserving get perfect little babies adn jere adn court need to go through this....If there is a God why would he do this to them? adn dont give me that shit about "its a test..."maybe he should "test" the fucking crack whore down the hall, give her a reason to change her life...."test" the asshole who beats his wife...."test" somone who deserves to be tested....and why wouldhe test us anyway? i thought he was all loveing and forgiving...FUCK YOU!!!!!YOU TAKE THEIR BABY AND FUCK YOU!!! thats what i have to say.
the lady down the hall had her baby while we were there...he husband was so happy, Leah told me she was jealous of them...I was angry...angry cause "God" was doing this the jere and court....and then sad part is no matter how angry i am i dont know where least to turn but to God, adn ask him to help them, to not do this to them...i really hope he;s listening

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

AHHHH coffee.....................

My coffe is soooooo good this morning. i woke up feeling like crap, i really hope i can fight off this cold, i hate being sick, esp. with colds cause its not like you feel so sick that you cant get up and do somthing, so i feel guilty if i call in sick but you feel like crap all day adn are miserable adn then i feel guilty cause everyone else has to put up with me and my crankiness, plus i cant afford to get behind in school right now, its like a cinstant rush as it is just to stay ontop of everything and when i think that i am ahead somthing happends and then i;m not anymore,grrrrrr.
But i am determined to beat this....oooo i can totally feel my neck cramping....ok so this is probably only funny to me, and V might laugh becuase of an insitent on MSN a while back but i totally just wrote Crap instead of Cramp...LOL that was funny...good thing i caught that otherwise my neck would have been shitting again...ok yeah only funny to me i guess:) guess it was one of theose things you had to be here for but sense no one else wants to get up at 5:30 am to keep me company at work i guess you all just missed it...wish youd gotten up now huh? ok yeah me neither....well i'm off to check out some bugs... who luvs ya

Monday, February 06, 2006

little tid bits

So Life has just been going lately it seems....I keep wondering when things will "just fall into place" for me...I'm so ready to be done with school and have a degree already.I'm tireing of feeling like my life is in suspension in space if that makes any sense. I just feel like i am constantly waiting for somthing lately, i feel anxious ALL the time, but i dont know what i am waiting for, somthing to happend i guess. i felt like this my sophmore and junior year in high school too, i think i just tire of the same old same. makes me wonder what i will feel like when everything is in its place....like is it the waiting that makes me anxious or is it the same old same that i end up doing while i am waiting....
so that was the enlightening thought of the day, well i guess it wasnt really enlightening now was it? I miss micheal right now too and i dont know why cause i just saw him last night, but i think i will go see him after class today before i head off to practice, i was just going to go home to sleep anyway and i know i shouldnt cause then i just wont be able to sleep tonight...thats another thing, i havent had a really good nights sleep in FOREVER, like sents last summer, i;m alwasy just thinking too much too sleep and then when i do sleep i always wake up feeling like i just went to bed and i barely ever dream now like maybe one dream every couple weeks that i can remember when i wake up. Damn...i still have this aching feeling that i miss Micheal, its rediculous, i normally only feel like this when its hunting season or i am away form him for a few weeks.
Oh and V's b-day is this wed! i'm excited....i hope she likes what i got her, but i cant say what it is cause i know she will read this (ha see i am being smart) but i will say that my blood went into this present...litterally....but dont be grossed out V i dont think any really got on it cause i checked it really carefully adn was going to get a new one if i had gotten blood on it. I will tell you the story at your party it you want.
well it is almost time for class so i better go start my truck...

Saturday, February 04, 2006

Between Us

Between Us
So I feel like my world is crashing in
And I can’t get comfortable in this skin
So I don’t feel like breathing anymore
And keep thinking of how we swore
Swore we’d be together
Swore we’d love one another
Love was all we’d ever need
Love was our eternal seed
Now I don’t feel like I know you
Even though I know I love you
I don’t feel like we’re together
And I fear what that could mean
No longer am I confident that if your tempted
you wont stray
And I know there’s something come between us
That wasn’t there before
So I feel like my world is crashing in
And I can’t get comfortable in this skin
So I don’t feel like breathing anymore
And keep thinking of how we swore
Swore we’d be together
Swore we’d love one another
Love was all we’d ever need
Love was our eternal seed
Now I wonder how this happened
If this could really be the end
I don’t want to loose you
But I Fear you’re already gone
I don’t know if I should cry for you,
Cause I don’t know if you would cry for me
And there is something come between us
That we never thought to see
So I feel like my world is crashing in
And I can’t get comfortable in this skin
So I don’t feel like breathing anymore
And keep thinking of how we swore
Swore we’d be together
Swore we’d love one another
Love was all we’d ever need
Love was our eternal seed

Havent prayed that much in a long time

So thursday my family had a really big scare....Court and Jere had gone to the doctor for a rutine ultra sound to find out if they were having a boy or a girl and about all the tech could get was that it was a boy but then he kept moving all around and she was having trouble getting a good picture of him so she decided that she would finish the rest of the exam and that maybe he would stop moving around as much, so she had gotten one really good picture and then moved down to check Courts cervics and realized that she was 3 cm dialated and was in labor. so jere rushed court to the hospital and called our mom and courts mom adn at the hospital they gave her some drug to make the contractions stop but it wasnt working, when i got there they were telling jere and court that they had a 50-50 chance of loosing the baby that night adn that court was going to need surgery to close her cervic if they wanted to save the baby. but they had to decide if they would do the surgery that night or wait till the next day because with the condition that she was in that night they had a 70%chance of accidently breaking her waterwhile doing the surgery and if that happend they baby wouldnt be able to survive for more than and hour or two because he was too little and his lungs were developed enough. Jere ask what the chances woulb be if they waited till the morning adn they said that if the baby's "sac" went back inside court adn he cervics started to close that they would have a better chance of being successful in the surgery but that if that didnt happend then there was still the low chance that the baby would survive the surgery adn that even if the surgery was successful the chance for complications were much higher both for the baby and court in the way of infection or rupturing of the sac becasue it was exposed. Jere and court decided to wait till the morning because of the possible benifits.
I sat in the hospital room with court for a while my mom and jere went to get somthing to eat from the cafiteria adn talk. She was really upset about how this could happen and why it wasnt caught before during all her other doctors visits. everyone really uspet and tension was high but all of a sudden i found myself listening to JJ's ( thats his nickname-Jeremiah Junior)heart beat, it was amazing..and it made me tear up, on the monitor we could hear his heart and when he moved....it was scary to think that he might not make it.
But yesterday they brought court down to surgery adn everything went better than the doctors were expecting adn now she is just on bed rest for the rest fo the pregnancy. so everything is going much better...

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Too Much to Ask~Avril Lavigne

Its the first time I ever Felt This Lonely
I wish someone could cure this pain
Its funny when you think its gonna work out
Til you chose weed over me, your so lame
I thought you were cool until the point
But up untill the point you didnt call me
When you said you would
I finally figured out youre all the same
Always coming up with some kind of story

Everytime i try to make you smile
You're always feeling sorry for yourself
Everytime i try to make you laugh
You can;t
your too tough
you think your loveless
Is that too much that i'm asking for?

I thought you'd come around when i ignored you
So i thought you'd have the decency to change
But Babe, i guess you didnt take that warning
'Cause i'm not about to look at your face again

Can't you see that you lie to your self
You can't see the world through a mirror
It wont be too late when the smoke clears
'Cause I, Iam still here

But everytime i try to make you smile
you'd always grow up feeling sorry for yourself
everytime i try to make you laugh
you pretend like your stoned
alone in your zone
is it too much that i;m asking for?

Yeah yeah yeah yeah
Cant find where i am
Lying here
alone i fear
afraid of the dark
No one to claim
Alone again

Cant you see that you lie to yourself
you cant see the world through a mirror
it wont be too late when the smoke clears
'Cause I, I am still here

Out of it

So i feel really out of it this moring. what it is, i dont know. i think that i am just getting into the motions of school but for some reason i feel bored and exhausted all at the same time. adn this morning i started feeling really sick while on my way to work, like the same sick feeling when i was driving in from Jere and courts.maybe its cause i didnt eat breakfast....
i was reading some of my old posts and i realized that my bloghas gotten really boring. but i just dont have anything that interesting to write about and i tend to me artistic when i have something Lovey Dovey to exagerate but lately i dont. I talked to micheal about everything that has been going on and how i was feeling last week, and last week things really seemed to be turning around, he actually seemed like he wanted me around but then monday he didnt want to hang out cause he said he was going to either work on his Suburban or go to his uncles or something and from moday he has gone back to ignoring me, not calling me and acting like he doesnt want me around other than to ask me if he could use my credit card to order some stuff for his truck, i told him yeah as long as he gave me the money up front cause i have very little in my account and then he showed me what all he wanted to order. As soon as he was done though he went back to being a butt head ( that sounds juvinille but he was) adn then he wouldnt give me a kiss when i was leaving and acted like he was irritated when i gave him one. I dont know what his problem is, i have an idea. I'm at the end of my leash now...i;m tired of his crap, i;ve stood by him all these years, we;ve been through thick and thin but i really think I need a break now, cause if he thinks he can act like that FINE but i wont be around to put up with it. I;m not even mad right now, i;m just tired. he can call me when he feels like it but i;m tired of loosing sleep trying to figure him out, i talk to him and nothing ever changes, at least not for very long. i thought that was how we made it so far, by talking our issues out but i;m too tired to keep talking especially when it feels like no one is listening.And the cold hard trueth is that i really dont think we;re going any where anymore....i feel like he gave up along time ago and im the idiot who has stuck around all these years "knowing" that we were going somewhere, now i dont even know if i care.....i really hope hes happy