Wednesday, June 29, 2005

I Can See my truck from here...

Well here i am again sitting at work looking out the window at my truck in the parking lot. well i'm not staring at my truck, but i can see it from here. so i fthe jack ass that hit it with a 2X4 comes by again i'll see him.
V isn't here today and i have the feeling that i've been forgotten. Cause i did all my work adn nothing new is coming into my box....again i really dont think that i'm cut out for office work. i thought about being a life guard but that is alot of sitting around. i want to do somthing where i can be up and doing diffrent things all the time, maybe outside. like a group leader at camp habitat but maybe minus the children. LOL No i dont hate kids....ok just a little but i think that is more that i dont want any right now and inevidably one calls me mom at least once a month....last one was at sean and alexis' wedding.
this blogg probably wont be to intressting because you know what they say
Bored People Are Very Boring.
i almost asked micheal The Question last night while we were watching a movie. but then at the last minute i chickend out cause if i dont hear what i want to hear i dont know what i would do... i love him sooo much. But i keep struggling with the question of wheather or not we're gonna stay together. you would think that if two people love eachother that they could be together but its so dam complicated! who the Hell decided to make love so complicated? Sometimes i think that we shoudl just break up and save ourselves from getting even more attached and then having to say good bye when i graduate (if he doesnt want to come with me an di decide to leave) but then the other part of me says that i should milk as much happyness and love out of what we have and deal with whatever comes as it comes.
i've never had a hard time talking to him about stuff untill now. well sense the summer after highschool when we had the summer of Hell and the possibility of spending the rest of our lives together became a possibility. i know that there are other men out there... and falling in love is alot of fun but being in love, thats somthing completely different, it takes time and patients and somthing else that i dont have a name for. there just seem to be too many variables at times to know if we are going to stay together yet when i'm with him...none of it seems to matter. everything seems better when he is around, and i trust him more than anyone now, although just a few months ago i dont think either of us had fully regained our trust. but now that i'm truly past what happend two summers ago, the thought of living my life without him hurts. the idea that we could both marry and run into one another years from now.... it would be so weird. i had this dream the other night. it was years from now. and i was back intown again after graduating from college. and not two days back and my car broke down, where else but on Van Horn and who happend to be driving by? Tay Tay, little tay tay. he picked me up an dgave me a lift to the shop. " Hey Mike! Look What i picked up!" he shoutted as i walked throught door behind him. From the back Micheal walked through the door, wearing his Blue Coveralls. our eyes locked and my heart stopped right then and i forgot to breathe. there he was the love of my life, older looking more like his dad but the same amazing baby blues then the light glints off the shiny metal band on his finger, blinding me for a second and bringing me back into reality where the weight of my wedding promise seems too heavy to hold as i twist the ring around and around on my finger. He smiles as he approaches, that cute little grin, "Rachel......" he reaches out and for a moment i'm lost once again in his warm embrace, feeling like a young girl again and protected from all the worlds uncertainty. then out of no where..." Babe, Whose this?" Her voice is soft and sweet. there on the other side of the counter, 8months along my relpacement. " this is Rachel, my friend from high school..." DEMOTION!!! my heart sinks, i'm a friend, i smile at her as sweetly as i can and fight the feeling in my stomach." heard your name changed?" i glance back at him and blush. his wife turns back around and begins filing again. Suddenly i realize the warm and callused hand on mine, i look down too see if its my imagination, no there it is, his hand on mine. i turn to him and he smiles....his eyes slightly glazed and i realize that he too it fighting back the erge.... a gentle squeeze and i know our thoughts intertwine...." I should really go" i hear my own voice say again and in my head i scream NO!!!!! you IDIOT. but reason tells me i must get back to no and stop walking in the past no matter how enjoyable.... he releses my hand " ok", he glances twards his wife, then back at me I LOVE YOU is mouthed by his lips and i reciprocate with all my heart and close the door behind me.............

Monday, June 27, 2005

Another weekend of being invicible leading to Monday morning pain

So have you ever had one of those weekends where you regress back to the age of 10 and think that you are invinceble once again? Then the alarm goes off monday morning and you hit back to 20 like a bird hitting a windshield. worste part is i didnt have to drink to be dumb, i can do it all on my own.
Friday i was doing good. Micheal and i had a nice calm evening together and by calm i mena we jumped forward a few years to 85 and went to bed at 8. then saturday i got up early and began painting my truck....still doing good. but then saturday evening came around and boredom set in and with boredom comes crazy stupid ideas. well the night didn;t start out crazy or stupid but staying up till four was not that good of an idea. then me,v, ron, aleena, felishia and some other girls went looking for some fun...never found any and neless to say we drove around untill 4am, got to talk to a trooper, almost ran out of gas, saw 2 moose, and a boy with an uncanny resembalence to my bue. oh adn how dare i forget V getting the nerve to ask a boy to a party just to have me spoil it by not letting her get his number ( sorry V you were on a roll and then i jumped in broke the side of the wanding pool). then we almost picked up two "party Mormans" but i think we scared them and by we i meen i was only there for moral support cause i got my own party guy back at home.
but the really trouble came Sunday when i went out to the lake again with micheal. we went knee boarding and tubeing. and oh yeah i horsed around with kent and tay on the water trampaline, not so much horse around as fall down. and i felt liek a kid again all day. then this back is hating me right now and if i could just get my neck back in line after that nice crash into the lake on the knee board im sure that it would feel alot better. who knew that water suddenly turned into cement when you crash into it going 40 mph face first ( i probably wasnt going that fast but the speedometer in teh boat was broken so i only know how fast it felt like i was going) oh and did i say why i crashed? yeah my Baby jumped the wake and almost ran me over.... :)but i still love him

Thursday, June 23, 2005

Board Again

So once again i find myself sitting here at work. I've finished everything that "had to be done" and now i pretend to be busy untill its time for the run at 2pm( where i drive all over campus for work). maybe i wouldn't pretend if i felt like doing somthing but there is something about working through lunch that wears you out.
I'm actually looking forward to my run this evening with V. I kinda wish that it were rainting though. but V doesn;t like to run in the rain. i dont know what it is about rain hitting my face but it makes me not hate running.
your legs always get so cold too. the rain beating against them as you run. the last time i ran it the ran by the time i got to the end of the block my legs felt like i was wearing shorts at 40below and fell face first into the snow outside of Pats hottub. they burned with cold untill i hit Trainer gate, then the numbess set in and suddenly they felt like lead weights attached to my hips but i kept running. the rain smacking me in the face saying "little girl yoru crazy, go home..." with the sleeve of my sweat shirt i wipped the water from my face and pushed my hair back from matting on my face. i glanced down and my legs were bright red as the blood rushed through them trying to heat them up again. My feet splashed down into every puddle , the water spraying back up and running down my frozen limbs defeating the purpose of my body's desperate attempt to force them warm again. but my legs dont feel tired when they are cold, just numb so i keep running. down Trainer Gate, Past my old Middle school, i keep going. the rain falls harder and the clouds thunder " LITTLE GIRL RUN HOME" but each set brings me farther from my house. i turn down and cross Trainer Gate. Suddenly a mud puddle, i veer to the left and run gown the small muddy path. at first i try to aviod the puddles lunging from side to side, leaping and shortening my stides in random succesion the SPLASH a miscalculation and mud streams down my right leg. but i dont stop. now i lunge tward the puddles letting my three year old side bust loose and with child like energy i sprit down the dirt trail.
As the trail ends and my feet hit pavement i'm back to being 20. my pace slows slightly and i realize just how soaked i am and the rain begins to slow to a sprinkle, just enough to rinse my legs. I reach the end of my block and see my truck in the distance. as i run on it grows larger adn large and i run faster and faster untill i tag its front bumper. i slow to a walk and head into my yard, to collapse on the rodiron bench in the yard.i lean back adn let the last bits of rain stream down my face like tears....I love running in the rain
oh look time for the run...good thing its sunny

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

old memories

I feel like such a dumb ass right now. I just went and saw my old truck, my baby....i know its dumb to be so attached to a hunk of metal but i couldn't help it. ever sense the 18th of January when i got into my accident more than anything i didn't want to loose that truck, it just ment so much to me. and when StateFarm...those Bastards....totaled her it killed me, and i felt ashamed to take a measly 9 grand for somthing that i loved so much. its been 5months, a new truck, several sessions a physical therapy and x-rays later and there i was....
Standing in that God for Saken Juke heep lot looking at my Baby, her dent beat out in a brutish manner with a hammer, half her trim ripped off, broken fog light and stripped to a mear shadow of her former self. but that fire that i felt the first time i got behind that wheel was still there, in the luster of the black paint, in the engine just waiting to roar to life under that hood.... her 350 Vortec called to me to find my spare and take her for a joy ride.
they only think shes worth 45hundred now, being beat down and totaled. i couldn't help it, i reached out and ran my fingers along her smooth glossy finish grazed the bumps and bangs that morning left to her. there on the front head light the gum that i stuck in the rock whole to keep the rain from getting in and shorting the bulb. my fingers hit the drivers side door, the handle was cool and welcoming under my fingers. i closed my eyes to reminis....

this was where i would jump in, useing the steering wheel to hoist myself onto the soft Lumbar seats, i turn the key and she purrs to life and for the 15min drive home i'm bigger than i am. i'm not a 5 foot nothing girl, i'm invicible....i'm the toughest, badest and most beautiful woman around, with confidence and grace, power and elegance, 4wheel drive and a Chevy 350 vortec and Ozzy Osbournes GoodBye to Romance Blasting.....i with drew my hand and looked past her to my new 2000 toyo, the truck that "better fits"me....
So you guys want to know why i cried when i lost my Baby in January and why i fought so long with the insurance company? because that truck made me feel the way i've always wanted to feel. and because that truck saved my life that morning....thats why i love my Baby still while she sits on that nasty lot marked down to hooker trash. If id been driving somthing that "fit me better" back in january i wouldnt be here now. so i love that truck like someone who loves the person who risked their life or lost their life for them. and this may seem dumb but see how well and small standard cab toy holds up to a full size lifted Ford ramming into the back of you doing 55............

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

Virgin Blogger

yeah so my best friend, V, got me to start this blog and all day i keep logging on thinking that i know what i will write and then logging off and trashing it. but then a Miracle just occured here at IAB...well not so much a miracle as an act of sheer blondeness on my part. and TADA i have something to write about.
so V was making copies and i needed to make a quick copy so i jumped in while she was in the middle of hers and put my paper in. Now the copier at our work needs a copy code to work an dout of habit i punched in the code and hit copy.
the next thing i knew the copier was spitting out one copy after another and another i looked down and realized that V was already logged in and when i put in the code again i actually set it to print 747 copies!!!! We acted fast and stopped it but apparently not quite cause when the next person went to use the copier it finished printing all my copies....all 747...ahhh just another day at the office. thats why i'm gonna be a doctor then i dont have to worry about those damn copiers, i'll just pay someone to copy stuff for me