Lovesick and running: January 2006

Monday, January 30, 2006

Winter Woes

yeah so my truck is out of commision, so much for indistructable Toyotas....dont tell Micheal i said that cause he would point out that it was my fault, although i am pretty sure i was NOT the one who unplugged my truck last night....actually i dont know how it got unplugged but i guess that doesnt really matter now, now does it. cause i managed to get it started, great right? well untill i got out of work and went to go to class to find that almost all the oil in my engine had mysteriously ended up on the ground. My dad came to rescue me after class with a couple quarts of oil and i managed to get it to the shop and drop it off. i think the cold start this morning broke a seal of two in the engine. but the shop is swamped right now casueeveryones shit is breaking down and my truck takes last priority cause micheal;s mom wont let me pay him to do it, actually i talked to her and she would let me pay him but he refused to accept the money, which is really frustrating because i would rather have micheal work on my truck than somone that i dont know but at the same time i would liek to have it back in less than a month (ok hes not normally that bad). if its not done by the time icome back from anchorage i think i am going to ask Jack if hew will just do it and let me pay him because i really cant afford to not have my truck durning school. my dad said he would get up to bring me to work at 7 up i know he doesnt liek getting up that early, shit i dont even like getting up that early but i need the hours. oh well i am too exhausted to care right now...i might care next week but who knows. i think this weekend took it all outa me...that was my freakout for the month...

Sunday, January 29, 2006

Once you get past the years of toumenting Brothers can be amazing

So i feel much better after talking with Jere. Somehow he seems to be able to put everything into perspective for me and then i calm down and am not freaking out as much. So i am going to Anchorage, and i had to apologize to Leah because i guess i really hurt her feelings because of the way i had worded things when i talked to her...she was upset becuase she thought i wasnt going to anchorage cause i didnt think that she was good enough to make it till Saturday....that isnt what i had ment so i said i was sorry adn apoligized.
we talked for a while about everything, and i feel alot better, i love my brother.

Worste sister ever....

So i am starting to feel like the worste sister in the world right now because i dont htink htat i am going to go to anchorage to see leah wrestle at State this coming weekend. its partially cause i hate the drive to Anchorage nad the only thing i hate more than the drive is being there. but also if i am going to stick to my new years rsolution i cant afford to go either cause i am looking at around 300$ just for the gas down and back, hotel, food and to get into the tournement. and i know its a horrible way to think because i want to be supportive of Leah but what if i go down there and she gets bumped form the tournement before we even get there, wich could very easily happend, then i would have spent all that money and for what? to spend the weekend in a town that i hate? and my mom said that she would pay for me to go but i am so sick of feeling like i loaf off of my mom so much. lately i have been feeling really guilty about still living with my parents let alone letting them pay for me every time i turn around. I just feel like i'm never gonna be able to make it on my own cause i am getting too dependant on them, everybody i know already makes enough to live on their own and support them selves and here i am living at home and the only thing that i pay for is gas and i still dont have jack shit....
then my dad keeps pissing me off too, like he really knows how to jerk my chain and he seems like he is just doinmg it more and more lately. I wish that i could just get a fucking loan already and buy my own house so that i could move outa here.Its stupid cause i have enough for a down payment and then some and i could afford the payments on a 30-40,000 house but no one will give me the loan or let me sign cause i dotn have any credit...i am going to try at the end of this semester to see if my bank will let me get pre approved for a home loan, other wise i think i may just break down and take micheal up on his offer to move out with him, even though i said i wouldnt untill we were engaged...i'm just so sick of feeling like i'm not welcome and like i am a mooch.
adn NO i dont want to pay rent, adn NO i refuse to live in an apartment....i still feel that it is a waste of money to rent adn i would rather live in my truck than in an appartment. I';m sorry if that is harsh sounding but i';m in a really bad mood right now and i dotn feel very compasionate .....maybe next time i write i will be better, or maybe i will be living in my truck....

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

UPDATE

So if you read V's comment you all know what she does, for the most part anyway. right after i wrote that post i had to go to Chemistry, then after that i went to the shop and picked Micheal up and we went to his bank and then to lunch. after lunch, and him refusing to let me pay for myself we got in the car adn i was really confused about what this had all ment, so i just asked him point blank. he said that it was his way of telling me that he was sorry adn that he didnt know what he was thinking the day before when he had said that he didnt know if he wanted to be with me. and so far things are alot better, we went to his uncles yesterday to help him get his pipes unthawed the rest of the way, this kinds sucked cause i was inside with micheals tow cousins and they drive me insane sometimes cause they are rude and dont listen. and the youngest one kept hitting Bear, at one point with a tennis racket adn i kept telling her to stop because she was going to hurt him but she was like "I'm just playing with him" and then she would pull his tail or grab him by the neck and slam him on the floor. Micheal said that eh doesnt think that she could hurt him cause he out weighs her by almost 30lbs but it still bothers me that she is that violent with animals *MENTAL NOTE:dont aske micheals cousins to babysit your kids.... then they kept jumping all over and climbing on me and no matter how many times i told them to stop that they were going to get hurt or that they were hurting me they wouldnt stop...well the hurtung me part they did cause apparently they liek me.... and its not that i dont like them, they are just sooooo busy all the time it drives me insane.....i dont know how their mom does it.oh and then they kept playing with Bear really rough right? but when he would play rough back and bite them or somthing they would start crying adn want me or micheal if he was in the house to beat Bear...i told micheal that id he did then he better beat them too cause they started it....he told me that they are always like that...guess thats why he doesnt bring me out there much cause he knows that they drive me insane after a little while.
after that we came back into town and dropped Bear off at micheals house adn then when to Dennys for dinner....we had the worst service ever and i left like a 60cent tip...i felt bad cause i knew the girl form highschool but frankly she was a shitty waitress, she should ocnsider another job cause they werent busy at all. V and Aaron came in just before Micheal and i left, it was nice to see her cause i never get to see her now that school has started.
speaking of school, i totally got on here to do some of my communications homework but the web server wont let me access any of the files that i need becuase it is stupid. oh and then i found out that my chem teacher is doing our online homework differently this semester, which i vaguly rememebr him saying but i had forgotten. well anyway it is due tommorrow and i hadnt even started it yet, but i totally cranked it out in less than an hour and gopt full credit....thats right i am a genious..Just Jokeing. see i cant even spell......well i am going to see if i can get the internet thing for my class to work on my lap top, wish me all luck.....
PS DAD-if your reading this THANK YOU to you and mom for the Ipod, i love it...makes it so much easier to do chem when i have music to listen too instead of all the ppl talking (or eating) around me...

Monday, January 23, 2006

So i couldnt sleep last night, which sucked cause i had to get up at 5:45 for work. Its partially my own fault though, i was trying not to think about everything between me and Micheal so hard that i just threw myself into my school work and studied untill i was too exhausted to study anymore then tried to sleep but my brain was in hyper mode adn all night i keep going over everything that i had been reading untill around 5:30 when i finally looked at the clock and told myself to shut up...do a good 15 min of sleep...if that counts at all.
Then work was going good, i was listening to my Ipod and focusing really hard so that i wouldnt think about Micheal when my phone rang, i looked down and there is was "Babe" on the caller ID. Yesterday i had broken down and called him buut he refused to see me so that we could talk so i just downloaded on him right there over the phone and asked him why he was acting the way he is, he couldnt tell me. he said he loved me but he didnt know if he wanted to be with me or not anymore, he wasnt sure if he was happy or not....it boiled down to he just didnt know....he barely talked at all durning the conversation though and i was getting really frustrated because it was making me feel like he just didnt care what he was doing to me, i told him this and he was like "why do you always think that i have the answers....i dont know hwat i want..." right after that i asked if he still loved me and he said yes...but that he didnt know if he wanted to be with me...like that love isnt enough, which i understand cause back after High School i loved him to death but i couldnt stay with him when he was hurting himself like that.
Well anyway he called me at work adn wanted to see me, but i dont get out of class till 1....he wasnt sure if he was going to want to see me after that....he was acting really weird, like changing his mind alot, right now i am supposed to call him in an hour when i am out of chem...but i'm really scared, i was happy when i looked at my phone and it was him cause i was liek "YES he cant live without me" but the way he acted when he was talking to me made me really nervouse and i felt sick the rest of the time i was at work, i still feel sick just thinking about it....like somthing bad is about to happen....

Saturday, January 21, 2006

DOCTER: how do you feel?

ME: I feel......

Rantings of a Crazy lady

So i know that anyone who knows me thinks that i am the biggest pesimest ever adn you are all right. I am so nervouse right now because i know that something bad is about to happen cause things cant be this good for one person, sooner or later i got to fall. Cause life is just a sequence of hills and valleys...
well i think its happening, the valley that is....I should know for sure in 6 no i'm sorry 5 days cause thats how long i'm giving it. I should really explain,....i bet that i am a very confusing person to know sometimes, i seem random even to myself. For a while i have felt like things just werent quite right between Micheal adn i. well last night we had....not really a fight, because it takes two people to fight and he just sat there. I tried to explain to him that i dont feel like i make him happy anymore adn that the way he has been acting lately ( wich is indifferent to me) is making me nervous. I point blank asked him if he was cheating on me and that was the only point that he looked at me and said something wich was "No, Rachel" but it still didnt change the fact that he makes me feel like he has better things to do. he can go for days without talking to me adn then calls at 2 in the morning to see if i want to talk....he knows that i need to get up at 6/ 6:30 for work.....I just dont understand all this, yesterday when i got home i went to my room adn started screaming at his picture like a crazy person....asking why he had to change and why he doesnt love me, what i did, why he went back to drugs, WHY I AM NOT ENGOUGH ANYMORE!!!!!! bcause that is how i feel, like its me, or pot....but there has to be somthing that makes a person fall out of love....cause there is always something that makes you fall inlove right?adn then i started thinking that maybe it is me, that i jsut make things up in my head nad then i blame micheal and push him away....Maybe i;m the one who is unhappy...im just so confused....so i have been doing school work and cleaning and more school work and more cleaning....cause i dont want to talk about it...i want to close my eyes and wake up back in high school, when we were fine and before our senior year, adn when i have to make the choice to be alone again when he goes back to drugs i want to run down stairs to V and never look back, Because if he has fallen out of love then why the hell did i ever meet him? why the hell did God or Cupid or whatever bring us together? cause i'm starting to feel like it was some big joke and everybody else is laughing but me.....adn i wouldnt trade Micheal for anything, so its a lye that i would go back and change whats happend but he has 5 days left to figure out if he wants me in his life or not...i just dont know what to do if he says or rather doesnt say anything..... what if he isnt happy? then what? I keep telling myself i'll be ok cause now i have V and Ashley but what if i'm not? i dont know what would be worse.....loveing a man that i'm not with or loving a man that is indifferent, cause at least if hes with me i dont have to see him with anyone else
but again maybe he does love me and i am the one who is ignoreing him becasue i am so busy...AHH SD ASKJ DHGLSFglscvb ci could go arround and arround all night and all day with this CRAP i'm done....i dont want to talk about this any more and i dont want to think about it either

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

First Day Jitters

So i had my official first day of work in the lab this morning...It was cool. i was kinda nervous and i have trouble sleeping last night, untill Micheal called so i dont know if i was worried about the job or him getting home or if just talking to him made me feel better or if i was finally exhausted enough from thinking that i crashed out... anyway, time flies when i was in the lab today...i ended up staying untill 2 because i was having fun finding bugs...adn Cassie ( my new boss) said that i was catching on quick...she seems further along in the data collection than i thought so i am not sure that the position that i have will be open for the next two years but thats ok cause i could always join another lab, or start my masters study early....I want to thank her so much for giving me this chance cause i know that she took a chance on me because i have like NO lab experience....All i know is that no matter how crazy anyone thinks i am for saying this...looking at bugs under a microscope is WAY WAY WAY more fun than paperwork...I dont think i was really cut out for doing paper work....i learned so much today, i hope that i keep having this much fun at work....Oh and Cassie gave me the OK to come in at 7am so i will get a full 20 hours a week in the lab!!!plus be a full time student...this shoudl help my plans for saving money because even if i put half of every paycheck away into savings i will still be making more than i did the last 2 semesters when i was only working like 10-14 hours...well just wanted to let everyone know that my first day whent good....TTYAL

Monday, January 09, 2006

PANTY SNATCHERS!!!!!

WARNING:this is not for the weak of stomach...reader discretion is advised....
The following story is based on true events...names of the parties involved have been changed to protect the innocent.Please do not try any on the stunts here in at home, they may be detrimental to your health
and that fragile image we all have of our parents.
It was a Frigid January evening, Mary Joe Walker Jr.was inside talking with a long time childhood friend never once suspecting the impending doom that shadowed the night around her far north home. A point in the conversation jogged Mary Joe's memory about a subject she needed to take up with her father so she entered the master bedroom to find him lying on his side in the middle of the gargantuan bed plotting away on his personal computer. Mary Joe began, progressed through and was about to finish her conversation when her eyes naturally drifted to somthing pink hanging on the lamp shade next to the bed........
"PANTY SNATCHING MOTHER!!!!!!!" it was Mary Joe Walker Jr.'s favorite Pink Thong!!!!
"OH MY GOD......OH MY GOD....NOOOO.....OH MY GOD...."
she quickly closed her eyes, the horror was too much, the pink lace aglow dangleing so lightly from the lampshade....burned into her brain forever...."MOM!!! how could you?OH MY GOD!!! MY favorite pair.....AGH!!!!!"
"What?" asked her mother....groggly from the couch.....
"HOW COULD YOU WEAR MY UNDERWEAR? and not just any underwear...my "get lucky" underwear?"
"Well....cause i was getting lucky dear......"

Have fun thinking about that folks....just thought i would SPICE it up a little in here...felt like my blog was getting a little stale....

Saturday, January 07, 2006

YOUR HIRED!!!

So i was checking my email tonight...my first night back in the BIG city lol from my brothers. AND i got the job that i interviewed for!!!! I'm so excited, i had pretty much talked myself out of it and was sure that i hadnt gotten it but now that i know i have i am so happy!!!! it means that i dont have to keep filing papers!!!
It does kinda blow my plans for the summer because i was planning on doing construction work or somthing like that so that i could make some really good money to add to my savings but i'm not to disappointed about that i think i would rather do somthing that i found interesting than manual labor even if it doesnt pay as well. that and Micheal brought up that about all a construction company would hire me for woud be to be a flag man cuase i cant lift as much as a guy...adn sense my accident last year my lifting ability is at an all time low...but it doesnt matter because i am going to work in a lab!!! YEAH:) I'm so excited.....and i just cant hide it...yeah yeah...i'm so excited.... ( that was me singing)

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

So i dont care who get irritated by this cause no one should....

So after work today i am going to go get new snow pants!!! yeah for me.... But i called my mom just now to ask if her and my dad still wanted to pay me back for this x-mas present that i bought for myself from them or if they wanted to help me pay for my snow pants....really its the same either way....but my mom seemed all distrate when i called her and now i feel bad for even asking for the money...this is why i hate asking for money and why i dotn do it...i know she did mean to sound the way she did she is jsut frustrated cause the furness guy didnt show up when he was supposed to but i think that i will just save her and my dad the money.... I spent way more than i should have on the clothes for church and i dotn really want them to pay me back for that cause now i feel like i spent too much and its not fair to ask them to pay that much....but if i let them buy the snow gear then its just that much more....its not like with my sister cause i actually have a job that i can keep year round...that and i am 20....i think that i mooch off them enough by not moving out....
I hope my mom just forgets that i called today, cause now i feel bad for doing it....
well i better get going i need to go pick up groceries for the rest of the week out at jeres and then go look at snow pants so that i can ride my newly painted sled!!! i'll have to put pics on here to show everyone the awsome job that micheal and his dad did with the paint job! Its PINK!!!! so me i know...... they must love me to 1. buy pink paint. and then 2. design such a girly looking sled just for me....:)

Lovesick and running