Lovesick and running: September 2005

Friday, September 23, 2005

So two things to talk about today: Leah and Micheal
I'll start with my baby sis....I'm really starting to get worried about her. She keeps getting quieter and quieter sents brandon left adn when she does talk she always seems mad or really sad. the other day i asked her if she was ok and she said "yeah i'm fine, just alittle depressed"
This worries me cause i have gone through depression before and i know how alone you can feel and the thoughts that go through your head and the problem is that no one can really bring you out of it but you. I want to do somthing for her but i dont know what. I want to make her happy, but short of making brandon come back to Alaska adn do his Junior and Senior years over again....i dont know what to do. I keep thinking back to when i was depressed and trying to remember what brought me out of it, or what set me spirling into it but all i remember is what kept me holding on.....Leah. the sound of her voice brought me back from the edge so many times...she saved me and i want to be there for her but at the same time i know i cant really because i cant feel it with her. If i could i would take it all away from her and carry it on my shoulders so she wouldnt have to....I would go through it all again to keep her from it but i cant....
Now that i've talked about what has been weighing on my mind maybe i should end on a better note and talk about what has been happening with me and micheal. Its a little bitter sweet.
I finally mustered up the courage to talk to him seriously about where we are headed. Mainly cause i have been thinking alot lately about where I am headed with school and i have some questions. although i think that i am going to go for my masters now here at UAF along with my bachlors and then get my phd and do research and teaching. i figure this may be the best way to combined the 2 fields that i am most interested in. although i am NOT completely out ruling Med school just yet. I like to think of it as giving myself alittle bit more time to make sure that i am doing what i really want to do.So....
I asked him "whats gonna happen if i go away to med school? are you gonna come with me?"
"No, my whole life is here....."
"So what then....we're gonna break up after being together for 9 years?"
"I hope not (he kinda laughed).....i would come see you, i just couldnt live there...."
"Oh..... so what about marriage?"
"I'm not gonna be married to someone who lives in another state...."
"oh...." i kinda understand why, i wouldnt want to be married to someone who didnt live with me either...let alone in another state
then we talked about how he wants me to do what ever is going to make me happiest, and that he supports what ever i choose. then we talked about the cabin that he is building next summer and i told him that i would move out with him if he wanted but he said no cause ever one of his guy friends who moved out with their GF ended up married or with a GF who turned into a controling bitch.....He was joking of course about not wanting me to move in...not so much abotu his guy freinds though....and i dont want to be like that, which i dont think i would. but it made me think, i should stick by my prior decision and not move in with him unless we are engaged...
his confidence in our relationship makes me feel so much better....liek if i were to go away to school there is no doubt in his mind that we wouldnt make it through being apart for so long...infact he seemed suprised that i was worried about it.... He completely put me at ease even though he was telling me somethings that i didnt want to hear. hes right though, we've already made it through so much, adn we are still inlove so that says alot...

Micheal is my rock

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

"Just Cause We Can"

So i was thinking this morning while i was listening to the radio(Honey, for our date tonightI’ve got the perfect place to goI was thinkin’ ‘bout a candlelight seafood dinnerAt this little place on the Gulf of Mexico ) about all the airline specials going on right now for trips next summer.....wouldnt it be nice to go to Mexico? (Don’t look at me like I’m crazy darlin’Just hear me out‘Cause we can be there by tomorrowIf we pack up and hit the road right nowWe’ll spend the night in BirminghamAt your brother’s house on the way downThen we’ll find us a motel room with and ocean viewBoy, take my handLet’s get wild and freeWe sure could standA little just you and me Don’t need no reason other thanJust ‘cause we can ) Maybe for spring break....made me think about that Julie Roberts song....So i think i'm gonna run it by Micheal and see if he would like to get away too. Maybe i could buy the tickets and he could get the hotel room. oh here is the rest of the song too...

We’ll go for a day or two and just hang out on the beachIt might turn into a week or so, or who knowsHoney, we may never leaveI bet you could get a gig sellin’ hot dogs on the boardwalkAnd I could make a buck or two playin’ Buffett tunesBoy, take my handLet’s get wild and freeWe sure could standA little just you and meDon’t need no reason other thanJust ‘cause we canSo, baby, grab your flip flops, a little CoppertoneAnd a change of clothesThere ain’t no tellin’ where this might leadBoy take my handLet’s get wild and freeWe sure could standA little you and meDon’t need no reason other thanNo, we don’t need no reason other thanAh, just ‘cause we canJust ‘cause we canAh, just ‘cause we can

Friday, September 16, 2005

Here i go again....

So here i am again....friday night and i am in the library studying...well i was but there are so many things, ok one in particular, that keeps running through my head and its makeing it really hard to concetrate. I love Micheal, so why cant things just work out? As time passes it seems like things just get more and more unsure. And why shouldnt they? I dont even know what i want right now...ok wait no i do....I WANT HIM TO ASK ME TO MARRY HIM.... its been over 6 years....why cant he be sure...after so long. i mean he was sure our sophmore and junior year.
i think what is bothering in me is that i just found out today that Brandon asked Leah to marry him..... she said he asked when he gave her the ring she wears and then he asked again in a letter that he just wrote her....
why does the idea of Leah getting married before me bother me so much? is it just that she is younger than me?or that her and brandon have only been together for a fraction of the time that i have been with micheal? Or the fact that they are still in that stage that micheal and i were in when he did ask me.
i wish that this was one of those things that i could sit down and think about untill i figured it out but i cant... and that frustrates me to no end. thats why i like school, because if i think about things long enough i get it but this, no matter how i role it around it still leaves me feeling the same way....Lost and deperately inlove with a man i still have yet to figure out

I have had the worste stomach aches for the last two weeks, pretty much sents school started. i think that i am getting too stressed between work, school, relationship and trying to figure out a way to get more independence. this last point i am about to give up on because i see no real way for me to move out unless i were to get a different job and work my ass off wich would defete the purpose of releiveing my stress by moving out because i would just stress me out more.
I think my friend is pissed at me about this too because she wants to move out with me because she is paying too much for her apartment now. but i have already decided that i dont want to live with any of my friends because i know that that is a sure fire way to end the friendship.....mainly cause of how she ditched her last friend. that and she is a night owl and i'm a morning person so she would end up keeping me up at night and i would piss her off by waking up so early....
i wish it was just easy to find a perfect balance between school, work and my social life....hoestly the only person that i could see myself living with is micheal, but i dont think that that will be happening anytime soon

Thursday, September 15, 2005

Opinion Poll

Ok its not very often that i ask peoples opinions on things, anyone who knows me knows that i generally have a what is my business is my business and what is yours is yours. So take advantage....here is the question,
Is it ok for someone to give another person an ultimatum in a relationship? If so, what would be a good reason? Time together?Lack of commitment? children? paths in life?
I'm curious to see how others feel about this, as i am still undecided....

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Maybe its just hunting....

So maybe it is just hunting season that is making micheal and i seem so far apart. Last night i went to his house, completely prepaired fo him to be in a grumpy mood and to get upset and have to leave and go to V's pearl party and try to pretend like i was ok untill i could talk to her alone....I was so sure of things happending that way that i practically was going to leave before i even got there, but Micheal was actually happy to see me adn we cuddles all evening in his bed, joking around adn watching TV and exchanging kisses. I feel kinda dumb for being so upset but i just hate being away from him for long periods of time and my imagination gets away with me. I guess i am just used to seeing him everyday still like when we were in school together. But you are all my witness right here and now, i am going to try my hardest to not over react anymore like i did, when i want to spend more time with him or i am feeling like the distance between us is getting to big i will ask him to hang out.

Monday, September 12, 2005

Well i tried to post this morning but apparently it didnt take. I'm sorry to anyone who will read my last post and be hurt that i didnt talk to them (ak: V and Ashley) I just feel like people get sick of hearing me when i am down.And i dont like people to give their opinions on my life and the best way to avoid this is to not talk to anyone about it, but it is good to write things down or think out loud so i used my blog. so forgive me if i hesitate on talking about it with you, however i will probably continue to contemplate thing here.
i keep thinking back and reading my first few blogs about micheal, i dont understand what is going on, but hopefully we will work on figuring it out tonight, because i talked to him earlier and he said that we would hang out to night and that he would call me when he got off work. well i have to go on the run today at work...yippie :( i hate the run.....its boring, i probably wouldnt mind it so much but i dont really feel like driving today.

Sunday, September 11, 2005

I think im done....and there is no one here but me

I feel like am mad at the world today...well no not the World, just everyone that is in love and happy.... I feel like Cupid played a cruel cruel joke on me and made me fall for someone that i could never end up with. I wish that i could blame it on hunting season but i cant ignore the fact that in my heart i feel like micheal is avoiding me....like he just got back from hunting, well he has been back intown for a few hours now, but did he call me? no....hes with his buddy mike, who he has been with all weekend watching a movie. and i know that it is stupid but i wish that i knew where mikes cabin was so i could go see if he is really watching a movie with mike or if he is watching a movie with some other girl..... i think its because if i knew that he was with someone esle the way that our relationship seems to be turning would be a little easier to bare.....not that i lost the love of my life just because i was boreing but becuase some other girl came and stole him away.....adn i know that that is a dumb reason and it wouldnt make things any easier, in fact it would probably make things hurt more but at least i would have an answer and wouldnt feel like i was alway the one trying.
part of me right now wants to call V or Ashley and have then hug me and tell me that its all gonna be ok and that i am just lonely cause its hunting season or even just have them be there for me but i cant seem to dial the phone, i just sit there staring at their numbers because they are part of the worl that i am angry at right now and no matter how happy i am for the two of them i cant help the fact that i am angry that i feel the way i do.How can it be that you can be so completely inlove with someone and have all the things inthe world trying to separate the two of you it seems sometimes adn i feel liek Micheal has just given up on us.....when i found out that he had been in town for the past few hours it hurt so bad becuase again he chose not to be around me....
I'm notwearing my ring either, cause lately i feel like a fool wearing it when i dont know where we're headed anymore and the fact that he doesnt wear his....that he doesnt want to wear one, at least that is how i felt when he said that he would wear a new one if I wanted him to.... I feel like i am loosing my rock right now...our relationship was the only thing that kept me saine most of the time, he was always there for me, my best friend and now hes not....andi have never felt so alone..... I think i'm gonna break it off with him because i think that it would be easier to just walk away while i'm ahead......but i dontwant to ....cause right now i dont feel like talking to anyone, espescially him....Im angry that he would let me keep loving him as much as i do if he is bored or tired of this.....cause its becoming obvious that he doesnt need me around....why he showed up in my room that night to beg me to come back, to swear to me that things would change i dont know...i dont understand how at times he can be so full of passion and love and then others act liek we arent even together.
i was just talking to Ashley last night about how i want to marry him and spend the rest of my life with him....but its not true.... i want to spend my life with the man he was before he started smoking pot again, the man who loved me, who could look at me and make me feel like the hottest woman on the planet, who i could say anything in front of, who would wipe away my tears and fears with a kiss, the man that was my best friend for 4 years......The man who put that ring on my finger as a promise......

Friday, September 09, 2005

time to sit a ponder

The more and more i think about school and how much work i have to do before it is done and i begin to wonder if med school is really what i want. I'm not enough like my cousin Rebecca to be able to finish school in the amount of time that she did. she actually finished her bachlors in 4 years...i'm on the 6 year plan it seems. And i think that if i get called for the lab job in Dr happs lab i will have to decline it because the only time that i have time to dedicate to work is in the summer..... i'm just starting to wonder if all the choices that i am making are really what i want and if they will make me happy.....all i really know is that i like school more than work.....maybe that is it....teaching............but i know what everyone will accuse me off if i change my path, that i am doing this for Micheal..... I wish sometimes that my parents and family and even some of my friends could look past that for one, why would i have to do it for him....maybe loving him is what is best for me....maybe staying here would make me happier adn not because of him.....
Everyone just seems to assume, whenever i mention that i'm not sure if med school is really for me, that i say it becuase i am affraid of leaving him....thats not true and i feel sometimes like i am being forced in one direction because of all these accusations. Yes i love him dearly but i would not give up my dreams for him.

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Begining to Wonder Why.....

I suddenly just realized that the last time i saw Micheal was last thursday....Tomorrow morning that will be one week exactly..... I could blame it on the fact that school just started, or that its hunting season,or even that i have been sick and dont want to get him sick...but i know that those are all just excuses that i have made. I dont feel that normal feeling of wanting t go out of my way to see him lately, I'm tired....Thats the best way i cant explain it.
His additude the last few weeks, or rather the last year or so on and off again, where sometimes it seems like he cant get enough of me and then suddenly like he wants nothing to do with me, its made me tired. I'm sick of being the one to chase after him, to alway make the effort to go see him, to call everyday after i get off of work. And this is not to say that i Always do this, or that he never does but that i offten feel that i am the one who puts in the effort. And frankly sense he had lost his ring i have no desire to buy him a new one.... not that i dont love him but that everything seems to be catching up to us all at once now.
And now, sitting here at the end of a week long stint of not seeing him i suddenly realize why he doesnt say he misses me when we have been appart of a few days, or even when he was in the mountains hunting for a week with Mike Nicholson... he didnt say it because he didnt, and now i understand because not once over the last week have i truely missed him like i used to. To the point that the thought of driving to his house to see him when he got back seemed more of a bother and i breathed a sigh of releif when he realized i was sick and said he would prefer if i didnt risk him getting sick and that we should wait untill i was feeling better.
The worste part of it all is that even as i sit here relishing in these revalations in my brain i'm on the verge of tears because i do love him...with all my heart i love him....but i am tired. tired of giving 60% so he can give 40%. I'm tired of waiting to see what will happen with us. I'm tired of this town and all the memories it brings to mind, i'm tired of my house, tired of Alaska, i'm tired of being me......of being the one to forgive and love, to hold and console.....tired of being the adult to think of what might happen, of always looking out for everyone and everything and trying to chase these dreams that im not sure are mine anymore.....Yeah i said it, i dont know if what i am doing is really what I want, or if its just so many people have told me that i would be good at it and that i should so i have. The problem it that i dont know what else i would want.
I just keep puting on the smiley face each morning and get up, go to work, go to class, go back to work, go home, do homework and avoid the one person who made me feel alive at one point in my life......if people knew the thoughts that sometimes creep in behind these baby blue that are clouded gray i think that they be scared......and to tell the trueth some more i am.....I have never felt as lost as i do now, but i'm too tired to try to cling to anything or swim for shore.....
I just dont understand how all of a sudden i could feel this way towards micheal, i swore that i would not give up on him...but i think i might....that thought is what is making me feel numb inside....the idea that i could be giving up on him...and me......i think it has to do with the postsecret (if you dont know what this is go to www.postsecret.blogspot.com )i was going to send in the other day.... it made me realize that i had been lieing to everyone, even myself. but then i saw it in writing, i wrote it over and over again....."I THINK ABOUT WHAT IT WILL BE LIKE TO LEAVE YOU EVERYDAY BECAUSE I KNOW THAT YOU WONT STOP SMOKING POT..... i used to pray every night that God would help you realize what you could be loosing...let you see what i was seeing....but i dont go to chuch anymore. All i wanted was to save you....now all i need is you to save me....."
i read it over and over, rewrote it over and over and then i realized it over and over deep down i know that he will never quit......deep down i know that i will never be enough to replace that high for him....deep down i know that i will hold him in my heart forever but i dont know that i will miss him.....................................................................................

Friday, September 02, 2005

Questions

Love shouldnt be hard.....Or are obsticals and hard times just part of the growing process? if so, then how do you know when its getting too hard? When it is best to just walk away, regardless of how you feel, or how much it will hurt to do so?

Thursday, September 01, 2005

EMBARASSING STORY

Ah the first day of classes is done! the bookstore is stupid and half my books arent there anymore and whe web order i placed is in Limbo somewhere....Good thing i blew off all my steam this morning working out so i'm not a pissed as i normally would be. I remember now why i like school so much, the time at work goes by so much faster....
Speaking of work i have gotten 2 requests to tell the story from the other day and no objections not to other than my own, mainly because everytime i think about it i turn red all over again.

So here is waht happend.....Coleman came up to the Business office to get petty cash. As i was filling out the form i started to write his name down, then stopped and realized that we had never been formally indtroduced and that i was just assuming he was Coleman. so i asked "Coleman, Right?" he said "yeah, how did you know?" now here comes the part where i should have thought before i spoke "Oh my friend met you and thought you were cute and then we had this running joke....she described you and i guessed...." He got this big grin on his face and was like "A joke?" suddenly i realized what i had said SHIT!" Umm yeah...it was nothing...." i began turning red, he leaned on the counter "commmonlets hear it...." he smiled.....i turned redder "We used to call you the perfect camping accesory....." my face was like a beat, i was suddenly very hot and knew i was sweating . he turned and walked into the hall laughing....oh GOD change the subject Rachel, change the freaking subject!.....i began asking him what he had bought so that i could write in the description on the form and "oh yeah coleman, what is your last name?"

He answered all the questions as if i had said nothing....Good your in the clear, hes forgetten all about it...... "Coleman, is that with one N or two?" "One....Like the camping gear....." i looked up and he had this huge grin on his face....OH SHIT, turning red again...OH NO and here are those stupid little girly laughs that you cant control....GET AHOLD OF YOURSELF GIRL MY GOD!!!!WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?....Please dont snort please dont snort......"I got camping alot" i looked up at him again and said "yeah me too, i have alot of Coleman camping gear too, a tent , a stove...well not a stove, my dad lost it on the river last year....." he just smiled "Well, about that petty cash, anyway i could get it today?" "I'll see what i can do...""ok see you later today, just call the shop if it is oked by then, i need beer money this weekend..." then he walked off down the hall and i fell under the desk completely mortified, and in my head...STUPID STUPID STUPID.....how could i say that to him? OMG

So now that it is obvious that i am a complete nerd we can move on.....But if anyone knows how i ended up with Micheal when i obviously cant be trusted to talk to cute boys on my own without makeing a complete ass of myself and making fun of them, please explain...or maybe i did make fun of Micheal and thats why he liked me....INTERESTING.....

Lovesick and running